Tag Archives: 5 second review

Dec 18 2025

Mel’s 5 Second Review: The Conjuring – Last Rites

The Conjuring: Last Rites (2025)
Patrick Wilson, Vera Farmiga, Mia Tomlinson, Ben Hardy, Steve Coulter, Rebecca Calder, Elliot Cowan, Beau Gadsdon, and Kíla Lord Cassidy
Directed by: Michael Chaves

The 4th and supposed final film in the wildly popular Conjuring franchise, I had high hopes for this film, seeing how much I loved the others. And while it’s not a bad movie by any means, it is the least good of the bunch.

Ed and Lorraine find themselves this time facing an entity that hits a little too close to home when it reaches out to attack their daughter, Judy.

I was so excited for this film that I did something I never do: I bought the film as soon as it was available on YouTube for either 25 or 30 bucks. I’m not exactly swimming in the dough, so I generally wait til it’s at least down to 15. And while I’m not entirely mad for spending the money, it really could have waited. Ah well.

First the good. It had a banger of an opening. Very atmospheric, very creepy. I was all in at that point. After that, however, things just got a little… formulaic I guess you could say. I can picture the producers sitting around the table smoking cigarettes and saying “just do what the others did and, oh, add tons of jumpscares and creepy smiles. People like those, right?” I really don’t know why every single entity has to smile these days. Sure, once can be creepy, if it’s done right. But all of them? All the time? Nah. The Conjuring had zero creepy smiles and was so much creepier. But I digress.

Everything in the film looked good. Most of the effects and makeup were very well done, as usual. It’s a little gorier than the previous entries, but it was done well. I even had to look away once (I’m not a huge fan of gore, it tends to make me cringe and look away). The acting was all good, but it has been consistently good for these films, so I wasn’t too surprised there. There were a few good, creepy set pieces, but unfortunately most of them ended with a “graaaahhhh!” jumpscare (cue over-dramatic musical sting here).

So do I recommend it? Yes? I guess? If you loved the series as I do, you’ll likely have a good time with it. It’s definitely not bad, just a little underwhelming as a final curtain film. I give it a decent 7/10.

M.

This film is currently for rent or purchase on YouTube and Prime.

Dec 13 2025

Mel’s 5 Second Review: A Dark Song

A Dark Song (2016)
Catherine Walker and Steve Oram
Directed by: Liam Gavin

I didn’t know what to expect with this one. All I’d really heard about it is that it was slow and amazing to some people, and awful to others. I’m glad I went in blind though, if I’d heard anything, it’d have ruined the experience. So I’ll try not say too much about it, in case someone else wants to see it.

A young woman who has recently lost her son to ritual murder enlists the help of an occultist to undergo a gruelling year-long ritual that will grant her deepest wish.

I always try to not formulate an opinion about a film before I see it, which is very hard in a day where trailers and people who say their own feelings about the film/movie/book exists. Luckily I’d never seen a trailer for this film. All I knew about it is that it was very polarizing. Some people loved it, other found it dull. Me? I’m in the former category. I kinda loved this thing.

First the good. It looked beautiful. The cinematography is on point. It feels very claustrophobic, even when there’s light streaming in through the windows. The writer/director Liam Gavin builds the tension wonderfully, so that even when it seems like not much is happening, you can feel the dread permeate the atmosphere. While there weren’t that many visual and makeup effects, the bit that we did get (mostly in the third act) were surprisingly great for such a small film. The budget, depending on the source, is said to have been between $25,000 and $50,000, which is crazy to me. It looked so good that I would expect it to be much higher. The acting was incredible from both leads. You might think a film with basically just two people in a house would be boring, but I was never bored. And it all culminates in an ending that I’m not afraid to say was poignant and oddly heartwarming, almost like it belonged in a different film. But it works, all of it. And the bad? Nothing really, this film was wonderful.

