Mel’s 5 Second Audiobook Review: Treasury of Egyptian Mythology

Treasury of Egyptian Mythology (2013)
Written by: Donna Jo Napoli
Read by: Christina Moore

Treasury

(Questions from Audible’s reviews form)

What other book might you compare Treasury of Egyptian Mythology to and why?
I’ve actually never read any other book about Egyptian myths, believe it or not, I’ve only watched stuff on tv, so I don’t really have anything to compare it to.

Which scene was your favorite?
I really couldn’t pick just one, I loved the whole book! But if I absolutely had to pick, it would likely be the story of Osiris, Isis and Set. Horrible and wonderful at the same time!

Did you have an extreme reaction to this book? Did it make you laugh or cry?
Made me laugh a time or two, but nothing really extreme.

Any additional comments?
This book was so good! The only thing bad I’d have to say was that it was nowhere near long enough! It was only 3.5 hours, barely enough to whet my appetite. Unfortunately there doesn’t seem to be a whole lot of books quite like this one on Audible. What a shame. So even though it’s only 3.5 hours long, I still give it a 10/10. Wonderful!

M.

Mel’s 5 Second Review: Annabelle

Annabelle
(2014) Annabelle Wallis, Ward Horton, Alfre Woodard, Tony Amendola, Eric Ladin, Joseph Bishara

Annabelle film still

Ah, what a sad disappointment this was. Especially since The Conjuring was so good. The doll was massively creepy in that film, but only ugly in this one. Most of the actors were alright, but Annabelle Wallis was downright difficult to watch sometimes, emotionless save for a look on her face that looks like she’s desperately trying to remember her lines. The story was so generic that it almost hurt, and far from being creepy, that demon was just funny. The film had a few good, tense scenes, but on the whole, was mostly a yawn-fest. And it gets an equally dull score from me, a very meh 5/10. Avoid unless you really have a hard on for possessed dolls.

This film is not currently playing on Netflix.

M.

Mel’s 5 Second Review – Thor: The Dark World

Thor: The Dark World
(2013) Chris Hemsworth, Natalie Portman, Tom Hiddleston, Christopher Eccleston, Kat Dennings, Stellan Skarsgård, Anthony Hopkins, Jaimie Alexander, Idris Elba, Rene Russo

thor-the-dark-world

I hadn’t really wanted to see this film. Save a few exceptions, superhero sequels are notoriously bad, so I’ve skipped most of them in the recent past. But my sister and I are having a bit of a moviefest, and since I chose 2 in a row, I let her choose this one, and this is what she wanted. I didn’t want to, but begrudgingly accepted to put it on anyways. It was, in fact, a pretty good film. All the humour of the franchise is in there, and we laughed out loud a few times. Loki was delicious, as always, and even made me cry, the fucker. If there be one thing to say of the film, it’s that it was a smidge over-long, but aren’t they all? The end credits blurb informed that there will likely be many more movies, which will probably end up on my already too-long watch list. All in all, it did exactly what a superhero film is supposed to do, it amused and entertained me, and for that it gets a very good 8.5/10.

This film is currently streaming on Netflix. Enjoy!

M.

Mel’s 5 Second Review: The Last Exorcism Part 2

The Last Exorcism Part 2
(2014) Ashley Bell, Julia Garner, Spencer Treat Clark, Tarra Riggs, Muse Watson, David Jensen, Louis Herthum, Erica Michelle, E Roger Mitchell

the-last-exorcism-part-2

So, I find myself not really having anything to say about this film. It wasn’t bad, but wasn’t great either. It picks up where the first one left off, with Nell escaping the woods and ending up in a hospital, then a troubled women’s home. A few months later, wouldn’t you know it, strange things start happening again. It’s different that the first one in the way that there isn’t really much possession going on, it’s more about the beast trying to get back in. The acting was decent, the writing decent, the locale decent, this film is all together decent, and ultimately forgettable. Despite it’s decentness, I can’t really recommend this film. It was just too… bland. And so it gets a bland score from me, 6/10.

I’m not sure if this film is on Netflix yet, I taped it off of TMN. If you’re interested enough to check it out, have at it.

 

M.

Review Club #2 – Beyond Clueless

beyond-clueless

Welcome back to Review Club!

