Tag Archives: movie review

Apr 30 2023

Mel’s 5 Second Review: Smile

Smile (2022)
Sosie Bacon, Kyle Gallner, Jessie T Usher, Robin Weigert, Gillian Zinser, Jack Sochet, Rob Morgan, Caitlin Stasey, and Kal Penn
Directed by: Parker Finn

smile

Have you seen It Follows? Have you seen The Ring? Then you’ve seen Smile.

Rose Cotter is a seemingly workaholic therapist in an emergency mental hospital. Once day she gets a severely disturbed young lady as a patient who tells Rose that something is following her, smiling at her, telling her she’s going to die. Then she kills herself right in front of Rose, while smiling. From that point on, Rose herself becomes convinced that whatever had been following her patient is now following her.

I can’t tell you the amount of times I almost turned this film off. After a long spell of nothing happening. After the 20th jump-scare. But I decided to go through to the end, and while it did slowly get a bit better, I still feel like I wasted my time. Speaking of time, the film was just shy of 2 hours long, but to me, it felt like I was watching it for 6 hours. 30 minutes could have easily been shaved off this thing to make it more palatable. 

SPOILERS INCOMING

My biggest problem with this was probably the acting. Most of it was ok, but the lead was atrocious. And if I’d played a drinking game for every time she licked her lips, I’d have gotten alcohol poisoning. There’s also the famous suspension of disbelief, which already needs to be high for a horror movie, but come on. A string 20 people long of person witnesses suicide-person commits suicide in front of someone-that person commits suicide in front of someone-that person commits… you get my point. And no one noticed? No cops, no doctors, no reporters, no one? I also knew what was going to happen in the end, way before it happened. I had a thought that maybe she was going to defeat it by killing herself while she was alone, but then I thought, nah, this is a “bad guy wins” kinda film. And what do you know, I was right. And as a metaphor for childhood trauma, btw, having the bad guy win just says you can’t ever get over trauma and it’ll destroy you.

So. I didn’t absolutely hate it, but I didn’t really like it either. Which is a shame, cause it had the beginnings of a good idea. I’ll give it a 4.5/10, that little extra going to Kyle Gallner, who I’ve liked in everything I’ve seen him in.

M.

This film is available for rent and purchase on YouTube and Amazon Prime.

Feb 23 2014

Mel’s 5 Second Review: The Possession

The Possession
(2012) Jeffrey Dean Morgan, Kyra Sedgwick, Madison Davenport, Natasha Calis, Grant Show, Jay Brazeau and Ned Bellamy

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Despite it being the kind of story that’s told over and over (and over), this one was really really good. The acting was top notch, the dialogue wasn’t corny or cheezy at all. I have to admit, though, a few times during the film I just thought to myself “Come on, Winchester, just salt and burn that bitch”, hehehe. I guess that’s the downside of playing such a well known character. In a fun little twist, we got treated to a Jewish exorcism instead of the traditional Catholic one, which is to say it was almost the same, just a little funnier (sorry, but it’s true :-p ) All in all, good story, good acting, good visuals, good film. I give it a solid 8.5/10.

This film is currently streaming on Netflix. Enjoy!

 

M.

Feb 22 2014

Mel’s 5 Second Review: Half Light

Half Light
(2005) Demi Moore, Hans Matheson, James Cosmo, Henry Ian Cusick, Kate Isitt and Therese Bradley

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Demi Moore suffers from Keanu-Reeves-syndrome in this film. Meaning, of course, that she wears pretty much the same expression throughout the whole film, whether she’s falling in love, or finding her son’s dead body. The plot is interesting, if a little too convoluted for it’s own good. What’s real? What’s imagined? Are there actual ghosts? Is she insane? Is everyone plotting against her? There’s an answer for everything, but my goodness does it tire you out. In the end, I think there was just too much going on for me to enjoy it completely. It gets an all right 6/10.

This film is currently streaming on Netflix.

 

M.

Feb 21 2014

Mel’s 5 Second Review: The Woman in Black

The Woman in Black
(2012) Daniel Radcliffe, Ciarán Hinds, Janet McTeer, Shaun Dooley, Sophie Stuckey, Mary Stockley and Liz White

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I absolutely loved this film. I thought it was incredibly well done, well acted and very atmospheric. It’s hard to keep a film that has so little dialogue interesting, but I wasn’t bored for a second. I was very pleased to see young Daniel up his game. It’s a demanding sort of role, a lot has to be said with the face and body. They had a few Boo!scares, but not so many that it got annoying (it would be awesome if films stopped using them altogether, but that’s me dreaming in technicolour again). Just as good the second (and third, and forth) time around, I gave it a 10/10.

The film is currently streaming on Netflix. If you haven’t seen, I highly reccomend it. Go, now!! :-p

 

M.

