Mel’s 5 Second Review: Europa Report

Europa Report
(2013) Christian Camargo, Anamaria Marinca, Embeth Davitz, Karolina Wydra, Michael Nyqvist and Daniel Wu

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Quite good, much much better than I had been expecting, though I wasn’t expecting much. A few names I (barely) recognized helped me agree to watch it. It was well acted, tense and claustrophobic, with simple yet effective effects. Hopefully this is what we’ll find when we do finally make it to Europa. Just, you know, without all the death. I’m soooo excited about Europa, I hope I get to see it happen in my lifetime! But that’s a whole other discussion. Just go see the movie, hehe. It’s a solid 8/10.

The film is currently streaming on Netflix. Enjoy the ride!

 

M.

Mel’s 5 Second Review: The Paperboy

The Paperboy
(2012) Matthew McConnaughey, Zac Efron, Nicole Kidman, John Cusack, David Oyelowo and Scott Glenn

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I guess with the cast this film boasts, I was expecting too much from it. It was superbly acted, as I knew it would be (John Cusack is one of my favourite actors), but the film itself is over-long (or rather, it feels over-long even though it isn’t really, clocking in at 1h46) and dull and transparent at times. I have to admit though, I was disturbed by John Cusack’s character, as I guess we’re supposed to be. But I’m so used to seeing him as a good guy, this was very unsettling. 6/10

The film is currently streaming on Netflix, if you’re interested in seeing it. A word of warning: it’s very brutal. The sex/rape scene was especially uncomfortable to watch. But here’s the trailer, in case my warning interested you instead of deter you:

M.

Mel’s 5 Second Review: Introduction and Hellraiser

So, I figured I’d try out a regular, daily post. But since I don’t want to spend hours on it every single day, I needed it to be something that I could do quickly, but would still be interesting. So I decided to review movies. Movies from any year, not just the new releases. It could be a film as old as film itself, or it could be a film that was released yesterday. The only rule is that it shouldn’t take you any longer than a minute to read, a minute or less. Hence the title: 5 Second Review. Of course I know a minute is longer than 5 seconds, but really, who needs to be so literal in life? For my first review, I’m going for a film that I’ve done nothing but bash since the first time saw it, more than 10 years ago; Hellraiser, based on the Clive Barker masterpiece, The Hellbound Heart.

Hellraiser
(1987) Ashley Laurence, Andrew Robinson, Clare Higgins, Sean Chapman, Doug Bradley, Oliver Smith and Robert Hines

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Alright, so I have to admit it, Hellraiser is nowhere near as bad as I remember. That said, it’s still not the masterpiece everyone heralds it as. It’s, simply, a good movie. Although why they turned Kirsty into Larry’s daughter instead of being his ex is beyond me. It added nothing to the story. And why is he called Larry, anyways? His name was Rory. Also, I think they should have had the Cenobytes respect their bargain with Kirsty, as they did in the book, instead of trying to take her too. They may be demons, but they had their own sort of honour. Hopefully the remake will stick even closer to the book. In case you’ve never seen it, I do recommend it for any fans of the horror genre, and since I’m so nice, I found a full copy for you to watch. Aren’t I sweet?

And that’s today’s 5 Second Review. I’ll keep them coming every day from now on. Hope you enjoy, and stay tuned for more!

M.

My Favourite Restaurants (Montreal edition)

It’s no secret: I love food. I love to cook, I love to eat, and I love restaurants. I especially love eating out with friends or family. Good food and company without the hassle of cooking and cleaning is the ultimate for a good time. Well, cooking’s not really a hassle, if I’m up for it, but cleaning? That sucks donkey balls. I’ve hated doing the dishes since I was a kid. So, I eat out, probably more than I should, but meh. Life is short, eat where you want :-p

Now the places in this post aren’t necessarily the best food in town, but they’re the places I love to go. Maybe they have one dish that I absolutely adore and will order every time I go. Maybe they’re the least expensive in their genre. Maybe I don’t really have a reason other than the most important one: I just like it. Montreal, like every other big metropolis, has tons of restaurants to chose from, and a good many of them are those fancy-schmancy places that costs over 100$ per person, and yes the food there is usually incredible, but I’m not in a position to go to places like that often, so they don’t really have a chance to become favourites. So most of the places on my list are mostly small, dinky places that just happen to have great food. So here are my top 10 favourite places to eat in and close to Montreal, in no particular order.

The 3 Amigos

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                             1657 Rue Sainte-Catherine Ouest, Montreal                              5605 Boulevard Taschereau, Brossard

The 3 Amigos is a fun Mexican restaurants with a few different locations. The two I go to are the addresses I captioned under the picture (and that one in the picture is the Montreal location). I doubt it’s authentic Mexican food, but it’s still very good. They have specials during the week for taco platters and fajita plates (which is what I usually end up ordering. They have everything you’d expect a standard Mexican place to have, tacos, fajitas, burritos, nachos, enchiladas and the like, and they have a few things you might not expect, like lamb steaks or pasta platters. ImageTheir frozen drinks (margaritas, pina coladas and daiquiris) are amazing and huge. The large is made with two ounces of rum and is served in what I like to call a fish bowl. Seriously, the thing is fucking huge. I always get the strawberry daiquiri. I’m sure everything else is good too (I’ve been tempted by the mango a few times) but ultimately I always opt for the strawberry daiquiri. I’m a creature of habit, what can I say. As soon as we’re seated in the restaurant, even before getting water, we’re offered a basket of tortilla chips and fresh salsa. We have to be careful, since these are all-you-can-eat, that we don’t stuff our faces full of these before even ordering. But they’re really, really good. That salsa wouldn’t last long in my house. I went recently with my sister, and that little basket was empty before we even received our drinks. We were good, and didn’t order more to leave room for our meals (I broke my routine this one time, and ordered soft shelled tacos instead of my usual beef-chicken fajitas). I’m not sure where all that willpower came from! hehe

 

Guido & Angelina

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690 Rue Sainte-Catherine Ouest, Montreal

Guido & Angelina is a nice little Italian place in heart of downtown Montreal. Don’t be put off by the place’s seemingly shabby architecture, it’s a really good place. The outside is a little run-down, and even the interior is starting to fall apart in some places, but the food, what I’ve had anyways, is very, very good. I generally have the linguine with seafood (pictured here), Imagewhich I’m hardly ever able to finish because the plate is so huge. Plus we get nice, warm bread to start the meal with (served, as it should be, with olive oil and balsamic vinegar), and I usually order the calamari appetizer. It’s freaking ginormous though, so unless you’re having only that, get it for at least two people. They’re served with the usual red sauce, and are really yummy. On the less-awesome side of things, the drinks aren’t all that good, and are pretty pricey, especially for what they are. I’ve tried the long island iced tea a few times, but now I generally stick to just water, unless I happen to really want some booze, hehe. My sister and I often end up there when we have our “sister’s night out” since we usually end up seeing a film at the Paramount, and this restaurant is literally right next door. Who wants to try locate parking downtown twice, really?? We’re very much due for a sister’s night out, so chances are good that I’ll be paying this place another visit sometime in the near future! 🙂

 

Mr Steer

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1198 Sainte Catherine Quest, Montreal