 

First up, we have the lovely Abbi, from abbiosbiston:

Writer/Director Charlie Lyne explores modern morality through the medium of the teen movies of the last thirty to forty years with a particular focus on the high school experience. Lyne divides his film into five chapters dissecting different elements of the journey through the teen years looking at everything from burgeoning sexuality to the ultimate transition into adulthood. This is mostly done by introducing a concept and then flashing through a series of illustrative scenes from various teen movies (and sometimes not teen movies??) While Lyne is definitely onto an interesting concept in the idea that we develop many of our expectations for life as well as our moral tenets from the movies, particularly during our formative years I can’t help but wonder if he’s reading too much into films like Idle Hands. And as he is the only voice in the film (not literally) it’s hard to get away from the feeling that you’re being treated to some kid’s film studies university thesis, which could have benefitted from some other expert opinions. I also wonder about some of the films he’s left out, Carrie being the most obvious (you know… and more than a passing nod to Clueless). If you’re a teen movie fan it’s interesting to see some favourites dissected, but there’s nothing groundbreaking here. 2.5/5

 

Up next, the always funny Eric, from The IPC:

BEYOND CLUELESS 2014

When this movie first started, during the first fifteen minutes or so, I kept thinking to myself, what the fuck have I gotten myself in to??? I’m a grown man who can make my own decisions and don’t have to subject myself to this. But then I remembered I was doing this for Melanie because I really like her so I pressed on. The first fifteen minutes of this consist of Fairuza Balk doing voice-over, over-thinking and over – analyzing high school movies such as The Craft (which she’s in), Disturbing Behavior, Mean Girls and Slap Her – She’s French. There’s not much that irritates me more than when people over think things and read too much into shit, so I wasn’t having a good time.

But then, when I was about to lose all hope – at the twenty minute mark to be precise – I witnessed one of the coolest montages I have ever seen. This movie is about high school movies so they get into a lot of them, but this particular set of images really impressed me. It’s people partying and dancing and slo-mo and it was just kind of incredible. I would advise watching it just for that alone – but I’m a huge fan of the montage.

And then they do it again a little bit later with a bunch of people fighting. And they close the movie with another incredible selection of shots of people jacking off and getting an orgasm (but I am also a big fan of the orgasm).

preponO

Anyway – in the end I liked this movie. There’s some bullshit over analyzing throughout but I think the overall product is worth a watch.

4 out 5 Prepons Orgasming

 

And finally, my turn:

Mel’s 5 Second Review: Beyond Clueless

Narrated by: Fairuza Balk

beyond_clueless

So, this movie. I wish I could say I loved it, and it was a wonderful insight into the world of teen films, but I’d be lying. It wasn’t bad, but it definitely wasn’t great. And spoilerific, my goodness. It’s a good thing that I’d already seen most of the films showcased, otherwise I might have been upset (spoilers are one of my biggest pet-peeves). The narration, while mostly interesting, was rather lacklustre, with Balk sounding mostly bored as she droned on. And, as Eric and Abbi both noted, some of the films were bullshittingly over-analyzed, especially Idle Hands. I watched that segment with an incredulous “are you fucking serious??” look on my face. The director/writer Charlie Lyne also seems to be obsessed with finding the “hidden homoeroticism” in films, going into depth about it, most notably in the segments on Jeepers Creepers (which isn’t really a teen film to begin with, they’re young adults in University, but that’s besides the point), and EuroTrip. And as much as I would like to imagine Justin Long getting it on with a dude, he’s obviously not gay, his sister remarking on his ability to score using his tummy tattoo as bait (“hey baby, wanna see my tattoo?” “why yes I do, Justin, yes I do”). And if Lyne sees eroticism, homo or otherwise, in that horrifying scene with the bodies hanging everywhere, I think he has bigger things than teen films to worry about. Also, the film is called Beyond Clueless. I would have loved to see a segment that was actually about Clueless. We’re treated to a few sporadic scenes, but nothing else. Actually, they glazed over a lot of teen films that I liked, I think most of the films in my Top 15 Teen Films article were either not there at all, or not discussed. Most notably missing were the John Hughes films. The only mention of The Breakfast Club we get is seeing it on a cinema billboard in a clip from another teen film. Kinda disappointing. So, all in all, decent, but nothing to write home about. It gets a 6/10 from me.

