My Top 30 Films of the 80s

These were incredibly hard to rank, harder than any other decade, because this is the decade that I grew up in and started to mold my mind into what kind of media I’d like for the rest of my life. I saw most of these films before I was 10 years old (yes, I was probably too young for some of them), and they’re imprinted permanently into my brain. It was very hard to keep the list to 30 (not as hard as it was in the upcoming 90s list, but still). So here they are, my top 30 movies of the 80s!

Number 30

Title: Weird Science
Year: 1985
Plot: Two high-school nerds use a computer program to literally create the perfect woman, who promptly turns their lives upside-down.
Starring: Ilan Mitchell-Smith, Anthony Michael Hall, Kelly LeBrock, Suzanne Snyder, Judie Aronson, Bill Paxton, Robert Downey Jr
Directed by: John Hughes
Based on: The comic book Weird Science #5: Made of the Future by Al Feldstein
Notes: Yes, it’s got some problematic things in it, but this film is so much fun! A classic teen movie (made way before I was a teen) that just makes me laugh. Plus, it’s fun to see Bill Paxton (rip) and Robert Downey Jr in early roles.

Number 29

Title: The Secret of NIMH
Year: 1982
Plot: To save her ill son, a field mouse must seek the aid of a colony of rats, with whom she has a deeper link than she suspected.
Starring: Elizabeth Hartman, Derek Jacobi, Dom DeLuise, Peter Strauss, Arthur Malet, Hermione Baddeley, Shannen Doherty, Wil Wheaton, John Carradine, Paul Shenar
Directed by: Don Bluth
Based on: The book Mrs Frisby and the Rats of NIMH by Robert C O’Brien
Notes: One of my absolute favourites growing up. I kept on wanting it higher on the list, but there are simply too many amazing movies from this decade! Also, I had no idea that Shannen Doherty (rip) and Wil Wheaton were the voices of two of the Brisby kids!

Number 28

Title: Ghostbusters
Year: 1984
Plot: Armed with proton packs, four paranormal investigators battle mischievous ghouls in New York.
Starring: Bill Murray, Dan Aykroyd, Harold Ramis, Ernie Hudson, Sigourney Weaver, Annie Potts, Rick Moranis, William Atherton, Slavitza Jovan
Directed by: Ivan Reitman
Based on: An original screenplay written by Dan Aykroyd and Harold Ramis
Notes: What can I say about this film? It’s an absolute classic! It never fails to make me laugh.

Number 27

Title: Silver Bullet
Year: 1985
Plot: In a small town, brutal killings start to plague the close-knit community. Marty Coslaw, a paraplegic boy, is convinced the murders are the doings of a werewolf.
Starring: Corey Haim, Gary Busey, Everett McGill, Megan Follows, Robin Groves, Leon Russom, Terry O’Quinn, Bill Smitrovich
Directed by: Daniel Attias
Based on: The novella Cycle of the Werewolf by Stephen King
Notes: Corey Haim (rip) was one of the first actors that I remember really having a crush on when I was a kid after seeing him in The Lost Boys and Watchers. He’s much younger in this film, but still adorable. The film itself is fun, and the werewolf effects were pretty good for the time. I miss practical effects…

Number 26

Title: The Serpent and the Rainbow
Year: 1988
Plot: An anthropologist goes to Haiti to research a drug that makes someone appear dead by suspending all vital signs.
Starring: Bill Pullman, Cathy Tyson, Zakes Mokae, Paul Winfield, Michael Gough, Brent Jennings, Conrad Roberts, Badja Djola
Directed by: Wes Craven
Based on: The non-fiction book The Serpent and the Rainbow by Wade Davis
Notes: The author famously hated the film, and it faced some serious backlash for its fictionalized portrayal of Haitian Vodou and the Haitians in general. But, and I may be wrong here, it’s a fictional movie. It never pretends to be a true story. I loved this film, I thought it was a very neat and different angle to the zombie story.