So do I recommend it? Absolutely, IF you enjoy slow burn films. If you need constant action, then maybe skip this one. I give it an 8.5/10.

M.

This film is currently streaming on Shudder.

Nov 21 2025

Mel’s 5 Second Review: Abraham’s Boys

Abraham’s Boys (2025)
Titus Welliver, Brady Hepner, Judah Mackey, Jocelin Donahue, Aurora Perrineau, and Jonathan Howard
Directed by: Natasha Kermani

This one popped up on Shudder the other day, and being the vampire fanatic that I am, I was excited and put it on as soon as I had time. And… oh boy.

Years after defeating Dracula, Abraham Van Helsing and his wife Mina are raising their 2 sons on a seculded ranch. After finding a woman locked up under the house, the boys are told that the evil has followed them, and the monsters must be erradicated. But who’s the real monster?

SPOILERS INCOMING

Now listen. The concept is amazing. 10/10. It’s based on a story written by Joe Hill, so I’m not overly surprised. But the execution… eh. I’ll start with the acting, which ranged from mediocre to laughably bad. I don’t like to harp on child actors, cause it’s a tough gig, but man. There are good child actors out there. The movie looked decent. They got a suitably creepy old house to film in (not sure if it’s “new old” or “old old”), and the dusty, desolate landscape just adds to the ambiance they were going for.

The idea that Van Helsing is simply a murderer that tricked people into thinking there were real vampires is actually really solid. I guessed it from the beginning of the film, but that’s because I’ve seen movies before. I know how they work (most of the time. I still get surprised every so often.) I tried to track down the source material, but could not find it for the life of me. Should anybody read this and knows where to find it, please let me know. The pacing was all over the place, sometimes so slow that you wonder if anything is happening at all, and other times almost frenetic with its movements. I’m not sure what they were going for, but whatever it was, they failed.

So do I recommend it? Eh. Not really. Unless you’re a diehard fan of vampires. But then again, there were no vampires in this vampire movie. Vampire adjacent? Yeah, that’s it. 5/10

M.

This film is currently on Shudder.

Nov 16 2025

Mel’s 5 Second Review: Nosferatu

Nosferatu (2024)
Lily-Rose Depp, Nicholas Hoult, Bill Skarsgård, Aaron Taylor-Johnson, Willem Dafoe, Ralph Ineson, and Emma Corrin
Directed by: Robert Eggers

So, I’ve been meaning to write about this one since I saw it in the cinema when it came out. But I’ve been really bad at blogging these days, so I never got around to it. I’m trying to break the cycle now, so here it is.

Newly-wed Ellen is haunted by an evil vampire who is infatuated with her. When her husband goes to the vampire’s castle to settle the agreement of buying a new house in Germany, he becomes a prisoner while the vampire is free to pursue Ellen.

I went into this very hesitantly. Nosferatu (1922) is, of course, a classic, and I absolutely adore Bram Stoker’s Dracula (1992). I didn’t think that this movie would show me anything new while remaining faithful to the source material. I also am not a huge fan of Robert Eggers as a director. Well, I was very wrong. I absolutely adored this film. At 2 hours and 12 minutes, it’s quite long for a horror film, but it didn’t feel long to me. I found the pacing, while, yes, a little slow, perfect, and I was never bored. Didn’t look at my watch once!

I know that Eggers is a stickler for detail, and wants everything in a period piece to be perfect. So I was not surprised at how beautiful the film is. The costuming, the sets, the setting, everything was on point. The one tiny nit-pick I have is why do the characters all have British accents when this film takes place in Germany. I was quite surprised at that. But otherwise this film is near perfect. Bill Skarsgård already proved that he was able to portray a monster in It, and he does it again here. He absolutely oozes evil from every pore. And I was rather surprised at Lily-Rose Depp. I honestly didn’t think much of her besides the fact that she’s Johnny’s daughter (nepo-baby!!). But she embraced this role whole-heartedly and really gave it her all. She was wonderful. The rest of the main cast I already knew were going to be great.