Mr Steer’s is the place to go if you want a really tasty burger. It’s almost the only thing on the menu (with other varieties of hot dogs and sandwiches), so that makes picking what to eat easy. I always get the two burger platter, with curly fries (they call then Suzie Q fries), sometimes with cheese, sometimes without. ImageThe burger itself is quite small, but very thick, so the two burger platter is more than enough food, even with no appetizers or dessert, which I never get there. Their meat is all graded A+ angus beef, and boy can you taste the difference. A McDonald’s burger, this is not. On the down side, the drinks are pretty meh, so unless you like stuff that comes in it’s own bottle, like beer or coolers (although I’m not even sure they have coolers), I’d say stick to non-alcoholic drinks. Since this is a burger joint, I usually have a coke. I tried a daiquiri once, and was totally grossed out. Don’t think I’ve had another one quite that bad before. So if you want an amazing, juicy burger cooked to the doneness you like, this is definitely the place for you. If you don’t like burgers, I don’t think we can be friends anymore… 😉

 

Chez Manuel

3993, boul. Grande Allée, Saint-Hubert

After much hunting about, I was unable to find a single picture of this place anywhere online. And they say you can find everything online! Anywho.. Chez Manuel is one of those little breakfast and lunch places (which I’ve never had lunch at) that closes at 3. But they make the best breakfast around, even better than those well known places like Chez Cora or Eggsquis, and only at about half the price (ok, maybe not half the price, but much less, that’s for sure). And their pancakes are ridiculously good. I always get the crepes, those are the big, huge super thin pancakes. I generally get the Crepes Supreme platter, unless I’m not hungry enough. You have to be starving for this plate. It’s two pancakes, one egg, two sausages, two slices of ham (which I always trade for more bacon), three strips of bacon, a cup of baked beans, home fries (which are awesome, sprinkled with bbq seasoning), two toasts (which I never take, cause holy crap, that’s a lot of food), several slices of fruit and coffee (or, in my case, tea). If I’m not hungry enough for all that, I only take the pancakes and bacon. Cause you can’t go to a breakfast place and not have bacon. It’s just not done.

 

Bières et Compagnie

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4350 St Denis, Montreal

Bières et Compagnie is a nice little restaurant that specialises in draft beers and mussels. At any given time they’ll have about 120 brands of beer on tap, and each one will be served in it’s own logo’d glass. I would really hate being the busboy in a place like this! Imagine having to put all those away, and in the right spot! Ugh! But, since I hate beer, that’s not the appeal of this place for me. Me, I love their all-you-can-eat mussels, sunday to wednesday. ImageThey have a good 40 different flavours of mussels, and I’ve tried a good half of them. Diablo is still one of my favourites, it’s just a little spicy. On non-all-you-can-eat nights, and as the first course on the all-you-can-eat nights, you’re served a bucket of 1kg (2.2lbs). All mussels are served with a basket of (very good) french fries, with special homemade mayos. I don’t like mayo on my fries though (even special mayos like these), so I get ketchup. Following orders on all-you-can-eat nights are served in a large bowl, probably somewhere between 3/4 to 1lb. It’s a bit of a pain if you’re really, really hungry, you can’t get two buckets, and since you can’t order too far in advance, you’ll have to wait awhile between servings, but that’s usually ok for the regular clientèle, they’ll just have more beer. The long island iced tea and bloody ceasers are both very good, so if I’m drinking with my meal, I’ll have one of those. If I don’t, it’ll be water. There’s a good amount of other things on the menu as well, if you’re not into mussels. Burgers range from the normal beef to the special ostrich burger. I keep on meaning to try it, but every time I go, I’m swayed away by the mussels. There’s also a grill where they cook everything from beef steaks (A+ angus beef, of course) to duck and caribou. Everything looks pretty yummy, actually, but I’ve never had anything but the mussels, I don’t think. I love them so much, I always take the same thing. The only thing that changes is the flavour of the juice they’re cooked in, and what I’m drinking. If you love mussels (and/or beer) this is definitely a great place for you to try!

 

Just Noodles

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                              3711, boul. St-Laurent, Montreal                                3244, rue Masson, Montreal

In no universe is Just Noodles the best Asian restaurant in town. It’s what I like to call “fast food Asian style”. But I’ll be damned if it doesn’t make some of the best noodle plates I’ve ever had. Yummy AND huge! It happen(ed) regularly that I wasn’t able to eat the whole thing, and I can eat! ImageThe picture is of the location on St-Laurent, that’s the one I always went to. When I was with my ex, he lived close enough to the one on Masson that we could have it delivered, so we often did that on nights neither of us wanted to cook. The one on St-Laurent was open till 4am (sometimes 5, depending on how many people there were), and was right next to the nightclub I always used to go to, Saphir. Just Noodles saw lots and lots of drunk Mel. I even passed out in the bathroom once or twice (but you don’t need to know that story, just that I was very young and not always responsible :-p ). I barely go there at all any more (Saphir’s not even open anymore, so I have no reason to go to that part of town any more), but every so often I’ll make a special trip, just for those noodles. Om nom nom…

 

Scotyz

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3979, boul. Taschereau, Saint-Hubert

Scotyz is more of a bar, but it has surprisingly good food. I haven’t had much diversity (I always order the Philly steak sub with fries, and steal a few bites of calamari, which is what my step-father or mother always order, and I pretty much only go with them, separate or together), but the things I have had are all super good. ImageEspecially the sub. I can say, hands down, that it’s the best sub I’ve ever had in my life, from anywhere. Tons of steak, not over-cooked, thickly sliced mushrooms, still nice and firm, not those mushy gross things you see in most subs, slathered in a ton of moz (hold the onions). It’s ridiculously good. It comes with fries, which are also amazing, but I can usually only eat about half of them, sometimes less, cause they’re huge and they give lots of them. The drinks are good, and not very expensive. I usually either have a long island iced tea, or a Rev. When I lived in St-Hubert, Mom and I used to go out here about once a week. She loves the long island iced teas as well, and always has the calamari to eat. She, like me (or I, like her?), is a creature of habit, and always takes the same thing. We’ve had many a good night at Scotyz, sometimes with a whole pitcher of long island iced tea in front of us. Oh yeah. (I couldn’t find, for my second picture, any food, so here’s some booze instead. This looks to be a long island and a screwdriver, although their drinks are often served in mason jars. It’s real cute.) They have themed nights as well, like Poker Mondays and Karaoke Wednesdays and Saturdays. The rest of the time, I think, it’s just the radio. Not really a radio, cause there’s no commercials, but something like that Sirius radio thing. I don’t remember ever seeing a real DJ. The karaoke is fun, I’ve been a few times. On quieter nights you get to sing more, and that’s always fun. I’m terrified of singing in public, so I always look like a deer caught in the headlights when I’m up on stage, but I love singing, so I do it anyways. Conquer that fear!!