Number 25

Title: Warlock
Year: 1989
Plot: A warlock flees from the 17th to the 20th century, with a witch-hunter in hot pursuit.
Starring: Julian Sands, Richard E Grant, Lori Singer, Mary Woronov, Kevin O’Brien
Directed by: Steve Miner
Based on: An original screenplay written by David Twohy
Notes: This film is so good. The film takes its subject matter seriously, even though the premise is kind of silly. Wonderfully campy and acted better than most movies in its genre, it’s definitely a gem of the 80’s. And Julian Sands (rip), my goodness. One of my very first crushes on a grownup. I can still picture tween me watching this with hearts in my eyes, hehe.

Number 24

Title: Pet Sematary
Year: 1989
Plot: After tragedy strikes, a grieving father discovers an ancient burial ground behind his home with the power to raise the dead.
Starring: Dale Midkiff, Denise Crosby, Fred Gwynne, Brad Greenquist, Miko Hughes, Michael Lombard, Blaze Berdahl
Directed by: Mary Lambert
Based on: The book Pet Sematary by Stephen King
Notes: Pet Sematary is one of my favourite Stephen King books, and this happens to be a great adaptation. Sure, they changed some things, but on the whole, they did an awesome job. It’s sure to give you goosebumps!

Number 23

Title: Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
Year: 1989
Plot: In 1938, after his father goes missing while pursuing the Holy Grail, Indiana Jones finds himself up against the Nazis again to stop them from obtaining its powers.
Starring: Harrison Ford, Sean Connery, Alison Doody, Denholm Elliott, John Rhys-Davies, Julian Glover, River Phoenix
Directed by: Steven Spielberg
Based on: An original screenplay written by Jeffrey Boam
Notes: The best of the three Indiana Jones films, this is the only one that I still rewatch from time to time. Fun and sometimes tense, this is a wonderful conclusion to the story. (Yes, I’m fully aware there’s more, I just don’t acknowledge them). The addition of Sean Connery (rip) as Indy’s dad is wonderful. They really seem like a father and son.

Number 22

Title: Rock & Rule
Year: 1983
Plot: A malevolent rock star kidnaps a singer to force her to participate in the summoning of a demon, and her band must help her stop him.
Starring: Don Francks, Susan Roman, Paul Le Mat, Dan Hennessey, Greg Duffell, Chris Wiggins, Brent Titcomb, Catherine Gallant, Catherine O’Hara
Directed by: Clive A Smith
Based on: Loosely based on the short story The Devil and Daniel Webster by Stephen Vincent Benét
Notes: I don’t remember how I came to see this film. I know we didn’t own the vhs. Maybe taped off of late night tv? In any case, this little, mostly forgotten Canadian film is, in my opinion, the very best in the genre. Forget the much over-rated Heavy Metal, this adult cartoon is where it’s at. Awesome animation, kick ass soundtrack, and great story, this is a must-see for anyone who likes adult animation.

Number 21

Title: From Beyond
Year: 1986
Plot: A group of scientists have developed the Resonator, a machine which allows whoever is within range to see beyond normal perceptible reality. But when the experiment succeeds, they are immediately attacked by terrible life forms.
Starring: Jeffrey Combs, Barbara Crampton, Ken Foree, Ted Sorel, Carolyn Purdy-Gordon
Directed by: Stuart Gordon
Based on: The short story From Beyond by HP Lovecraft
Notes: I tend to love adaptations of Lovecraft’s works even when they aren’t that good. This one is great, with a wonderful lead performance by Jeffrey Combs (the go-to actor for Lovecraft adaptations). The practical effects are stunning and hold up well, even today.

Number 20

Title: Beetlejuice
Year: 1988
Plot: The spirits of a deceased couple are harassed by an unbearable family that has moved into their home, and hire a malicious spirit to drive them out.
Starring: Alec Baldwin, Geena Davis, Michael Keaton, Winona Ryder, Catherine O’Hara, Jeffrey Jones, Glenn Shadix
Directed by: Tim Burton
Based on: An original screenplay written by Michael McDowell and Larry Wilson
Notes: Back when Tim Burton was still at the top of his game. So much fun, completely off the wall bonkers, and I love every second of it. It’s wickedly funny with awesome practical effects, it’s been one of my favourites since I was a kid.

