Tag Archives: reviews

Aug 7 2026

Mel’s 5 Second Review: Thine Ears Shall Bleed

Thine Ears Shall Bleed (2024)
Andrew Hovelson, Hannah Cabell, Lucas Near-Verbrugghe, Lea Zawada, Duke Huston
Directed by: Ben Bigelow

I found out about this movie from mistylane over at Cinema Scminema and thought it sounded at least somewhat interesting, so I went over to Tubi and found it. And, oh boy…

In the 1860’s American West, a minister and his family are traveling in a covered wagon when they hear a mysterious sound coming from the woods. Believing the sound to be God, they worship it, until they start to discover the sound might be something much more sinister.

I don’t often use Tubi, only as a last resort really, if what I’m looking for is there and nowhere else, cause Tubi has ads, and ads give me toothaches. But this sounded intriguing enough that I decided to watch it anyways. And while it wasn’t god-awful, it wasn’t great either. I believe mistylane was of the same opinion.

So first, the acting. It was bad. And the dialogue, worse. People just don’t talk like that, even in the 1860’s. The acting wasn’t quite bad enough to make my ears bleed (eh eh), but really, it wasn’t far. The son in particular was really bad. Which is too bad cause he was kinda cute. Maybe? It was actually hard to tell cause he kept making weird faces.

As for the story, it was an interesting concept. But a good part of the movie is just plain dull. Now, I do love me a good slow burn, but it still has to be interesting, the characters engaging, and this was neither. The first half is basically the characters just walking around. There had to be a better way to do this. Now the second half was much better than the first, but really, the bar was set real low. But there were actually some interesting things happening. And the twist, if it can be called that, was good, even if I did see it coming a mile away. They might have explored other mythologies to make it more interesting, but whatever, it was fine.

SPOILERS INCOMING

But the ending is where I have my biggest gripe. So Mr Booker, who we now know is Lucifer, is looking for a pure soul so he can escape the woods (ok? But why is he stuck in the woods in the first place?). The daughter was not, apparently because she wanted more in life than playing an organ in a tiny church. The wife was not because, and this is great, she sinned in independence. The father was not because he pridefully wanted a bigger flock to come to his church. He was also tricked into killing his wife, so definitely not pure. So that leaves the son. But he also killed. Booker told him he’d make him blind again if he didn’t shoot his father. And so he did. But how does this make him pure? Wouldn’t choosing to kill over being blind make him impure? Wouldn’t purity have been sacrificing his sight to save his father? And then, of course, he loses his sight again anyways as soon as they leave the woods, Booker telling him that he wouldn’t need it to enjoy what was coming, so it really was just another trick. But again, how is Luke pure after killing, but the father is not? I guess maybe I’m thinking about it too hard? Meh..

So, do I recommend it? No, not really. There’s the bare bones of a good story here, but all of the dressing isn’t great. I give it a ho-hum 4.5/10.

M.

This movie is currently streaming on Tubi and Fawesome.

Jul 5 2026

Mel’s 5 Second Review: Jack’s Back

Jack’s Back (1988)
James Spader, Cynthia Gibb, Jim Haynie, Robert Picardo, Rod Loomis, Rex Ryon, Chris Mulkey, Wendell Wright, John Wesley
Directed by: Rowdy Herrington

I remember seeing this in the video store back in the day, and I was always interested in seeing it. I had a massive crush on James Spader, and it was a Jack the Ripper adjacent film, so I’m really surprised I never actually picked it up. Well, I’ve finally rectified that.

A serial killer in Los Angeles celebrates Jack the Ripper’s 100th birthday by committing similar murders.

I’ve been staring blankly at the screen for a few minutes now, trying to decide if I’m going to include spoilers for the film because there is a rather significant twist about 20 minutes in that I’d hate to spoil for anyone who hasn’t seen the film and wants to. Ok, I’ll try do this with no spoilers.