Feb 19 2014

Mel’s 5 Second Review: Les Rivières Pourpres (The Crimson Rivers)

Les Rivières Pourpres
(2000) Jean Reno, Vincent Cassel, Nadia Farès, Dominique Sanda, Karim Belkhadra, Didier Flamand and Jean-Pierre Cassel

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Pretty good French thriller about two detectives who end up working on the same case involving gruesome serial murders, despite both of them starting from very different places. This is the most Americanized French film I’ve ever seen (not that it’s necessarily a bad thing, French films are generally a little too weird for me, so injecting a little mainstream into it made it just right). I have to say though, I speak perfect french, and I had to turn the subtitles on. Not just for the sheer amount of France slang, but, with the exception of Jean Reno, they all seem to have hot potatoes in their mouths. They were the Merry Mumblers. Especially Vincent Cassel. Holy crap. I could just barely make out what he was saying. The end of the film was pretty awesome on the spot, but then, once the film is over and you start thinking about it, there’s just no way. It makes no sense. So I’m choosing not to think about it, and it gets to keep its score of 7/10.

The movie is currently streaming on Netflix in its original french, english subtitles available.

 

M.

Feb 18 2014

Mel’s 5 Second Review: Insidious Chapter 2

Insidious Chapter 2
(2013) Patrick Wilson, Rose Byrne, Steve Coulter, Lin Shaye, Ty Simpkins, Barbara Hershey and Leigh Whannell

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Well, there’s 1h45 that I’m never going to see again. Considering how good (if a little silly near the end) the first one was, I was so disappointed in this sequel. The story was interesting, but is told in such a fashion that it bored me out of my gourd. I was so bored, in fact, that halfway through I took out my phone to play Tiny Death Star. Despite the interesting story, the movie just fails to captivate, and that’s a big no-no, especially for horror films. I should be looking away from the screen because I’m scared, not because I’m bored. 4/10, and that’s probably me being over-generous.

This film is not currently on Netflix. Save yourself some time and money, and don’t bother renting it.

 

M.

Feb 17 2014

Mel’s 5 Second Review: Vamps

Vamps
(2012) Alicia Silverstone, Krysten Ritter, Dan Stevens, Wallace Shawn, Richard Lewis, Malcolm McDowell and Sigourney Weaver

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I went into this expecting Clueless with fangs, and that’s exactly what I got, and so much more. This film is funny, touching and schmoopy. Alicia plays the role to a T, as I knew she would, but really, where does she get the nerve to still look THAT gorgeous?? I was a little surprised by the ending, I wasn’t expecting such a light film to end so tragically, but it didn’t take away from it at all. Clueless was, and still is, one of my very favourite guilty pleasures, and this one will take it’s spot right next to it. A very solid 9/10.

The film isn’t currently on Netflix. But go find somewhere else to rent it, it’s worth every penny. Or you can be cheap and download it. It’s all the same to me :-p

 

M.

Feb 15 2014

Mel’s 5 Second Review: American Mary

American Mary
(2013) Katharine Isabelle, Antonio Cupo, Tristan Risk, David Lovgren and Paula Lindberg

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I wasn’t sure what to expect while going into this film. I’m not a fan of the so-called torture-porn, and while I had heard good things about this film, I didn’t know if it was going to be graphic about the surgeries. Thankfully, it wasn’t too bad at all, which allowed me to enjoy the rest of the film. Katharine Isabelle is wonderful as Mary, who starts out so apple pie, but quickly goes a little mad after being raped by her professor. I was a little disappointed by the ending, which is why it got 8.5 stars instead of the 9 or 9.5 I thought I’d give it. It just felt slapped on and rushed, like the Soska sisters just decided to say “Ok, bored now, wrap this up”. Despite that, it was a very entertaining film. I give it a solid 8.5/10.

The film is currently streaming on Netflix. Have a bloody good time!

 

M.

Feb 13 2014

Mel’s 5 Second Review: The Blair Witch Project

The Blair Witch Project
(1999) Heather Donahue, Michael Williams and Joshua Leonard

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The Blair Witch Project was brilliant in so many ways. It was well thought out, a great idea, well marketed and groundbreaking. That being said, I hated it. I don’t know if I would have liked it more had I seen it not knowing it was fake. I sat there watching, waiting, hoping it would get better, and when it ended with never having done anything, I threw my remaining popcorn at the tv. I’ve seen a a lot of horror films in my day. Like A LOT. And not many of them bored me quite as much as Blair Witch did. We also have this film to thank for the ever-increasing amount of found-footage films being made. So thanks so much!! That was sarcasm, in case you missed it. These films need to stop. No, really, we’ve had enough. 1/10, only for the cool way it was marketed.

I think the film is on Netflix, but I’m not 100% sure. Go check for yourself if you’re interested :-p

M.

Feb 8 2014

Mel’s 5 Second Review: Twixt

Twixt
(2012) Val Kilmer, Elle Fanning, Bruce Dern, Ben Chaplin, David Paymer, Alden Ehrenreich and Anthony Fusco

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Rather strange little film about a writer who uses his dreams to help him tell the tale of a murdered girl. I didn’t love it, but I didn’t not like it, either. It was beautiful to look at, that’s for sure, the dream sequences were absolutely surreal. But in the end, it suffered from being just a little too self indulgent which made it lag quite severely a few times during the film. 6/10, with maybe an extra .5 going to Val’s hair :-p

The film is currently streaming on Netflix. Enjoy! 🙂

 

M.