Number 19

Title: Return to Oz
Year: 1985
Plot: Dorothy Gale (who’s somehow much younger now), saved from a psychiatric experiment by a mysterious girl, is somehow called back to Oz when a vain witch and the Nome King destroy everything that makes the magical land beautiful.
Starring: Fairuza Balk, Nicol Williamson, Jean Marsh, Piper Laurie, Sean Barrett, Denise Bryer, Brian Henson, Lyle Conway, Justin Case, John Alexander, Deep Roy, Emma Ridley, Tansy the Dog
Directed by: Walter Murch
Based on: The books Ozma of Oz and The Land of Oz by L Frank Baum
Notes: It’s not often a sequel is better than the first film, but this one definitely is. It’s crazy on so many levels, and shit-your-pants terrifying in others, they simply don’t make them like this anymore. What a shame.

Number 18

Title: Amadeus
Year: 1984
Plot: The life, music, and death of musical prodigy Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart.
Starring: Tom Hulce, F Murray Abraham, Elizabeth Berridge, Roy Dotrice, Simon Callow, Christine Ebersole, Jeffrey Jones, Charles Kay
Directed by: Milos Forman
Based on: The play Amadeus written by Peter Shaffer, also based on a true story… more or less
Notes: I knew going into it that it wasn’t historically accurate. And do I care? Not a lick. I know a biopic is supposed to tell a true story, and I’m sorry that people might think that this is the way things actually went down, but I’ll be damned if I don’t just love this film to pieces. Fart jokes and all.

Number 17

Title: Moonstruck
Year: 1987
Plot: Loretta Castorini, a bookkeeper from Brooklyn, finds herself in a difficult situation when she falls for the brother of the man she has agreed to marry.
Starring: Cher, Nicolas Cage, Olympia Dukakis, Vincent Gardenia, Danny Aiello, John Mahoney
Directed by: Norman Jewison
Based on: An original screenplay written by John Patrick Shanley
Notes: I absolutely love this film. Cher is wonderful (and disgustingly beautiful) as Loretta, and her chemistry with Nicolas Cage’s Ronnie is electric. This is one of my very favourite chick flicks.

Number 16

Title: The Neverending Story
Year: 1984
Plot: Troubled Bastian “borrows” a book from a bookstore and dives into the world of Fantasia where a dark Nothing is destroying everything. The only one who can save the day is young warrior Atreyu.
Starring: Noah Hathaway, Barret Oliver, Alan Oppenheimer, Tami Stronach, Sydney Bromley, Patricia Hayes, Deep Roy, Tilo Prückner, Moses Gunn, Thomas Hill, Gerald McRaney, Alma the Horse
Directed by: Wolfgang Petersen
Based on: The book Die Unendliche Geschichte by Michael Ende
Notes: This was one of my favourites as a kid, and it’s still now. I’m surprised it’s not higher on my list because I literally wore the vhs out, but that just goes to show how awesome 80s films were. Despite some of the acting being rather shaky (especially the Child-like Empress, yikes), this film is simply marvelous. Fantasia is beautiful, most of the practical effects are cool, and while it’s quite different from the book, the story is still amazing, even today. Noah Hathaway as Atreyu was my very first movie crush, and remained so until I passed the character in age, about 7 years later.

Number 15

Title: Ladyhawke
Year: 1985
Plot: An evil Bishop curses a woman and her lover when she rejects him. With the help of a sly thief, they will travel back to the Bishop and try break the curse.
Starring: Matthew Broderick, Rutger Hauer, Michelle Pfeiffer, Leo McKern, John Wood, Ken Hutchison, Giancarlo Prete, Alfred Molina
Directed by: Richard Donner
Based on: An original screenplay written by Edward Khmara, Michael de Guzman, Tom Mankiewicz, and David Peoples
Notes: Such a beautiful film. Nauseatingly romantic, this film has a bit for everyone. Schmoop, laughter, action, and drama, this is simply a wonderful, wonderful film.