First and foremost, James Spader, besides being an absolute hunnie, has charisma in spades (I didn’t do that on purpose, I swear!) and does a great job with the material. Cynthia Gibb as a potential love interest is also adorable, even in her giant glasses. The story is twisty-turney but never nonsensical, which can happen in these sorts of films. Seriously, every time I thought I had it all figured out, something else happened. The film seems more interested in the characters rather than the story at times, and in so doing makes us really care about them and what happens to them. The score is nice and moody, as it should be for this type of picture. The only real criticism I have of the film is that the whole thing lacks any sort of motivation. I’m sure they thought having a serial killer “celebrate” the Whitechapel murders would make for a good movie, but seemed to forget to add a why. Why did this person decide to do this? But that’s all the bad I have to say about it. It’s good otherwise. But I really am having trouble finding things to say without spoilers, so let’s make this a “real” 5 second review and end it here.

So, do I recommend it? Sure, if you don’t mind 80’s films. The 80’s literally threw up all over this movie, lol. As for me, I give this a pretty good 7.5/10.

M.

This movie is currently streaming on Amazon Prime, Plex, and Tubi. Enjoy!

Jun 19 2026

Mel’s 5 Second Review: Undertone

Undertone (2025)
Nina Kiri, Adam DiMarco (v.o.), Michèle Duquet, Keana Lyn Bastidas (v.o.), Jeff Yung (v.o.)
Directed by: Ian Tuason

So, it’s no secret that I have nothing but disdain for A24. I find their movies boring and pretentious. But the premise for this one was so good that I couldn’t help myself. I made sure to stay away from the hype machine, and I tempered my expectations. And you know what? I was pleasantly surprised.

The host of an ‘all-things-creepy’ podcast moves into her dying mother’s house to be her primary caregiver. When her podcast is sent 10 audio recordings of a young pregnant couple experiencing paranormal noises, she realizes the woman’s story is a mirror of her own and each new recording scratches at her sanity, drawing her into a fate she seemingly cannot escape.

The story of the film is very simple, but it’s the execution where this film really succeeds. Since our main character Evy is the only actor you actually see on screen (besides her mother’s comatose form), they lean real heavily on the sound design, which was the whole gimmick of the film. The recordings become more and more creepy and strange things begin happening in her house. The camera work is slow, even in the tensest times, giving the whole thing a dream-like quality. The acting was quite good, both from our main character but also everyone we hear but don’t see. The fact that we don’t see anyone else besides Evy’s mother really drives home her sense of isolation and loneliness and the almost despair she feels at not having anyone help her care for her mother.

Now for the big question: is it scary? It was marketed as “the most terrifying film ever heard”, and I think they did a pretty good job at living up to that. It’s a mostly quiet film that has you straining your ears to see if you can hear something weird in the recordings, they don’t necessarily tell you everything that you should be hearing. There’re also moments of tremendous silence which were almost as creepy. The feeling of dread is heavy almost from the first frame and doesn’t let up for the whole film. There’re parts of the film where the screen is just black and you’re just listening and it actually freaked me out so much that I had to turn on a small lamp (I’m afraid of total darkness), and I can’t remember the last time a film did that to me. So yes, at least for me, it was scary.

So, do I recommend it? I do, as long as you don’t mind quiet, slow films. Action packed this is not. I give it a very good 8/10.

M.

This film isn’t streaming anywhere yet but is available for rent or purchase on Amazon Prime and YouTube.

Jun 17 2026

Mel’s 5 Second Review: The Shrouds

The Shrouds (2024)
Vincent Cassel, Diane Kruger, Guy Pearce, Sandrine Holt, Elizabeth Saunders, Jennifer Dale, Jeff Yung
Directed by: David Cronenberg

This was a weird one, you guys. And not at all what I thought it was going to be. By the description given on Crave and IMDb, I thought this was going to be a nice haunting, ghosty story. I was very wrong. Also, I just had foot surgery and in a really unfair amount of pain, so I’ll try to be coherent as I write this, but it’s a little hard to focus, so forgive me.

Karsh, an innovative businessman and grieving widower, builds a device to connect with the dead inside a burial shroud. (See, doesn’t that sound supernatural??)

So this is a joined Canada/France production by David Cronenberg (who is Canadian). That should have at least prepared me for what was to come. I was very unprepared. French films are already super weird, but to add Cronenberg to the equation just upped the weird factor. So the story is actually about a man who invents a special kind of burial shroud that hooks to a screen in the grave marker that allows the mourners to actually see the body in the grave as it’s decaying. Why anyone would want that is beyond me, but apparently it comforts our main character. So while looking at his deceased wife’s skull one day, he notices what looks like tiny growths in her bones. Then comes the journey of trying to figure out what they are and where they came from.