So do I recommend it? Absolutely, with a caveat. If you’re (very) easily bored, or are not a fan of horror, then no. I tried to show this to my mom and she made it only a quarter of the way through, saying it’s boring. But me? 9.5/10. Very nearly perfect!

M.

This film is currently streaming on Prime.

Nov 13 2025

Mel’s 5 Second Review: Frankenstein

Mel’s 5 Second Review: Frankenstein (2025)
Oscar Isaac, Jacob Elordi, Christoph Waltz, Mia Goth, Felix Kammerer, David Bradley, Lars Mikkelsen, and Charles Dance
Directed by: Guillermo del Toro

So, for me, del Toro films are hit and miss. They’re always a visual treat, but sometimes the story just falls a little flat for me. So I didn’t know what to expect when I saw that he was remaking Frankenstein, a story that’s been done so many times already. But believe me, this one is worth the watch.

After losing his mother as a child, young Victor vows to conquer death. He follows in his father’s footsteps, and becomes a brilliant surgeon. He is approached by a man who offers to fund his research, and bring a man back to life.

This film is, of course, sumptuous and beautiful. Every little detail is perfect, the costumes, the locations, everything. Oh! And the makeup! The Creature is stunning! I saw in an interview that the full body application took 11 hours. Can you imagine?? And then the actor has to work all day! When does he sleep? But I digress… Big props to makeup artist Mike Hill and his team, wonderful work!

The film feels like a fairy tale, albeit a dark one. It’s a little gory at times, but never so much that it made me ill (except for the scene with some wolves, I literally cringed and tried to push myself into the couch. I know they weren’t real animals, but I still wish that wasn’t in there, or at least not so graphic). The acting was all superb. Oscar Isaac was fantastic, if a little manic, as the arrogant Victor. Mia Goth was beautiful and full of nuance as Elizabeth. And Christoph Waltz was amazing, as usual. But the standout for me was Jacob Elordi. I was crazy surprised by his acting chops, I thought he was just another pretty boy actor who did a few teen films. Boy was I wrong! He’s a wonderful, very physical actor, who can say so much without saying a word. His performance as the Creature is so… I’m searching for another word besides fantastic, amazing, wonderful… he’s all of those things.

And then there’s the story. To be honest, I haven’t read Franenstein since I was a kid, and remember very little of the details, so I can’t vouch for the quality of the adaptation. But the film’s story is great. I was surprised to see that it started at what seemed the end of the story, but once Victor starts to tell his tale, it makes sense. I won’t say anything else about the story because I want people to see the film going in as blind as possible, like I did. I’d only seen the teaser trailer for it, that’s all.

So do I reccomend it? Yes, yes, and more yes. I think even if you don’t like horror in general, you’ll probably like this. It’s a 10/10 from me. A truly mesmerizing piece of film.

M.

This film is currently streaming on Netflix. Enjoy!

Apr 6 2025

Mel’s 5 Second Review: Skinamarink

Skinamarink (2023)
Lukas Paul, Dali Rose Tetreault, Ross Paul, and Jaime Hill
Directed by: Kyle Edward Ball

I was apprehensive going in to this film because of the mixed reviews. I generally try to go in as blind as I can to films, so there’s no spoilers. And while nothing was spoiled for me, I did notice how polarizing the film seemed to be. People were either raving about it, or saying it was a piece of shit. I decided to give it a shot.

The setup was simple enough. A brother and sister wake in the middle of the night to find their parents are missing, as are all the doors and windows out. They put the tv on in the living room to distract themselves, but soon realize they aren’t alone any more.