Number 14

Title: The Great Mouse Detective
Year: 1986
Plot: Detective Basil of Baker Street investigates the kidnapping of a toy maker and uncovers its link to his archenemy, Professor Ratigan.
Starring: Barrie Ingham, Vincent Price, Val Bettin, Susanne Pollatschek, Candy Candido, Alan Young, Diana Chesney
Directed by: Ron Clements, Burny Mattinson, Dave Michener, John Musker
Based on: The book series Basil of Baker Street by Eve Titus
Notes: One of my very favourite Disney films, surpassed only by one, which is later in the list. I absolutely love this little mousey version of Sherlock Holmes, and Vincent Price (rip) as the villain? Of course he is. No one could have done it better.

Number 13

Title: A Nightmare on Elm Street
Year: 1984
Plot: In the dreams of his victims, a spectral child murderer stalks the children of the members of the lynch mob that killed him.
Starring: Heather Langenkamp, Robert Englund, Johnny Depp, Amanda Wyss, Nick Corri, Charles Fleischer, John Saxon, Ronee Blakley
Directed by: Wes Craven
Based on: An original screenplay written by Wes Craven, although he was heavily inspired by real-life news reports of refugees dying in their sleep from extreme nightmares, often referred to as Sudden Unexpected Nocturnal Death Syndrome.
Notes: This was the very first horror movie I ever saw, which means I was just a wee thing (only 3 or 4 years old) when I partially saw it from where I was hiding while my cousins, who thought I was in bed, were watching. And it’s stuck with me ever since, still one of my favourites, even with the sometimes laughable acting and effects. When a movie is this good, lots of stuff can be over-looked!

Number 12

Title: Poltergeist
Year: 1982
Plot: A young family are visited by ghosts in their home. At first the ghosts appear friendly, moving objects around the house to the amusement of everyone, then they turn nasty and start to terrorize the family before they kidnap the youngest daughter.
Starring: Craig T Nelson, JoBeth Williams, Beatrice Straight, Heather O’Rourke, Dominique Dunne, Oliver Robins, Martin Casella, Zelda Rubinstein
Directed by: Tobe Hooper
Based on: An original screenplay written by Steven Spielberg, Michael Grais, and Mark Victor, although they were heavily inspired by the supposed true haunting of the Hermann family in Long Island, in 1958.
Notes: An absolute classic of the genre, it’s still one of the very best haunted house films ever made, even 44 years later. Also, I hate clowns, even toy ones *shudder*

Number 11

Title: The Princess Bride
Year: 1987
Plot: While home sick in bed, a young boy’s grandfather reads him a story called The Princess Bride, about a young woman, believing her true love to be dead, who settles with marrying a wicked prince. When her love turns out to be alive, he sets about rescuing her from the prince’s clutches.
Starring: Cary Elwes, Mandy Patinkin, Robin Wright, Chris Sarandon, André the Giant, Christopher Guest, Wallace Shawn, Peter Falk, Fred Savage, Peter Cook, Mel Smith, Billy Crystal, Carol Kane
Directed by: Rob Reiner
Based on: The book The Princess Bride by William Goldman
Notes: This film is both schmoopy and full of adventures, perfect for kids and adults alike. And one more thing: Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

Number 10

Title: The Goonies
Year: 1985
Plot: After finding out that his family will loose their home to an unscrupulous developer who’s buying up the neighbourhood to tear everything down and build a golf course, a teen and his friends make a pact to find a hidden treasure of legend in a local cave.
Starring: Sean Astin, Josh Brolin, Corey Feldman, Jeff Cohen, Kerri Green, Martha Plimpton, Ke Huy Quan, John Matuszak, Robert Davi, Joe Pantoliano, Anne Ramsey
Directed by: Richard Donner
Based on: An original screenplay written by Chris Columbus, based on a story by Steven Spielberg
Notes: I can’t count the number of times I watched this as a kid. It’s so much fun with lots to appeal to both kids and adults. Adventure, danger, traps, and even a little romance.