The Keg

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                                                           25 St Paul E, Montreal                                                                5 Place Ville Marie, Montreal

The Keg is the only restaurant on this list that’s one of those fancy-schmancy places I was talking about, so I don’t go very often. I used to go once a year, for some special occasion, but I haven’t been in years. I keep asking people if they want to go, and they always say it’s too pricey. It is, but damn is it ever good, too! And it’s not quite as pricey some other fancy places. I went to Modavie not too long ago, and my three-course meal and two drinks bill was 140-some-odd dollars. Just for me. That’s insane.  My step-father paid for four of us (my sister, my mother, me and himself), and he said it was the most expensive meal outing he’s ever made, about $600. That’s insane for a meal. That’s groceries for a month!! But anyways, I’m getting WAY off topic here… What was I saying? Oh, right, food, good. ImageI generally always take the same thing when I come here. I’m sure everything on the menu is amazing, but I love me my steak and shrimps, so that’s what I always take. I start with a shrimp cocktail (with 5 HUGE shrimps, cooked to perfection). Then I’ll order the filet mignon, with sides of asparagus, mushrooms and sometimes sweet potatoes. And then I’ll finish off with some of the best cheesecake in the world. It’s sooo creamy and good. There’s a very large amount of drinks to choose from as well, as well as a good sized wine and beer list, if that’s what you prefer. I often have a blue martini (I forget what they called it, or everything that’s in it, although it’s safe to assume that there is vodka and curacao blue) before, and sometimes during, the meal. I’m heading back down to Montreal in a few days to spend some time with my aunt while she’s in town. Maybe I can convince her to go, it’s been such a long time…

 

Caraibana

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1006 Bd Curé Poirier O, Longueuil

Caraibana is one of the few places that is my go-to takeout. It’s one of the few places I try to go every time I’m in town. And often enough, when I drive back home, I’ll get some to go so my husband can have some too, he also loves it. It’s a Creole / Caribbean place. ImageI always used to get the pork (grilot) until one day when I went and they didn’t have any ready. I was so very sad. It was the same thing that I’d been eating there for years. So with a heavy heart, I decided to be adventurous and try the goat. Best thing that ever happened to me, food wise. As good as the pork is, it’s nothing compared to the goat. It’s super good, cooked to perfection, and oh-so-tender! I always take that now, unless it happens that they don’t have any. I can’t comment on the drinks, I’ve never had one there (since I mostly take to go), but I know they have a full bar, so I imagine you can order almost anything from it. They also have a themed night on Saturdays, with Caribbean music and a pretty big dance floor. Oh, and fried plantains. I can’t get enough of those fried plantains.

 

 Kanda

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                                             2045 Rue Bishop, Montreal                                                                                             537 Rue Sainte-Catherine Ouest                                                                                                2340 Bd Lapinière, Brossard                                                                                         987 Bd Saint-Jean, Pointe-Claire                                                                                                    251 Bd Labelle, Rosemère                                                      And a few other locations

And finally, this is one of my very favourite places to eat, Kanda. It’s all-you-can-eat sushi, and it’s amazing. There’s not only sushi, as well. ImageThere’s a whole page of other stuff to choose from, including beef, chicken, noodles and squid. Most times if I have a dinner for something I’ll choose this place. I used to always go to the one on Bishop, but since they opened one in Brossard, I hardly ever go to the other one any more. They have bubble tea as well, but the one I tried was gross, so I never tried again. I don’t drink alcohol with my sushi, either, so I can’t speak for the quality of the drinks, but they do have some. It works by filling out the pages with the number of things you want, and then the items come in waves until everything has arrived. Be warned, though: order carefully, you’ll be charged extra for everything you over-order. That’s to make sure that there’s no waste, otherwise it could be ridiculous the amount of wastage people would do. I didn’t get my sushi fix last time I was in Montreal (and good sushi places here in Quebec are extremely few and far between, and none of them are all-you-can-eat), so I’ll be sure to next time!

So, those are my favourite places to eat in and around Montreal. I very much recommend them to anyone who enjoys food, and doesn’t feel the need to always eat fancy and pricey. Bon appetit, and stay tuned for more!

M.

The Lovey-Dovey Twelve (aka, My Favourite Chick Flicks)

So I’d been thinking of doing a “best of 2013” kind of thing, but I honestly don’t think I’ve seen enough new stuff to merit a whole list. I’ve got a bad habit of letting my stuff to watch pile up, so I’m usually years behind. This year, for example, I’ve only seen 4 or 5 films in the cinema. I love going, but not all the films I want to see play in english here, and I refuse to see dubbed films. So, anyways, all that to say that my “best of 2013” list would be too short, so I decided to not make one, and just go on with my regular programming, hehe.

Chick flicks. They’re usually either really good, or really crappy. There doesn’t seem to be a middle ground with these films. A good one will make you feel all fuzzy and schmoopy, while a bad one will usually just make you roll your eyes, and occasionally wonder if the film makers really think their target audience is that stupid. I do love a good chick flick though, under that shell of horror lover, there’s a closet romantic. So I’ve put together a list of the 12 chick flicks that I love the most. I’ve put them in order, but honestly the “points” separating the films are few, so while they’re ordered 1 to 12, it would probably be closer to three 4-way ties, or something of the sort. I’ve also kept the list to “adult” chick flicks. Teen flicks like Clueless, Pretty in Pink or 10 Things I Hate About You would definitely fit into this list too, but I’ve left all the teen films out, so if it takes place in or around a high school, it’s not here. Maybe I’ll make another post sometime for the teen flicks. But until then, here are my dozen favourite chick flicks.

 

12 – While You Were Sleeping
(1995) Sandra Bullock, Bill Pullman, Peter Gallagher, Peter Boyle and Jack Warden

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Lucy is a lonely subway worker who admires a handsome regular traveller, Peter, from afar. One morning she sees him get mugged and pushed onto the tracks, unconscious. Without thinking, she jumps onto the tracks and pulls him to safety. At the hospital, a misunderstanding leads Peter’s family to think that Lucy is not only the woman who saved his life, but his fiancée as well. Taken in by the family, Lucy goes along with the charade because she’s tired of being so lonely. But things get complicated when she starts to fall for Peter’s handsome brother, Jack, and Peter himself wakes up. This film is just so sweet, you can’t help but love it. The characters are all so real, and you can really feel poor Lucy’s plight. It’s not anything really that special, but it somehow just sticks with you in the long run, and it’s been a favourite of mine since I first saw it.

 

11 – Center Stage
(2000) Amanda Schull, Zoe Saldana, Ethan Stiefel, Susan May Pratt, Sascha Radetsky and Peter Gallagher

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I love dancing films. Even the crappy ones I tend to enjoy more than I should. But it’s even better when the whole movie is awesome as well, and not just cool for the dance scenes, like so many of them are. Center Stage is dancing film at it’s very best. Jody is a young dancer whose dream is to be accepted to the American Ballet Academy, and then be offered a position dancing for the company. The first part of her dream comes true, and she goes hard to work trying to please her teachers, and falls hard for the handsome new choreographer. She strives to become the best dancer she can, despite her “imperfect” feet, and she makes friendships that will last a lifetime. I love how real the characters are in this film. So many chick flicks have such totally implausible scenarios (but we love them anyways, don’t we ladies?), but this one is completely believable. And the dancing, of course, is stunning. They hired actual ballet dancers, so the dancing is all real and seamless, not chopped up and edited to look like it’s all the same person doing the dancing (but you can always tell it’s not). Not on this list, but still very much worth your time, is the sequel: Center Stage, Turn It Up.