M.

 

And that’s it for this time! Come back in 2 weeks for more!! 🙂

Mel’s 5 Second Review: The Strangler

The Strangler
(1964) Victor Buono, David McLean, Diane Sayer, Davey Davison, Baynes Barron, Ellen Corby, Michael Ryan, Russ Bender, Jeanne Bates, Mimi Dillard

The Strangler

I’d never even heard of this little film before seeing it pass on TCM, a channel that plays non-stop old timey movies. The blurb was interesting, so I decided to give it a go. The film was made in the time of the Boston Strangler, and the film makers decided to make a picture about what he might be like. They even spoke to detectives and psychiatrists to get an authentic character. And with all the true crime stuff that I watch, I can concur that they did a good, creepy job. Victor Buono does a very good job, as does the actress who played his over-bearing and controlling mother. The acting over all was quite good, better than a lot of old timey movies in the genre, and I was pleasantly surprised. The only thing I had to roll my eyes at was the 2 second strangulations. It takes a good 2 or 3 minutes of constant pressure to strangle a person, because even when they go limp, if you let go, they’ll keep breathing. Which is why strangulation cases are so awful, cause you know they held on for that long. Ick. Other than that it was very well done, and the film gets a good 7.5/10 from me.

This film is not currently streaming on Netflix. There is a full version on YouTube, but the colloration is weird.

M.

Review Club #1 – Stake Land

Allo all my netizen friends! Welcome to the first edition of Review Club, and hopefully not the last! No ado needed, lets get right to it.

 

Stake_Land

Starring: Connor Paolo, Nick Damici, Kelly McGillis, Danielle Harris, Sean Nelson, Michael Cerveris, Bonnie Dennison

 

First up, the ever entertaining Eric, from The IPC.

STAKE LAND (2010)

The rendering of this review for Film Club kind of comes with some explanation. When I watched this, I absolutely hated every single piece of noise that came out of all of the character’s mouths. I hated the growly lead’s voice-noise, I hated the kid’s voice-over voice-noise, I hated the growling-noise that came from the vampires and I hated the main villain’s voice-noise. I hated it so much I wanted to start punching those noises. But I couldn’t because that would be insane, right? But, if I stop being an asshole and get over myself, I really enjoyed the scenery and the sets and the gore and my forever girlfriend Danielle Harris so I had to break out my Scales of Ma’at.

MAATSCALES

In one scale I placed a blackened heart, pulled from the body of a Canadian man who had tried to barter sex with my horse for four of his pulled, rotten teeth; this represented my hatred for the noises I heard. On the other scale I placed the feather of hawk who had just eaten one of my neighbor’s fucking incessantly barking chihuahuas; this represented Relief and Pleasure; symbolic of the visuals of the movie. I then waited patiently for the balance to measure and, when the sands had settled, I looked up my scales with this face:

neutral

Somehow the weight was divined evenly and I can give this a:

3 Canadian Celsius out of 5

P.S. This movie is about some apocalypse survivors trying to make their way to Canada while avoiding being devoured by vampires. Thus the Canadian references.

 

And now, my turn. Hopefully this will catch on more with time, hehe.

Mel’s 5 Second Review: Stake Land

 

Stake Land

This film fell into my “blind spot” almost as soon as it came out. I’ve been wanting to see it for years, but I never got around to it. And so when it was picked for my very first Review Club post, I kinda had no choice. And boy do I feel like a weenie now. I really liked it, more than I thought I would. It’s pretty slow, so for people who like all-action-all-the-time kinda films, I’d advise against seeing it, but I thought it was great. I’ve never really been a fan of the animalistic vamp (I like my vamps sexy and sophisticated), but they do a good job of it here. The acting was all pretty good, the only one who faltered here and there was Danielle Harris. She may be pretty, but she’s not a very good actress, which is likely why she’s never made it outside indie horror (sorry Eric :-p ). There was plenty of gore, but not so much so that it just became a bloodbath with little else. They also put a couple of truly horrifying scenes in there (one at the very beginning, one close to the end) that I was pretty surprised they had the balls to include. All in all, it was quite good, and get a score of 8/10 from me.

This film is currently streaming on Netflix. Enjoy!