Number 9

Title: Near Dark
Year: 1987
Plot: After being bit by a beautiful vampire, a young man is given an ultimatum by her family: make a kill within a week, or die. When he realizes he can’t kill, he and the girl run off, with her family in hot pursuit.
Starring: Adrian Pasdar, Jenny Wright, Lance Henriksen, Bill Paxton, Jenette Goldstein, Joshua John Miller, Tom Thomerson
Directed by: Kathryn Bigelow
Based on: An original screenplay written by Kathryn Bigelow and Eric Red
Notes: The other vampire film that came out in 1987, this one is decidedly more adult, and was criminally overlooked. I saw this for the first time as a teenager, and it had everything a teenage girl could possibly want. Romance, eye candy, and lots and lots of blood. Oh yeah!

Number 8

Title: Willow
Year: 1988
Plot: A reluctant dwarf must play a critical role in protecting a special baby from an evil queen.
Starring: Warwick Davis, Val Kilmer, Joanne Whalley, Jean Marsh, Patricia Hayes, Billy Barty, Kevin Pollak, Rick Overton, Pat Roach, Gavan O’Herlihy, David Steinberg, Phil Fondacaro
Directed by: Ron Howard
Based on: An original screenplay by Bob Dolman, based on a story by George Lucas
Notes: Such a wonderful, beautiful story. Good acting and surprisingly good effects for its time, it still holds up very well today. Plus, Val Kilmer (rip) is smokin’ hot as Madmartigan, who was one of my very first adult crushes.

Number 7

Title: Aliens
Year: 1986
Plot: Decades after surviving the Nostromo incident, Ellen Ripley is sent out to re-establish contact with a terraforming colony but finds herself battling the Alien Queen and her offspring.
Starring: Sigourney Weaver, Michael Biehn, Carrie Henn, Lance Henriksen, Bill Paxton, Paul Reiser, Jenette Goldstein, William Hope, Al Matthews
Directed by: James Cameron
Based on: An original screenplay written by James Cameron, although he acknowledged inspiration from Robert A Heinlein’s novel Starship Troopers
Notes: Simply the best space/alien movie ever, full stop. I saw this (probably way too young) on tv when I was about 8 or 9 and have loved it since then. Action packed and tense, with killer effects, this film rocks!

Number 6

Title: The Black Cauldron
Year: 1985
Plot: A young boy and a group of misfit friends embark on a quest to find a dark magic item of ultimate power before a diabolical tyrant can.
Starring: Grant Bardsley, Susan Sheridan, Freddie Jones, Nigel Hawthorne, John Byner, Arthur Malet, Phil Fondacaro, John Hurt
Directed by: Ted Berman, Richard Rich
Based on: The first two books in The Chronicles of Prydain series by Lloyd Alexander, titled The Book of Three and The Black Cauldron
Notes: This is my favourite Disney movie, and probably their darkest. It didn’t do well upon release, so that put an end to “dark Disney”, which was a real shame for weirdo kids like me.

Number 5

Title: The Dark Crystal
Year: 1982
Plot: On another planet in the distant past, a Gelfling embarks on a quest to find the missing shard of a magical crystal, and so restore order to his world.
Starring: Stephen Garlick, Lisa Maxwell, Percy Edwards, Billie Whitelaw, Barry Dennen, Jerry Nelson, Joseph O’Conor
Directed by: Jim Henson, Frank Oz
Based on: An original screenplay written by David Odell, based on a story created by Jim Henson and Frank Oz
Notes: So many of the films I loved as a child are like this one, “too weird and scary” for today’s wimpy children. I’m not sure what the people who made children’s movies were on in the 80s, but I want some. This film is both heartwarming and tense, with simply stunning puppetry and locations.