 

10 – The Truth About Cats & Dogs
(1996) Janeane Garofalo, Uma Thurman, Ben Chaplin, Jamie Foxx and Hank the Dog

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Abby and Noelle are best friends who live in the same building. Noelle is a beautiful model, but is rather dumb, and Abby, while not an obvious beauty, is brilliant, and has a radio talk show about animals called, you guessed it, The Truth About Cats & Dogs. She gets a caller one day asking for help getting a very upset, very large dog out of roller skates. After successful removal, the caller, Brian, asks if he could meet her to say thanks in person. She, being very insecure about her looks, goes ahead and gives her description… of Noelle. But when she sees him, she immediately falls for him, and spends most of her evenings on the phone with him. But when they meet in person, she sends Noelle in her place. I fear I’m not explaining this very well, and I think I’m making it sound more complicated than it is, but trust me, if you haven’t seen it and love chick flicks like I do, run out and get this one right away. It’s a definite winner, so sweet and romantic, and Ben Chaplin is a total hunnie, especially with that accent.

 

9 – Romeo + Juliet
(1996) Leonardo DiCaprio, Claire Danes, John Leguizamo, Harold Perrineau, Pete Postlethwaite and Paul Rudd

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Ah, Leo. I was 15 when this film came out, and, like all the other girls, I was gaga over Leo, and this movie just solidified his standing as “ultimate heartthrob” of the 90’s. The way the movie was made, it could have just been campy and ridiculous, but thankfully they hired actors who can actually act, and it made it the best version, in my opinion anyways, of Romeo and Juliet ever put on film. I’m sure I don’t need to go over the synopsis, even those who have never seen the films nor even read the play still know what it’s about. So, instead, just scroll up and gaze lovingly at Leo for a minute or two. It’ll make your day just a little brighter :-p

 

8 – Little Women
(1994) Winona Ryder, Susan Sarandon, Christian Bale, Trini Alvarado, Gabriel Byrne, Claire Danes, Kirsten Dunst and Samantha Mathis

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You would think something like this would be boring, because nothing really happens, but it’s not. It’s just, simply, life. Jo and her family (three sisters and their mother, father’s away at war) have fallen on some hard times. The story follows them as they grow, go to school, find work and fall in love. The movie looks gorgeous and is wonderfully acted, I especially love Gabriel Byrne, and we’re treated to a slightly geeky looking pre-fame Christian Bale. If you like sumptuous period pieces and don’t mind a slowly paced film, then this is for you. Get the kleenex out, though, this one’s a tear-jerker!

 

7 – Fried Green Tomatoes
(1991) Kathy Bates, Mary Stuart Masterson, Mary-Louise Parker, Jessica Tandy, Cicely Tyson and Stan Shaw

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Another simple story of a lifelong friendship between two women, the fiery and wild Idgie and the calmer and grounded Ruth. After loosing her brother (and Ruth’s fiancée), Idgie and Ruth’s bond becomes unbreakable, and the women open a café together that soon becomes the heart of their small town. Things get rough when Ruth’s abusive ex-husband comes around looking for her and his son, but when times get tough is when you see that family means more than just blood. Kleenex will also be needed here, lots of it. Damn that duck story…

 

6 – Benny & Joon
(1993) Johnny Depp, Mary Stuart Masterson, Aidan Quinn, Julianne Moore, CCH Pounder and Oliver Platt

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Joon is a mentally ill young woman who lives with her over-protective older brother, Benny. Benny is advised by Joon’s doctor that she should be in a home for the mentally ill, but Benny refuses to send her away, preferring instead to get home care. Benny is at the end of his rope, however, after Joon drives away yet another caretaker, and he’s not sure what to do any more. That’s when Joon “wins” Sam, an eccentric young man, in a poker game. Sam comes to live with them and he assumes the role as Joon caretaker. At least, that’s how Benny sees it. For Sam and Joon, it’s an opportunity for love, an opportunity neither has had before. This film is so sweet and so quirky, it’s impossible not to love it. Sam and Joon have such chemistry onscreen, and all the acting is amazing, so much more than your typical chick flick. And, of course, Johnny Depp is a joy to watch, both for his stellar acting and his dreamy looks.

 

5 – Practical Magic
(1998) Sandra Bullock, Nicole Kidman, Stockard Channing, Dianne Wiest, Aidan Quinn and Goran Visnjic

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Sally and GIllian Owens are witches. Ask anyone in town, and they’ll tell you stories of the long line of Owens witches. After her husband dies, Sally goes back home to live with her two aunts with her two daughters, who she vows will never do magic. She’s convinced that her husband was killed by the “Owens curse”, and doesn’t want her children to share her fate. Gillian, in her travels, meets a heartthrob called Jimmy, who, as it turns out, is a serial killer. Sally races to her sister’s rescue, but is unable to get her away in time, and after much fuss, Jimmy ends up dead in their car. A handsome cop comes around, hunting for Jimmy, and Sally feels that old stirring of love in her heart again. This is such an amazing film, everything is perfect. I keep on meaning to read the book, but I always end up picking something else instead. But I hear it’s quite different from the movie, so maybe it’s best if I didn’t read it, since I adore the film so much.

 

4 – Moonstruck
(1987) Cher, Nicolas Cage, Olympia Dukakis, Vincent Gardenia, Danny Aiello and John Mahoney

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Loretta is a 38 year old widow who lives in Brooklyn with her parents, grandfather and a crap load of dogs. She’s been dating a man, Johnny, for several years, and accepts when he proposes marriage. Loretta doesn’t love him, but that’s a good thing, her mother assures her, because “when you love them, they drive you crazy, cause they know they can”. Johnny has to fly home to Italy to be with his dying mother, but says that once she’s dead he’ll come home to marry her, which should be no longer than a month. As he’s leaving he asks her to contact his younger brother, Ronnie, who he hasn’t seen in years, to invite him to the wedding.When Loretta goes to Ronnie, she finds a young, turbulent man whose hand was sliced off in an accident. Loretta finds herself drawn to this man, and, after a night of passion, they’re deeply in love. I absolutely love this film. Cher is wonderful (and disgustingly beautiful) as Loretta, and Nicolas Cage is, well, young, hehe. But what I especially love about the film (or love the film despite of, depending on how you see it) is that everything is just so… damn… dramatic! Lots of heavy sighs and raised arms, it may be a caricature of Italians, but it’s a darn entertaining one.

 

3 – Only You
(1994) Marisa Tomei, Robert Downey Jr, Bonnie Hunt, Joaquim de Almeida, Fisher Stevens and Billy Zane

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Stupidly romantic, this film is what solidified Robert Downey Jr as my favourite actor. As a teen, Faith and her friends play with a Ouija board. When asked who her soulmate was, the board told Faith it was someone named Damon Bradley. A few months later, a fortune teller tells her the same thing. Fast forward ten years, and Faith is a young teacher, engaged to be married to a podiatrist. A phone call is about to upset her whole life, though, as she writes down the name of the caller: Damon Bradley. She absolutely looses her shit (that’s the technical term) and decides to follow Damon to Venice, to see if he really is her soulmate. Films don’t get much more schmoopy than this, folks. This is the very definition of romantic. My heart flutters a little every time I see it.