Being a Cronenberg film I expected body horror, and while there’s less than one might expect from this director, the stuff that is there is pretty disturbing. I’m also actually surprised that he found an actress who would still do full nudity these days (and one of the most hardcore sex scenes I’ve seen in a film in a long time!). But that just added to the whole surrealness of the images. Unfortunately, I’m pretty sure a good amount of the effects were cgi and not practical which is what Cronenberg is kinda known for. It’s kind of a shame.

The acting was pretty good across the board. And it was filmed very well, but I expected that. Where the film suffered is in it’s telling of this story. It was so twisty-turny that it was hard to follow sometimes. I can’t really say anything more about the film without spoiling it, and I do feel this film needs to be experienced at least once. I mean, what’s a little incoherence amongst friends? It’s odd and slightly off-putting, but it’s not without its charm. The ending is pretty ambiguous, but I’m pretty sure I figured it out.

So, do I recommend it? Yes, with the caveat that you have to like weird films. Having seen a few French films already will help you get ready for this one, hehe. As for me, I give it a pretty good 7/10.

M.

This film is currently streaming on Crave, and is available for rent or purchase on Amazon Prime and YouTube.

Jun 11 2026

Mel’s 5 Second Review: Night Patrol

Night Patrol (2025)
RJ Cyler, Justin Long, Jermaine Fowler, Freddie Gibbs, Nicki Micheaux, YG, Flying Lotus, Phil Brooks, Nick Gillie, Dermot Mulroney

Ok, so.. I.. wow. And not a good wow. A “why did I actually sit through that whole piece of shit” kinda wow. Oh my gods…

An LAPD cop discovers a local task force is hiding a secret that puts the residents of his childhood neighborhood in danger.

Usually, I try and find at least one good thing to say about a film before I trash it. Maybe there’s good makeups, some decent acting, some little interesting thing that might save it. And ok, it had an interesting premise (otherwise I just wouldn’t have started the film at all), but it does literally nothing with it. So I might as well get into it.

So. First, the language. I have no idea what it’s like to be in a gang. I won’t pretend I know what it’s like to be black. But if I had a dollar for every time the N word was used, I’d be a rich lady. It was so over-used. And black stereotypes? All there.

The basic premise is there’s a special task force of the LAPD that are known as the “Night Patrol”, and they’re supposedly on gang watch. What it really is, is a bunch of neo-nazi vampires who just kill black people who live in the projects indiscriminately. Ok, so we have the evil LAPD officers against the “trash” that lives in the projects. Got it. OMG how did they convince black actors to star in this?? If I were black, I’d have taken one look at that script and told them to go fuck themselves. It makes me question what kind of people the white actors who were in this are. Yes, it’s that bad.

SPOILER WARNING (in case anyone wants to watch this turd)

So, our hero is a gangbanger named Wazi. His brother Xavier is an LAPD officer who wants to get into the Night Patrol, but we know he never will cause he’s black. Wazi’s girlfriend is killed by an initiate of the Night Patrol, an officer named Hawkins, who’s partner is Xavier. It’s being drilled into our heads that Hawkins is a good guy, even though he’s done some truly awful stuff (besides killing Wazi’s girlfriend, he’s also responsible for some war crimes that got swept under the rug). He eventually confides in his partner that he’s going into the Night Patrol cause he believes that they killed his father. But lo and behold, when he’s finally initiated into the Night Patrol, he finds his father leads them. The vampires then go after the people that live in the projects, put them in cages, newly turned Hawkins kills Xavier, then tries to resist, but he JUST CAN’T you guys! Did I mention that the only thing that stopped them was some Zulu mysticism? Oh yeah, that’s in there. So Wazi manages to kill Hawkins, then gets thrown in a room with the vampires, manages to kill Hawkins senior, throws himself into the pile of vampires surrounding him and we fade to black. Did you get all that? God, it was bad.