Number 4

Title: Fright Night
Year: 1985
Plot: A teen becomes suspicious of his new neighbour when bodies of young women are found dumped in trash bags. He soon realizes the suave, handsome man is an evil vampire, and he tries to enlist the help of a tv vampire slayer to stop him.
Starring: Chris Sarandon, William Ragsdale, Amanda Bearse, Roddy McDowall, Stephen Geoffreys, Jonathan Stark, Dorothy Fielding, Art Evans
Directed by: Tom Holland
Based on: An original screenplay written by Tom Holland
Notes: One of the original great horror-comedies, this film is fun, campy, and scary. The actors are perfect in their roles, especially Chris Sarandon as the evil yet seductive Jerry Dandridge. The remake, while nowhere near as good as this one, is still worth a gander.

Number 3

Title: Legend
Year: 1985
Plot: A young man must stop the Lord of Darkness from both destroying daylight and marrying the woman he loves.
Starring: Tom Cruise, Mia Sara, Tim Curry, David Bennent, Annabelle Lanyon, Alice Playten, Billy Barty, Cork Hubbert, Robert Picardo
Directed by: Ridley Scott
Based on: An original screenplay written by William Hjortsberg, although he was heavily inspired by classic fairy tales and Celtic art, particularly the book Faeries by Brian Froud and Alan Lee.
Notes: I’m not sure if the creators of this film intended it to be a kids film or an adults, but I know I saw it as a kid (of course I did). This film, effects-wise, was so far ahead of its time that it would be impressive even if it came out today. And Tim Curry is deliciously evil as Darkness (although I heard that he hated the makeup process, those horns weighed a ton!)

Number 2

Title: Labyrinth
Year: 1986
Plot: Fifteen-year-old Sarah accidentally wishes her baby half-brother, Toby, away to the Goblin King Jareth, who will keep him if Sarah does not complete his Labyrinth in thirteen hours.
Starring: Jennifer Connelly, David Bowie, Brian Henson, Ron Mueck, Dave Goelz, David Shaughnessy, Michael Hordern, Denise Bryer, David Healy, Robert Beatty, Toby Froud
Directed by: Jim Henson
Based on: An original screenplay written by Terry Jones, based on a story by Jim Henson and Brian Froud, although they acknowledged they were heavily inspired by Outside Over There by Maurice Sendak
Notes: If I had to absolutely choose a favourite fantasy film of all time, this would be it. I saw it at 5 years old, when it came out, and I’ve seen it well over 100 times. I learned all the words, songs and talked, in a very short time, and I still know most of them now. It’s an absolutely perfect piece of film. And David Bowie (rip) is so beautiful in this, I can’t help but swoon every time. They just don’t make them like this anymore. What a pity…

Number 1

Title: The Lost Boys
Year: 1987
Plot: When brothers Sam and Michael move to a new town after their parents’ divorce, they quickly realize that the town is over-run by vampires. Sam gets help from self-appointed vampire slayers, but for Michael it may be too late…
Starring: Jason Patric, Corey Haim, Keifer Sutherland, Jami Gertz, Corey Feldman, Dianne Wiest, Barnard Hughes, Edward Herrmann, Jamison Newlander, Alex Winter, Billy Wirth, Brooke McCarter, Chance Michael Corbitt, Folsom the Dog, Cody the Dog
Directed by: Joel Schumacher
Based on: An original screenplay written by Janice Fischer and James Jeremias
Notes: It was the first vampire movie I ever saw, and was the beginning of a life-long love affair with all things that go bump in the night. I was 6 when this came out, and my mom bought it on vhs and hid it from me, saying it was “too scary”. By the time she’d caught me with it, I’d already watched it about 20 times. Not too scary for this weirdo!

And there it is, 30 of the best films from the 80s. I had a hell of time choosing between Labyrinth and The Lost Boys as my number 1, I think I love them both equally. And I do think the ranking is pretty fluid here. A lot of these can be interchangeable, depending on my mood.

Shout-outs go to the following films for almost making the list:

Watchers
Re-animator
Cellar Dweller
Just One of the Guys
Pretty in Pink
The Breakfast Club
Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
Twice Upon a Time
Stand By Me
Firestarter

Some of these were so close to making the list that it hurt to leave them off, but adding them would just make an already long list even longer, so here they are.

Stay tuned for the 90s, coming soon!