First off, this film is VERY artsy. If that’s not your bag, skip this one. The weird camera angles give the whole thing a surreal, dreamlike quality, which I imagine is what the filmmaker was going for. The sense of hopelessness and dread is very heavy through the whole film, and even though nothing is shown, the imagination takes over (did that shadow just move??). I generally am not fond of art house films, I tend to think they’re pretentious bullshit. And yet, with this one, I couldn’t look away. MILD SPOILERS, MAYBE? My theory is that this isn’t something that’s literally happening. This, to me, seems like what a neglected and/or abused child would feel, trapped in a nightmare they can’t escape. I give it 6/10 because, while I applaud what they were trying to do, in the end, artsy films just aren’t for me.

M.

This is currently streaming on Shudder.

Jun 25 2024

Mel’s 5 Second First Impressions: Guillermo del Toro’s Cabinet of Curiosities

Guillermo del Toro’s Cabinet of Curiosities (2022)
Tim Blake Nelson, David Hewlett, Ben Barnes, Rupert Grint, Lize Johnston, Kevin Keppy, Essie Davis, Peter Weller, F Murray Abraham, Kate Micucci, Crispin Glover, Andrew Lincoln, Martin Starr, Sebastian Roché, Ismael Cruz Cordova, Dan Stevens, DJ Qualls, and Nia Vardalos

Cabinet of Curiosities

So I’ve been meaning to watch this since it came out. I was immediately intrigued by the Netflix blurb, and the fact that there’s so many actors that I know and like in it. I put it in my to-watch list… and immediately forgot about it, as I do. I finally got around to watching the first 2 episodes the other night, and I’m not sure how I feel about it.

It’s an 8 episode anthology show, that seems to be all horror from what I’ve seen. In the first episode, a cranky old man who owes money to a shady individual buys a storage locker to sell its contents and gets a whole lot more than he bargained for. In the second episode, a graverobber thinks he’s going to have a great haul after a wealthy man passes away, only to find that the “graveyard rats” already have a plan for him.

First the good, and there’s quite a bit of it. It looks really good. The cinematography, production, and atmosphere are all on point. The acting in the first 2 episodes was great, although I can’t say if it stays good all the way through, since I haven’t seen the rest. It’s definitely movie-quality. The bad: I can’t say I loved it. The first episode did a good job at building tension and while the payoff was good, the episode just kind of ended with so many questions left unanswered. The second episode ended better, and had a more complete story, and while it wasn’t bad, it was just kind of “meh”. I’m not sure it gripped me enough to get me to watch the rest of the episodes. There are actors I’m looking forward to seeing (Ben Barnes *cough*), so maybe that’ll be enough to get me to sit down to it again. As it is right now, though, it only gets a 6.5/10.

M.

This is currently streaming on Netflix.

Jan 29 2024

Mel’s 5 Second Review: Talk to Me

Talk to Me (2022)
Sophie Wilde, Alexandra Jensen, Miranda Otto, Joe Bird, Zoe Terakes, and Cookie the Dog
Directed by: Danny and Michael Philippou

Talk to Me

So I’ve been sitting here staring blankly at the screen for about half an hour. That’s never a good sign. I had heard such good things about this film from my Horror Movies Addicts Facebook page, so I decided to give it a go. I should have known better, I really should have.

Mia and Jade hear about a group of kids doing “possession parties” using an embalmed hand. They go and soon see that it’s very real. But soon Mia begins seeing things even when not in contact with the hand, and her life begins to spiral.

First the good, I suppose. It looked real nice. The sets, makeup, and cinematography were all on point. It had some good ideas, I’ve never seen a possession film quite like this one, so there’s that. The acting was mostly good, but that leads us into the not so good as well. The characters are mostly so thoroughly unlikable that it’s really hard to care if anything happens to them. I know they’re teenagers, and teens are hard to like anyways sometimes, but surely they’re not all the same? And the mom. As much as I like Miranda Otto, I could not like her here, nor get behind her parenting. I mean really.

I knew I was in for something I wouldn’t like as soon as I saw the second (of about a million, my goodness) production company logo: A24. That made movies like Hereditary, which I also hated. Such pretentious bullshit. But all in all, it had the worst sin any movie can have, not just horror: It was boring. I kept on fighting the urge to look at my phone the whole time, and that’s definitely not good.