Now for the more technical stuff, I guess. The acting was bad. Really bad. Justin Long and Dermot Mulroney, who I both usually like, were AWFUL. Everyone was overacting. And not in a fun, “chewing the scenery” kinda way. The dialog was forced and just plain stupid. People just don’t talk like that. There weren’t extensive makeups, but everything that could have been done by makeup was done with cgi. Cgi bullet wounds (I miss squibs), cgi fire, cgi blood spurts, everything. The camerawork was all over the place, it was almost nauseating sometimes.

So do I recommend it? Good god, no. Absolutely not. Nope. Nope from space. This gets a 1/10 from me. What a waste of time.

M.

This movie is streaming on Shudder and AMC+ should you feel the need to watch the trainwreck for yourselves. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Jun 9 2026

Mel’s 5 Second Review: Until Dawn

Until Dawn (2025)
Ella Rubin, Michael Cimino, Odessa A’zion, Ji-young Yoo, Belmont Cameli, Maia Mitchell, Peter Stormare
Directed by: David F Sandberg

I didn’t play the game much, but I did enjoy the vibe of it. I can’t really speak to how accurately the film follows the story of the game, but I had quite a good time with it.

One year after her sister Melanie mysteriously disappeared, Clover and her friends head into the remote valley where she vanished in search of answers. Exploring an abandoned visitor center, they find themselves stalked by a masked killer and horrifically murdered one by one…only to wake up and find themselves back at the beginning of the same evening. They soon realise that they must survive the entire night to get out of the time loop.

Reading reviews left on IMDb, I can see now that this was not a very faithful adaptation of the game. And I saw lots of people say they’d have liked it more had it not had the Until Dawn label on it and I can’t really say I understand that. You either liked the film or you didn’t. Warcraft wasn’t a frame-by-frame recreation of the Warcraft universe (Warcraft 1, 2, and 3, and World of Warcraft) and as an avid player of the game, I still adored that film. But I digress. How about I get to how I liked this film?

I actually quite liked it. No, it didn’t reinvent the wheel or anything, but I thought it was a solid film. The plot might be simple, but it was fun seeing the characters try to live through the same night over and over and, yes, even fun seeing them die. I’m not generally a huge fan of gore, but this one did it in a way that didn’t bother me. There were quite a few jumpscares but, really, this kind of film just calls for them. This isn’t a slow-burn, dread-filled affair, it’s a film about kids dying in a time loop. It knew exactly what it was and what it needed to do to be successful. The characters aren’t super deep, mostly cause we don’t really spend any time with them before the shit hits the fan. The actors did a fine job with what they were given.

Now for what is truly the centerpiece of the film: the makeup and gore effects. And those were stellar. The killers were suitably creepy, the visuals were amazing. The film really looked stunning, if blood and guts can be described as stunning. (Oh, and speaking of stunning, Odessa A’zion as Nina? fans self) There was great care taken to make sure things looked as good as possible with minimal use of cgi. I’ll take actors in masks and makeups over cgi monsters any day.

So do I recommend it? Sure, unless you’re crazy devoted to the game and won’t accept anything but a 100% recreation of the game. If that’s you, maybe skip this one. Me? I give it a solid 8/10. Fine popcorn fun!

M.

This film is currently streaming on Crave. You can also rent or buy on Amazon Prime or YouTube.

ps, my 5 Second Reviews are slowing becoming longer and longer. I may have to change the name of the series! hehe

May 28 2026

Mel’s 5 Second Review: Resurrection

Resurrection (1999)
Christophe Lambert, Leland Orser, Peter MacNeill, Robert Joy, Rick Fox, Philip Williams, Barbara Tyson, Jonathan Whittaker, James Kidnie, David Cronenberg
Directed by: Russell Mulcahy

Though it came out in ’99, this movie just recently came on my radar from a YouTuber that I like, in a video of “hidden gems of the 90’s”. And while I’m not sure it’s a gem, it was entertaining.

Chicago homicide detectives Prudhomme and Hollingsworth are assigned to investigate a murder. Both become entangled in the plot of a serial killer whose goal is to recreate the body of Christ.

The first thing I noticed about this film is that it desperately wants to be Seven. The detective with a gruff exterior, the pouring rain, the religious angle of the murders. Unfortunately, this movie is no Seven. That’s not to say it isn’t good, it’s just not quite that good.