 

2 – Ever After
(1998) Drew Barrymore, Anjelica Huston, Dougray Scott, Megan Dodds, Melanie Lynskey and Patrick Godfrey

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A retelling of the classic Cinderella story, perfectly done. Danielle is a hard working young woman whose stepmother, after her father dies, treats her like one of the servants instead of like her own daughters. Danielle accidentally meets the prince, Henry, while she’s attempting to free another servant from being shipped off to the Americas. Henry takes a fancy to her, believing her to be a courtesan, and starts to court her. Danielle, having felt the same attraction, keeps up the charade to be with him, but her scheming stepmother has other plans: she wants her own daughter, the beautiful but horrible Marguerite, to marry Henry, not Danielle. The Cinderella story has never had such a glorious treatment, not before nor since. If you haven’t seen it, I strongly recommend it.

 

1 – The Princess Bride
(1987) Cary Elwes, Mandy Patinkin, Robin Wright, Chris Sarandon, André the Giant, Christopher Guest, Wallace Shawn and Billy Crystal

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And, of course, the chick flick to beat all chick flicks is the fantastic The Princess Bride. The plot is a little twisty-turny, so I won’t go into it too much, but it’s wonderful. It’s got action, suspense, revenge and lots and lots of schmoop. Long story short, a man has to save his beloved from an evil prince who wants to use her to start a war. There’s lots more to it, but that’s the basic thing. Anyone who doesn’t like this film simply has no heart. That is all. Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die. Oh yeah.

 

And that rounds up my list. There are a bunch more awesome films that were thisclose to being on the list, but in the end these ones on the list were just a little better. But here, in no particular order, are the honourable mentions:
Dirty Dancing
Pretty Woman
Steel Magnolias
Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day
Some Like It Hot
Wimbledon
Josie and the Pussycats
Simply Irresistible
The Cutting Edge
Three to Tango
Splash
Blow Dry
Waitress
Miss Congeniality
Ghost
I realize there are more titles in the honourable mentions than in the actual list, but oh well. Just pretend that all these films are tied for 13th place, hehe.

So what do you think? Are your favourite chick flicks here? Did I forget something? Let me know in the comments, and stay tuned for more! 🙂

M.

Happy New Year!

Sorry for the laze-about, but, you know, holidays. Erk. Zoom here, zoom there, and for someone like me, zooming ain’t easy. So I’ve been much too busy and tired to blog. But I still have plenty of ideas, so just hang in there, faithful readers (you guys are 12 now! Hello happy growing pile-o-readers! 😀 ), and I’ll be back once everything calms down again, hehe. Until then, I wish everyone a (belated) happy christmas, and a (also belated) happy new year!! *muah*

M.

The Most Beautiful Men

It’s no secret: I like beautiful men. I have a pretty specific genre that I like, and if there’s anyone who I find beautiful that’s not in my usual criteria, you can imagine that he’s as damn near perfect as a person can get, hehe. There isn’t really much else to say, this post is pure visual candy. I’m oogling them, and unashamed. Care to join me? Here they are, in alphabetical order (since that’s how they’re ordered in my pictures file :-p ), the men in the entertainment industry that I find the best looking. (For those who prefer women, worry not! I shall do another post like this about the ladies!)

 

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I’ve known who Alexander is for a good while now, but I hadn’t seen anything that he’d done until True Blood. And really, they couldn’t have picked a better actor to portray the thousand year old Viking. He definitely looked his best in season 1, when they actually had him looking like a Viking. He hadn’t cut his hair for a thousand years, why on earth would he start now?? That’s just one of the (many) things that annoy me about the show. But I digress…

 

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Andy Biersack is the lead singer for the rock group Black Veil Brides. I don’t like all their music, but it’s mostly pretty good, and the band is talented. Andy’s vocals are quite amazing, surprisingly deep for someone that looks so… girly :-p If I were putting this list in order, Andy would be very near the top, maybe even number one. Let’s just pretend, for skeezyness’ sake, that he’s not only 21 years old, ok…?

 

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Dorian Gray. That’s really all I need to say here. A quite liberal take on the book, I nevertheless enjoyed the movie quite a bit. I’m sure seeing almost all of Ben’s skin had nothing to do with that… He’s got such a baby face that I was surprised (and rather relieved) that he’s the same age as me!

 

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Before Star Trek 2, I’d never heard of Benedict. My friends have been singing the praises of Sherlock since it came out, but I’d never gotten around to watching it until recently. Before I saw him on the big screen, I’d only seen pictures, and was unimpressed. I thought he was just weird looking, like a strange elf. And then I saw him in action on-screen. And oh. My. God. I had to take back every single thing I said about him. I was so smitten that the very next day after seeing ST2, I hooked myself up to Netflix and watched Sherlock. Watching him in action as the famous sleuth literally takes my breath away. And that voice… mm.

 

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Before Hemlock Grove, I didn’t even know Alexander had a brother (let alone the 3 other siblings he’s got besides Bill!), but after watching the show I have to ask myself, what the heck is in the water in Sweden?? I mean really.

 

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Lead singer for the alternative band Placebo, I’ve been in love with Brian Molko (and Placebo) since I graduated high school. He’s got such a unique voice, makes such amazing, powerful, meaningful music that it’s literally impossible to not love him. He’s 40 now, but he still looks freaking fabulous!

 

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Colin looks good in pretty much everything he’s been in. And if he happens to be in a role that allows him use of his real accent (Irish), the hotness doubles. But if I had to choose the one film he looked best in, I’d have to go with Fright Night, even though he doesn’t have the accent. Cause he plays a vampire, and that trumps everything :-p

 

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I’m sure any girl my age would agree with me, David was the ultimate heartthrob of the 90’s. I was in high school when Buffy the Vampire Slayer first aired, and, like every other teenaged girl with eyes, I was immediately smitten with the vampiric Angel. He plays in Bones now, which is in it’s 9th season, and he hasn’t lost any of his appeal. His few forays onto the big screen went mostly unnoticed (for good reason), but that’s ok. He doesn’t need to be in films to be awesome. TV is a good place to be.

 

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Ah, Doctor. My beautiful, lonely, messed-up Doctor. I’ve only recently discovered Doctor Who, but I’m so very glad I did. David could look good sitting in a burlap sack while reading a phone book. Thankfully though, his roles make him look much better than that. I’m going to say, in the looks department, it’ll be a tie between Doctor Who and Fright Night. If only for the shirtless, leather-pants-clad scene alone.

 

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Cellist in the alternative band Apocalytica, Eicca is as talented as he is beautiful. I saw them live a few years back, and I have to say it’s one of the best shows I’ve ever been to. And I’ve been to a lot. Eicca’s weight fluctuates a lot, so sometimes he looks much rounder than usual. I guess that’s when he’s been off tour for a while. Cause the way they run around the stage with their huge instruments night after night, there’s no way he’d keep on any extra pounds! hehe

 

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I’ve loved Elijah since I was a kid. We’re almost the exact same age (he’s 7 months older) so we kinda grew up together. He was a cute kid, then he went through this horrible gawky stage in his teens, but thankfully he grew out of it, and now he’s gorgeous. He’s got the goofiest smile, I think it’s perfectly charming. And those eyes, my goodness. You could fall right into those pools. He’s a wonderful actor, too, which makes him even better!