I give it a 4/10. Watch only if you’re a big fan of A24 stuff. You’re allowed :-p

M.

Nov 8 2022

Mel’s 5 Second Review: Barbarian

Barbarian (2022)
Georgina Campbell, Bill Skarsgård, Justin Long, Jaymes Butler, Richard Brake, and Matthew Patrick Davis
Directed by: Zach Cregger

Barbarian

So, I hadn’t really planned on watching this one. I’d heard of it, seen it mentioned a few times in my Facebook horror groups, but I didn’t really know what it was about, save the vague synopsis of the beginning of the film. But my mom started it last night (then walked away cause she doesn’t do horror), so I figured I may as well. And boy, what a ride.

Tess gets to the Airbnb she rented just to find out another person has also been booked for the same time. Against her better judgement, she decides to stay the night. She soon finds out that may not have been the best idea, since the house is not what it seems.

I’m not 100% sure how I feel about this film. Don’t get me wrong, it was very well done. Everything was great. Acting, atmosphere, makeup, all pretty stellar. But it was off-the-wall bonkers. And pretty gory, which I’m not a huge fan of. It’s a little slow in the beginning, but definitely not a slog. The characters are engaging, so even when they’re not doing much of anything, it’s still at least mildly interesting to watch them. At least until they do truly idiotic things, which, unfortunately, is a lot of the time. I was watching with my sister and dad, and the main thing that kept coming out of our mouths is “Why would you do that…?” There was also one laugh-out-loud moment that I won’t spoil, but if you’ve seen it, you’ll probably know what I’m talking about (it comes near the end). Now I’m not sure if it was intentionally funny, or if they were trying to be scary. If they were, it didn’t work. There was also the ENORMOUS suspension of disbelief that had to happen to get this story to happen at all. All I’ll say is: all those years. How?? It just doesn’t make sense. All in all, I didn’t hate it, but I didn’t love it. It gets a 7/10 from me.

M.

This film is currently streaming on Disney+

Oct 25 2022

Mel’s 5 Second Review: Grave Encounters

Grave Encounters (2011)
Sean Rogerson, Ashleigh Gryzko, Merwin Mondesir, Juan Riedinger, Mackenzie Gray, Ben Wilkinson, and Bob Rathie
Directed by: The Vicious Brothers

Grave-Encounters

So, I generally don’t like found footage films. The blurry, bouncy camera work does nothing for me, except maybe make me slightly nauseous. But every so often I’ll get drawn into watching one, either because I’ve heard nothing but good things, or someone I generally agree with in movie tastes says it’s good. Which is what happened with this one. Darren from Flick Connection recommended it in one of his videos, and I mostly trust his judgement, so I decided to watch it.

For their ghost hunting reality show, a crew lock themselves in an abandoned asylum over night. They’re used to having to make up their own scares. This time they won’t have to.

SPOILERS INCOMING

First the not-so-good. The camera work was bouncy, just the way I don’t like it. They had a few static cams set up around the place, but it was mostly all hand-held. But I knew that going in, so I tried to ignore it and move on. Another down point was one of the characters, TC, was so thoroughly unlikable that it actually took me out of the moment in some places. He was so stereotypical that I just had to cringe sometimes.

Now the good. The rest, really. The story, while nothing new, was good. The acting was mostly good, the characters, save one, were engaging. I like the ambiguity of what happens to the characters. Are they dead? Are they now “patients”? Obviously Matt died, having jumped to his death, but the others? Lance is alive, in a sense, at the end. But we really don’t know what happened to the others, and I kinda like that.

All in all, I liked it. I might even look up the second one to see if it’s as good. I’d definitely recommend this film to anyone who likes found footage films, and/or ghost stories. I give it a solid 8/10.

M.

This film is currently streaming on Amazon Prime.