 

And that’s it! Join us next week for Beyond Clueless!

Mel’s 5 Second Review: Solstice

Solstice
(2008) Elisabeth Harnois, Shawn Ashmore, Amanda Seyfried, Hilarie Burton, Matt O’Leary, Tyler Hoechlin, R Lee Ermey, Jenna Hildebrand

solstice

SPOILERS AHEAD

Sigh… so it was the boyfriend. Just as I figured it would be from the beginning. They really need to move away from this cliché. It’s worn out its welcome. Years ago, it would have been the creepy old guy, but that’s changed too. Now the creepy old guy is invariably a nice guy who just had something awful happen to him to explain his weird behaviour. Case in point, this weird guy had a grand daughter go missing. Besides the warily predictable plot, the film isn’t bad. The acting is generally pretty good, the cast is pretty, and the location is beautiful. Although if I have to see Amanda Seyfried silently over-enunciate a word again I might have to punch her. Seriously, she did it no less than 6 times, “ohhkaayy”, “thaaank youu”, “reaaally?”. If I had a friend who constantly did that, we’d be having a few words :-p On the whole it wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t great either. It gets a decent 6.5/10 from me.

This film is currently streaming on Netflix UK.

M.

Mel’s 5 Second Audiobook Review: The Martian

The Martian
Written by: Andy Weir
Read by: RC Bray

The-Martian

“If the Oxygenator breaks down, I’ll suffocate. If the Water Reclaimer breaks down, I’ll die of thirst. If the Hab breaches, I’ll just kind of explode. If none of those things happen, I’ll eventually run out of food and starve to death. So yeah. I’m fucked.”

(Questions from Audible’s reviews form)

Would you listen to The Martian again? Why?
I probably wouldn’t, but that doesn’t mean anything. It’s very, very rare that I’ll ever re-read a book. It’s happened only a small handful of times in my adult life. I have so much in my to-read list that I don’t spend time re-reading books, no matter how awesome they were (and this one was awesome).

Who was your favorite character and why?
Definitely the main character, Mark Watney. Along with the obvious heroic stuff, he’s got a killer sense of humour that just brings the character to a whole other level. Venket Kapour, a NASA administrator, is also a wonderful character.

What about RC Bray’s performance did you like?
Everything! He’s an awesome reader! Every character has his own unique voice and accent, even the women, without sounding silly. His voice is pretty much perfect. He was born to read audiobooks.

Did you have an extreme reaction to this book? Did it make you laugh or cry?
I laughed out loud a good few times. I never cried, but I did get really tense a few times. Near the end, I actually had trouble sitting still while listening!

Any additional comments?
This is a practically perfect sci-fi story. And it’s not so out there that I couldn’t picture something like this actually happening. It’s futuristic, but not very far into the future. 50, 100 years, tops. The writing was simple, but very good, and all the characters were engaging. I’d recommend it to anyone even remotely interested in sci-fi. It gets a perfect score from me, 10/10.

Mel’s 5 Second Audiobook Review: The World’s Most Bizarre Murders, True Stories That Will Shock and Amaze You

The World’s Most Bizarre Murders: True Stories That Will Shock and Amaze You
Written by: James Marrison
Read by: Drew Campbell

bizarre murders

(Questions from Audible’s reviews page)

Would you recommend this audiobook to a friend? If so, why?
I’d recommend it to anyone who likes true crime stuff, with a cautionary word about the reader. I was able to get used to his voice, but it is rather strange.

What was one of the most memorable moments of The World’s Most Bizarre Murders?
It wasn’t a fiction book, so it’s really hard to answer this question. Audible should differentiate the questions for fiction and non-fiction, really :-p

Have you listened to any of Drew Campbell’s other performances before? How does this one compare?
This was the first book I bought of his, and it’ll probably be the last (save the one I already bought, I got two at once). It’s not as horrible as some other reviewers have said, but it is weird. His accent is very weird, like it’s not real or something. That’s really all that’s wrong, though. He does a good job with the reading part.

Any additional comments?
All in all, it was a pretty great book. A few cases I already knew, but mostly stuff that I haven’t, which is getting rarer and rarer with all the true crime stuff I read about and watch on TV. It gets a very good 8/10 from me.

M.