 

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While he’s gotten too “manly” for me, the first film I saw him in floored me. His role as Dracula in Dracula 2000 was absolutely perfect. It’s still one of my favourite Dracula performances. Taken as what it’s meant to be, Dracula 2000 is awesome.

 

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I’d never heard of Harry before Game of Thrones, although I did just recently see him in a two-part episode of Doctor Who. And while he was cute in the episode, if I were picking favourites, it would definitely be his role as the snivelling ass-hat Prince Viserys. The character has absolutely no redeeming qualities, but my-oh-my was he beautiful. That scene with the girl in the bathtub…. *phew*

 

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I first saw Jackson in Twilight, and while his hair was weird, his face is absolutely stunning. I haven’t seen all his movies, but I think he probably looked his best in The Last Airbender. Mediocre movie at best, but boy, did he make it worthwhile! He really is a great actor, and you can actually see it when he picks good projects to be in (like that chilling episode of Criminal Minds…)

 

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This man seemingly has it all; looks, acting talent, and a hell of a set of pipes. I don’t know where he thinks he gets off being so  talented, I mean really, save some for the rest of us! I’ve seen his band, 30 Seconds to Mars, live twice. And last time I even waited around after the show so I could get his autograph. I’ve never done that before. He’s the first celebrity that I’ve ever touched (our fingers brushed while I took my CD back, ooh :-p ), and while I’m sure it didn’t do anything life-altering to me, it was cool to meet him nonetheless, hehe.

 

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Dean Winchester. Really, do I have to say anything more than that?? You have no idea how happy it makes me that a man this beautiful loves to do horror. It’s just a shame that, despite his looks and talent, he can’t seem to find a good film role. That’s ok, as long as he keeps doing Supernatural, it’s all good.

 

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Beautiful and talented, Johnny’s been one of my favourite actors since I first saw him, all those years ago, in Cry-Baby, which, by rights, should be a very bad movie, and yet somehow isn’t. Or, maybe it is, and I just don’t see it, hehe. Actually, technically it would be Nightmare on Elm Street that I first saw him in, but I was so young that I hardly remember at all, and I actually didn’t know it was Johnny in the role till I saw it again somewhere in my late teens. But my favourite film of his is probably still Sleepy Hollow. Man, I love that flick… Johnny owns a club called The Viper Room in LA (where River Phoenix tragically died), and I went there on my trip to LA a few years back. Sadly, he was not in attendance :-p

 

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I first saw Jonathan in Velvet Goldmine, and have been in love ever since. It seems unfair that someone so attractive should also be so talented, but there you have it. He’s looked amazing in almost all of his roles, but I’d have to pick Titus as the top. The combo of the long hair and tattoos just rocked me. I’m looking forward to see his portrayal of Dracula. As usual, I’m waiting till the end of the season so I can watch at my leisure. So hurry up, dammit! hehe

 

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Jon Snow. That is all. I haven’t seen Kit in anything but Game of Thrones, but with the talent and looks he’s got, I’m sure we’ll be seeing him pop up more in time.

 

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While Lee Pace looks good no matter what he’s doing, He was jaw-droppingly gorgeous (for all of 2 seconds) in The Hobbit. I was so happy to see that he was in this movie, and after spending the whole movie waiting to see him again, I was quite upset it never happened. Thank goodness there’s two other Hobbit films to come! I certainly hope I’ll get to see the second before it leaves cinemas!

 

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Matthew (of the ever-changing hair) is the lead singer for alternative rock band Muse, one of my very favourite bands. I *finally* got to see them live this year (last time they came round I found out on the day of. I was not amused), and it was fan-bloody-tastic. If I believed in angels, I’d say his voice was a gift straight from the angels. As it is, I’ll just say his voice is amazing. And he sounds just as good live as he does on the CD. You’d be surprised (or not) at how many singers don’t.

 

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I’ve just recently started watching Criminal Minds, and boy am I glad I did (and not only because of Matthew). It’s such a great show, awesome stories, solid acting all the way around, just generally a great show. Not a very realistic view of FBI procedures I’m sure, but really now, what show is? I’m at season 7 now, at the beginning, I’ve only watched the first episode. Matthew’s character, Dr Spencer Reid, is one of the best characters in the show. He’s a gorgeous geek, and a complete genius. I’ve only seen him in one film (How to be a Serial Killer), but it was pretty good, if a little weird. I don’t actually know what else he’s been in. I should probably check it out… And, yes, I just realized I spelled his name wrong in my picture, but I’m too lazy to change it. So there.

 

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Castiel. Nuff said. Oddly enough, when Castiel first showed himself in season 4 of Supernatural, I wasn’t all that impressed. He was good looking, yes, but nothing special. But through his interaction with Dean Winchester, and the force of his personality, he got more beautiful by the second. I’m so upset at the direction that Supernatural writers took the character, especially in season 7. He just doesn’t feel like the same person any more. I know character development is important in a show, but really, did he have to “develop” that far??

 

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My favourite Nicholas Hoult film is definitely Warm Bodies, but I can’t really say that’s the film he looks the best in. The goth/emo look is fine. Dead? Not so much. But he was absolutely breathtaking in A Single Man. And not because he was naked a whole lot near the end. Ok, not just because… :-p But holy crap, what a downer that film was, especially the ending. I was so emotionally wrung out after that, I needed to watch a cartoon afterwards, hehe.

 

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I first saw Orlando in Lord of the Rings and he literally took my breath away. Not the best of actors, but when you look like he does, I suppose it doesn’t matter too much. To choose whether he looked better in Lord of the Rings or Pirates of the Caribbean, though, that’s impossible. So I call a tie. Looking forward to seeing him in The Desolation of Smaug, even though, from what I saw in the trailers, his face seems to be very CGI’d. Did he age that badly in just over 10 years..?

 

Robert Downey Jr

I’ve loved Robert Downey Jr since I was a kid. He’s so talented, I just can’t believe he still doesn’t have an Oscar. He was nominated twice, but never won. What a shame. But like a fine wine, Robert seems to get better with age. He’s always been good looking, but he was positively gorgeous as Tony Stark. And he still makes my heart flutter in Only You, one of my all-time favourite chick flicks.

 

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Strangely enough, when I first saw Thor, I can’t say that I really noticed Tom. I’m not sure why, maybe I wasn’t paying enough attention. But then The Avengers came out, and my jaw literally hit the floor. That scene where Loki’s at the party, coming down the stairs, in that suit? The man couldn’t have looked more perfect than if he’d walked straight out of my dreams.

 

Honourable mentions for actors who have passed away

I feel a little gross including dead men in my list of beauties, so I’ll list a few off here, to remind you how good looking they were in life:

River Phoenix (The Thing Called Love, Stand By Me)
Heath Ledger (10 Things I Hate About You, The Dark Knight)
Brandon Lee (The Crow)
Brad Renfro (The Client, Apt Pupil)
Corey Haim (The Lost Boys, Just One of the Girls)
Kurt Cobain (singer of alternative band Nirvana)
Glenn Quinn (Angel)

And that’s it. What did you think? Which male celebrities make you weak in the knees? Let me know in the comments, and stay tuned for more!! 🙂

M.