The acting is all over the place, especially from Lambert, who’s usually very good. And for most of the film he was, just sometimes… I guess the emotion got away from him and he became melodramatic. The story was very good. Despite leaning heavily on the Seven angle, it had enough of its own stuff that it was still interesting enough to not feel like a total rip-off. The cinematography was mostly good except for two parts. One where a snap turn was used twice in a row for seemingly no reason, and once where the video went wobbly, as if to say the character is struggling to stay conscious, but that wasn’t happening. So I’m not sure what the director was trying to accomplish with these scenes, but it did nothing but make me slightly dizzy.

The characters were mostly good, if a little stereotypical. But I enjoyed the friendship of the two lead detectives, who, by all accounts, should not get along. The actor who played the killer (who I won’t name in case anyone was interested in seeing the film after reading my review) did a suitably creepy job, even if his plan was so convoluted and required a lot of people to fall down on the job. Also, finding those specific people with all these traits in common, exactly what he needed for his “ritual”, would probably be impossible, even in a city the size of Chicago. Speaking of Chicago, not a single Chicagoan accent was heard. Pity. Lambert’s accent was cute, though, as usual.

So, do I recommend it? Sure, if for nothing else than that pure 90’s nostalgic vibe. It’s not an amazing movie, but is still worth a watch. I give it a solid 7/10.

M.

This film is currently streaming on Amazon Prime.

May 20 2026

Mel’s Game Review: Elder Scrolls Online

So, I’d been a WoW player (World of Warcraft) since the game came out in.. 2005, I think? I tried other mmo’s while I was playing but, without exception, I always came back to WoW. But last March I started getting that itch to play something else and went hunting on Steam. They were having sales on many games including one called Elder Scrolls Online. I’d heard of the world the game is in (I played Morrowind when I was younger, and knew people who played Skyrim), but I didn’t know they had an mmo. So both the base game and the previous 8 expansions were on sale, ridiculously low. The base game was like 6 bucks, and the expansions were 27. So I gave it a go, and never looked back.

ESO is just better in every way. I had to get used to the controls, though. It’s WASD to walk around, but you need to use the mouse to navigate. It took some getting used to, but once I had it, it’s super easy. The characters all look better, the character creation is wild, so many options. You can even change the size of your boobs and posterior for heaven’s sake! Everything took some getting used to, there was a learning curve, for sure (especially with crafting). And I’m sure I don’t even know everything yet. Even after over a year, I’m still not done all the story zones.

I created one of each class, there’s 7 of them: Sorcerer, Necromancer, Warden, Arcanist, Nightblade, Dragonknight, and Templar. My favourite is probably the Sorcerer, but honestly I like them all (Necromancer maybe a bit less). The gameplay for each class is quite different. So depending on what sort of gameplay I’m in the mood for will determine what I play. Today, for example, I was playing my Warden, which means I use a bow and have a big bear as a helper.

The character models are all cool, as I said, and there’s a lot of different races to choose from: Khajiit (which is a cat person), Dark Elf, Argonian (which is a lizard person), Orc, Wood Elf, High Elf, Redguard, Nord, and Breton. I have one of each except the Redguard and Nord. I’m playing a fantasy game. I don’t wanna be human. Here are my characters.

Left to right: Arytiss Miirik (Orc Dragonknight), Deadly Song (Wood Elf Necromancer), Dirise Miirik (Breton Dragonknight), Eirena Song (Dark Elf Warden)
Left to right: Light’s Song (High Elf Templar), Llewmauryn (Khajiit Sorcerer), Lucy’Fur (Khajiit Templar), Nocna Sjena (Wood Elf Nightblade), Shadow’s Dream (Argonian Arcanist)

Ok, maybe just one human… And yes, I like red and black, hehe. Two of them are of the same classes, but that’s cause I already play them with my mom (yes, I got her to play too!) and wanted to try them alone.

So, do I recommend it? If you like mmo’s then yes, absolutely. I don’t even have a WoW subscription anymore. The new expansion came out, and I didn’t even contemplate going back. I obviously give it a 10/10.

M.

May 5 2026

Mel’s 5 Second Review: As Above, So Below

As Above, So Below (2014)
Perdita Weeks, Ben Feldman, François Civil, Edwin Hodge, Marion Lambert, Ali Marhyar, Cosme Castro
Directed by: John Erick Dowdle

This movie has been on my radar for a good while now, but I never quite got around to it. I generally don’t like found footage films, so that was probably the big reason I didn’t see it. But after seeing a YouTuber I like watching gush about it a few times, I decided to give it a go. And boy, do I kinda feel dumb now.