Hospitals suck…

Hi guys. Sorry I’ve been away for a few days. I’ve just had the worst week, and spent some time in the hospital. I was able to come home yesterday evening, finally, and even though I’m still pretty weak, I’ll try churn out a post sometime in the near future. If not today, then most likely tomorrow. Laters!

M.

5 of the Most WTF Music Videos I’ve Ever Seen

So, I had started a longer post for today, but I really wasn’t into it. After every single line I’d just stop and stare blankly at the screen, and that’s never good. But I haven’t put a post up in a few days, and I’d set a goal for two posts a week, bare minimum. And with another week coming to a close with only one post up, I need to get my ass in gear. Writers always say that to be able to write freely and easier, you need to write often, even on days when nothing’s coming, so I figured I’d keep my long post for a day when I’m really into it (cause it’s a real good one, too) and just do a quickie post, to keep the goal I set for myself.

I enjoy music videos. Before switching to Bell’s Fibe cable, we had the channels Much More Retro and Much Loud (that Fibe doesn’t offer, makes me very upset. It’s seriously almost enough to send me back to Videotron, but anyways…) and I almost always had the TV on to one of those channels while I was doing other stuff. Videos are a good way to “get to know” the band you’re listening to, see what they look like, and what kind of message they’re trying to send with each song that has a video made for it. Some people think that music videos are “dated” and it’s ridiculous to keep making them, but I disagree. I find the visual enhances the auditory. But then, every so often, you come across a video that seems like whoever came up with the concept is not from this planet. Or, more likely, that they were on a very large quantity of drugs. For this little list, I’ve concentrated on music from more recent years. I could fill the whole Internet with a list of WTF music videos from the 80’s, for example, so I left them all out. My oldest song will be from 1995, when music videos, and the fashion and entertainment industry as a whole, actually, became a bit more “normal”. So, here we go, 5 of the most WTF music videos I’ve ever seen, in no particular order.

 

Radioactive by Imagine Dragons

So, the set-up is this: the band is captured and caged by an evil man (played in great, sleazy glory by actor Lou Diamond Phillips) who runs a fighting pit where people bet on fights between… wait for it… stuffed animals. Oh yes. A beautiful girl makes her way to the gambling arena with her challenger in tow, a small, pink teddy bear. The champion, a big, ugly, fuzzy purple thing, is making minced-meat out of all the competition, so when the tiny bear is dropped into the ring, everyone laughs. After seemingly getting his ass kicked, the pink teddy, moments before being dropped into the loser’s pit by the evil man, decides he’s had enough. He charges his paw with pink light, and knocks big purple right out of the ring. It’s really got to be seen to truly appreciate the absurdity of it. The song, though, is amazing.

 

Kids by MGMT

If I were putting these in order, this one would definitely be number one. I have no idea what the creators of this video for this amazing song were on but, really, can I have some? How to even start explaining it… A toddler is seeing monsters everywhere while being brought around town by his mother, who seems more interested in her phone than her son. The poor lad cries as he looks all around to see the monsters. Escaping to a little park, our tiny hero runs into the band, who are dressed in skin tight silver clothing, I imagine they’re supposed to be woodland faeries? I dunno. Despite the ridiculous getup, the singer is still delicious. After our little man is returned to his mother, the “real world” goes away, and we’re treated to some of the most psychedelic animations I’ve ever seen. Really, whoever came up with this stuff was not thinking with earth logic. MGMT‘s videos are all pretty nuts, actually, but this one really takes the cake.

 

Panic Station by Muse

I love Muse, and their music videos are always pretty cool and different. Bliss has (gorgeous) lead singer Matthew Bellamy falling forever through a giant structure in space. Supremacy has a bunch of people in death metal makeup going surfing. Uprising has a giant teddy bear stomping through a town. But the weirdest video is definitely one of the newest ones, Panic Station, from their latest album The 2nd Law. It doesn’t really have a story to it like a lot of cool videos do, it’s just the band, and a bunch of other weird people, dressed outlandishly (Matthew wears a giant, fuzzy pink jacket with huge shades that flash words to the song) and they’re basically just walking around Tokyo being strange. Oh, and if you watch the video, stick around after the song ends for some funny bloopers.

 

Paranoid Android by Radiohead

I don’t even know how to start explaining this one. It’s animated (thank goodness, given some of the things we see later in the video). There’s two friends going around town, doing stuff. There’s a chick in a tree who’ll let you look at her naked body for cash, there’s a guy in a bar that’s got a face coming out of his belly. There’s a fat man in a leather and spike-studded g-string trying to chop down a street lamp with an axe. There’s an angel who helicopters the main character (I guess) around as the fat man swings himself into exhaustion and eventually cuts all his limbs off and falls off the bridge. There are mermaids with huge, naked breasts who wrap up the now limbless fat man into a small bundle and put him in the naked lady’s tree. And then our friends go home. If any of that made any sense to you… I want what you’re on :-p

 

Nancy Boy by Placebo

Placebo is another band that I love that has cool and different videos (and another gorgeous lead singer, hehe). I was hesitating between Bruise Pristine and this one for the list, and I finally decided to go with this one because, despite their similarities, Nancy Boy is just a little weirder. It’s got legs moving around with no torso, or a torso with no legs. There’s stuff impaled on spikes, heads merging together, a live boy who’s bottom half is a mannequin and loads of other weird imagery. Nancy Boy’s not one of my favorite Placebo songs, but it definitely hits a 10 on the strange-o-meter!

 

What do you think of my picks? Too strange? Not strange enough? Let me know in the comments, and stay tuned for more! 🙂

M.

The Dirty Dozen (aka The Worst Horror Movies Ever Made)

So, I hadn’t originally intended for this entry to be about horror films. This was supposed to be a “worst movies” list, period, not just horror. But after I was done making the list, I realized that every single film on it was horror. Horror’s a very special kind of genre, home to not only some of the very best film has to offer, but some of the very worst as well. It’s that kind of genre that, when done well, is absolutely perfect, chilling and able to get the old adrenaline pumping. But when done wrong, as it lamentably often is, it’s sometimes spectacularly awful. Now, I haven’t seen all the horror films in the world, so I can’t speak for the volumes and volumes of crap that I’m sure is out there. I generally stay away from stuff that looks like it’s going to be horrible, so I can spare myself the horror of having to sit through something like, say, Troll 2. Also, a word of warning: I will be crapping all over some people’s favorite films, so if you can’t handle that, there’s the door *points to the browser’s X*. There’s no particular order to the films in the list, either. They all suck, so putting them in order of suckiness just seems a little redundant.

 

The ABC’s of Death

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If I were taking the time to put all the films in order of suckiness, I’d have to put this one at the top (or would that be bottom?) because it truly is a colossal piece of shit. The idea was cool: 26 different directors got a letter of the alphabet, and they have to make a short horror film about a word that starts with that letter (A is for Apocalypse, B is for Bigfoot, C is for Cycle, etc). Unfortunately, there isn’t a single good segment of the whole thing. I sat through the whole thing, but I admit to fast forwarding through a good part of the segments. If a 5 minute film isn’t good within the first 2, chances are doubtful that it’ll get any better.

 

Night Watch (Nochnoi Dozor)

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This was one of the biggest disappointments on this list. By this I mean I was really looking forward to seeing the movie, and when I was finally able to, it sucked so hard that it almost made me cry. It’s based on the novel of the same title by Russian author Sergei Lukyanenko, and the book is marvelous. It’s got awesome new twists to add to the horror genre, the writing was great, as was the story. When I heard they were making a film of the books, I was super excited, and the trailer looked awesome. Imagine my surprise when I was finally able to watch the damned thing and it sucks. Like sucks bad. The story was very different and the acting… oh my god, the acting. The scene where our hero sees the girl for the first time on the train was so spectacularly bad that I just laughed. I made it about halfway through before I gave up.

 

Mirrors

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It took me a while to finally rent this film when it came out because I hate mirrors. There are none in my house except for the one in the bathroom, and the small one on a pedestal in the office I use for makeup. They make me so uncomfortable that I even have trouble sleeping if there’s a naked mirror in the room. All this to say that I was already afraid of this film before I saw it. Eventually, I collected all my nerves, and put it in the machine. And then my fear turned to boredom, very very quickly. And it’s too bad, because the idea was interesting (a malevolent force hiding in the mirrors, using reflections to cause harm, insanity, even death), but the film itself was just so very dull. It’s got a few cool visual effects, but other than that, this film is a total dud.

 

House of the Dead

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I’ve never openly scorned a film, loudly, in a cinema before this one. But I felt I had to join in the chorus all around me. The only reason I didn’t demand a refund is that I didn’t pay for this. I feel sorry for anyone that did. This film should be the course material for a class called “How to Fail at Movie-Making 101”. Implausible story (even for a story including the living dead), completely unlikable cast, boring action and on top of it all everyone is so dumb that you wonder how they made it this far in life without loosing a limb or some other vital thing. Once one of the characters laments his life being over after getting a scratch on his cheek (oh, no, my beauty! Why didn’t they kill me??), that was it for me. Much booing and throwing of popcorn happened after that.

 

House of 1000 Corpses

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So Rob Zombie‘s making a movie?? That’ll be awesome!! *puts it in the dvd player* Oh, I’m sure it just starts slow… *waits* Any time now… *waits more* Oh look, gore… *waits* And, oh, more gore… *sighs* Maybe I’ve got some email to check… oh look, it’s over.

 

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre

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I know a lot of people love this film and consider it one of the great classics. What I don’t know is WHY. There is nothing special about this film, at all. It’s slow, badly acted and, really, just plain boring. I sat there feeling I’d have more fun getting a lobotomy than watching this movie. No, I didn’t see it when it came out (mostly because I wasn’t alive yet) so I didn’t get that atmosphere that came with it, I guess, that this was something new and shocking to see at the cinema. But still, I doubt that would have changed my enjoyment (or lack thereof) in the movie.

 

Halloween

halloween

Another entry sure to furrow a few brows (furrow? Is that even a word? Anyways…) Again, I have no idea why this one is considered a classic. Maybe it was a 70’s thing? Boring horror movies were bitchin’? I appreciate movies with a nice slow burn, but at some point, preferably before the last 10 minutes, something has to happen. This movie bored me so much, I think I got some permanent brain damage…

 

The Blair Witch Project

blairwitchproject

Blair Witch Project was brilliant in so many ways. It was well thought out, a great idea, well marketed and groundbreaking. That being said, I hated it. I don’t know if I would have liked it more had I seen it not knowing it was fake. I sat there watching, waiting, hoping it would get better, and when it ended with never having done anything, I threw my remaining popcorn at the tv. I’ve seen a lot of horror films in my day. Like A LOT. And not many of them bored me quite as much as Blair Witch did.

 

The Shining

shining

Oh, yes I did. I hated The Shining. Hated it a lot. I often get flack for speaking my mind about this film because, for some strange reason, this seems to be one of the most beloved horror films of all time. Despite the fact that it’s a boring-ass piece of turd. Stephen King himself hates the film (not that what the author thinks is what should sway you to like something or not, but since he’s backing my idea here, I’ll use it :-p ). The acting ranges from ok to WAY over the top to laughably bad (the bad being mostly from Duvall, her huge horse teeth doing nothing to soften the blow. Every time she was onscreen I had to cringe). Jack Nicholson acting like a deranged maniac for 2 hours does not make a film great.

 

Suspiria

suspiria

Yes, yet another fan favorite that I’m going to crap on. I warned you! :-p  A lot of my friends loved this so-called classic, and hail it as a masterpiece. Me? I could barely stay awake. The acting was so bad, I felt bad for the lead actress. And it just seemed to drag on and on. I’d rather have a tooth pulled then have to watch this again. Like Kubrick up there, I’ve never understood the appeal of Dario Argento. Sure, he made good use of the brand new Technicolour, but just because something looks pretty doesn’t make it automatically good. In fact, if you spend all your time on the pretty, you end up with Suspiria: a beautifully filmed piece of crap.

 

The Human Centipede

human-centipede

So, I knew going into it that something called The Human Centipede wasn’t going to be a quality film. But there are limits to human stupidity, come on now. Your car gets a flat on a lonely stretch of road surrounded by woods. You get out and start walking to find someone to help. And you do this by… walking through the woods?? Why the hell would you even consider leaving the road? And these girls just have the worst luck on the planet. Flat tire, disgusting pervert, lost in the woods, heavy rain, and now crazy doctor guy. Who they tell they’re alone. (The correct answer to the “are you alone?” question posed by a creepy stranger, kids, is “no, 2 friends stayed with the car in case someone else drives by”.) And unfortunately, this was the best part of the film. It was disgusting, stupid and then asks us to care about these stupid people who basically had “serial killer bait” tattooed on their faces. Oh, and that inspiring speech the Japanese man gave about “going out as a human being!” and then slicing his throat open? Yes, yes, very touching… until you realize that he’s speaking Japanese. To a German and two American girls. No one understood a word of what he said. Maybe that would explain the shockingly hilarious look on the doctor’s face while he’s talking… So, no, no stars for this one. It’s nauseating, and doesn’t even have the grace to at least be interesting to apologize for it.

 

Drag Me to Hell

Drag Me to Hell

So this is probably the best of the films on this list, not that that’s really an honour of any kind. I went into this film expecting something really scary, I’d heard some good things. Then, almost as soon as it started, I regretted my purchase. I stared at the screen, face all screwed up in “are you serious?” incredulity. I understand the director’s love of practical effects, but at the same time, it’s not the 70’s anymore. More can be done with less. And, besides the dated effects, it was just… silly. The horror, instead of being scary, made me laugh, and really not in a good way. The old woman going all tae-kwon-do in the back of the girl’s car? And then getting stapled? And the thing with the goat? And the arm in the mouth? Ugh, I could go on, but I’d rather not. I’m trying to cut back on stuff that’s bad for me :-p

So, there’s my dirty dozen. Agree? Disagree? What are your most-hated horror films of all time? Let me know! And see you again soon 🙂

M.