A team of explorers ventures into the forbidden areas of the Catacombs of Paris looking for the fabled Philosopher’s Stone and come to realize that not all is as it seems.

First, I gotta get the bad out of the way. There were some severely shaky cam moments that I really didn’t enjoy. A lot of shaky cam makes me nauseous. Thankfully, there wasn’t too much of it. And really, that’s all the bad I can say about this film. It was pretty awesome. The acting is usually pretty sketchy in these types of movies, but the cast all did a really good job. The film was actually filmed in the Catacombs, which is both awesome and creepy at the same time. I’d love to visit that one of these days. As a cool bit of trivia, this was the first ever production that secured permission from the French government to film in the Paris Catacombs, both in the public and in the off-limits area. They got permission the night before shooting began.

SPOILERS INCOMING

So after the group actually finds the stone, and a lot of other treasure, it triggers a trap that causes a cave in. The group are forced to go even deeper into the underground, and that’s when shit really starts to get weird. I loved the slowly unravelling mystery of what was going on, and when we finally see the inscription “Abandon all hope ye who enter here” I knew I was in for something special. And let me tell you, it did not disappoint. Hell has been depicted many ways over the decades, but I’ve never seen anything like this before. It’s such a great idea, being literally what’s in the title of the film. The idea that you’re in a hell of your own making, and only facing your trauma can set you free has been done before (very well in the wonderful film What Dreams May Come), but not quite like this. So if the only thing keeping you from watching this is the fact that it’s a found footage film, I can assure you that it’s such a good film that it makes the found footage element barely an issue.

So, do I recommend it? In case I haven’t made it clear yet, yes yes yes. Absolutely wonderful, it gets a 9/10 from me. It might have been a 10 if it hadn’t been found footage. Go watch it, now!

M.

This film is not currently streaming anywhere, but is available for rental or purchase on YouTube or Amazon Prime.

Apr 21 2026

Mel’s 5 Second Review: Color Out of Space

Color Out of Space (2019)
Nicolas Cage, Madeleine Arthur, Joely Richardson, Brendan Meyer, Julian Hilliard, Elliot Knight, Tommy Chong, Josh C Waller
Directed by: Richard Stanley

I wasn’t sure if I wanted to see this one, which I guess is why it took so long for me to decide to watch. But I’m very glad I did.

The Gardner family lives on a remote farm. One night a meteor falls from the sky in a flash of light. The consequences of this might just be apocalyptic.

I’m generally not a fan of Nic Cage going nuts. I read the story this movie was based on, and didn’t think it would benefit from a Cage-ian meltdown (or 5). But I’m glad I finally watched it, it was quite good. Cage actually delivers what, for him, is a very subdued performance… for the first half anyways. He gets progressively more unhinged as the movie goes on, but in context, it really works. He’s supposed to be slowly losing his mind, and no one does that better than Cage.

The film looks beautiful. They decided on a stunning shade of pink for the actual colour, and it’s not a colour generally found in nature, so it gave everything a surreal, dreamlike quality when it was flying around. I have to give the movie major props for not trying to explain the colour, either. Lovecraft’s work is mostly about the unknown and unknowable, and this movie beautifully captured this. The colour simply was, no explanation needed. Actually, this movie has to be the most Lovecraftian Lovecraft adaptation I’ve ever seen, and that’s impressive.

Everything in the film is quite well done. The pacing, while a little slow at first, really finds its footing in the second half. The acting is all pretty good, the characters believable. The makeup and gore effects were pretty amazing, too. I won’t go too much into it, just in case anyone else hasn’t seen it yet and my review helps them wants to, but suffice to say the practical effects are on full glorious display and I was totally there for it.

So, do I recommend it? If you’re a fan of Lovecraft, yes, absolutely. If you need explications for things, you may not like it. Me? I give it a very good 8/10.

M.

This movie isn’t streaming anywhere (in Canada) right now, but it’s available for rent or purchase on Amazon Prime and YouTube.

ps: it was really hard for me to write the title as “Color”…