M.

Mel’s 5 Second Review: The Night House

The Night House (2020)
Rebecca Hall, Sarah Goldberg, Vondie Curtis-Hall, Evan Jonigkeit, Stacy Martin
Directed by: David Bruckner

This movie has been on my Disney+ watchlist since it arrived on the platform. I’ve been really wanting to see it but never seemed to get around to it. I finally did and, well, I’m not sure how I feel about it.

A recently widowed woman comes to think her house is haunted, but is it really her husband?

I didn’t dislike the movie, let’s get that out of the way. I liked it, I think. It was definitely more of a slow burn, but not in a bad way, I was never bored. But I don’t know, there was just something that felt a little off. I think it might have a lot to do with Rebecca Hall’s performance. While not bad, the character just seemed.. off? I’m not sure if that was intentional, or if it’s just something that I imagined, but I didn’t care a whole lot about her because of it.

SPOILERS INCOMING

Although, to be fair, I don’t know how I would react if first, my husband commits suicide seemingly out of the blue and second, has some pretty awful secrets. So maybe she’s not acting weird at all. I did enjoy the end. I’ve seen some others say that it was lacking, but I thought it fit the tone of the rest of the film. There’s a nice sense of dread that permeates the entire film, which is nice. Also, how cute is Evan Jonigkeit as the husband? My goodness. He’s got odd features, but they work.

So, do I recommend it? I do, if slow burn ghost stories are your bag. It gets a pretty good 7.5/10 from me.

M.

Mel’s 5 Second Review: Witchboard

Witchboard (1986)
Todd Allen, Tawny Kitaen, Stephen Nichols, Kathleen Wilhoite, Burke Byrnes, James W Quinn, JP Luebsen
Directed by: Kevin Tenney

I was in the mood for a fun, cheesy horror movie last night, and noticed this was on Shudder, so I put it on. And while it lacked a bit of that 80’s charm, it was still pretty good.

When a woman becomes terrorized by a spirit after using a Ouija board by herself, her fiancé and her ex, who used to be his best friend, must join forces to find out how to save her.

This is one of the few “bigger” horror B movies from the 80’s that I hadn’t seen yet. After hearing about it from Daniel over at The Cobwebs Channel, I decided to take the plunge. It was lacking a bit on the fun and even the cheese. It takes itself pretty seriously (except maybe with the character of Zarabeth) and therefor lacked a bit. But what I did get was a pretty good haunting/possession film (not good enough to edge out any of the top 15 I did, hehe). Tawny Kitaen, otherwise known as a “Video Vixen“, was surprisingly good in the role of the terrorized woman, and although she’s drop dead gorgeous, her hair… oh my god. It’s SOO fried, like too much bleach and teasing fried. I know it was the 80’s, but damn! Use some conditioner! Her fiancé was played well by Todd Allen. The character is aloof and a bit of an asshole but still you’re rooting for him. And the ex best friend, whoa those eyeballs! So green! There weren’t a lot of effects, just one decapitation that looks a little funny. And what little makeup effects we got were done well. All in all, it’s a good time.

Do I recommend it? Sure, if you enjoy 80’s films. If you don’t, I’d advise against it. I give it a good 7.5/10.

M.

This film is currently streaming on Shudder.

Mel’s 5 Second Review: The Conjuring – Last Rites

The Conjuring: Last Rites (2025)
Patrick Wilson, Vera Farmiga, Mia Tomlinson, Ben Hardy, Steve Coulter, Rebecca Calder, Elliot Cowan, Beau Gadsdon, and Kíla Lord Cassidy
Directed by: Michael Chaves

The 4th and supposed final film in the wildly popular Conjuring franchise, I had high hopes for this film, seeing how much I loved the others. And while it’s not a bad movie by any means, it is the least good of the bunch.

Ed and Lorraine find themselves this time facing an entity that hits a little too close to home when it reaches out to attack their daughter, Judy.

I was so excited for this film that I did something I never do: I bought the film as soon as it was available on YouTube for either 25 or 30 bucks. I’m not exactly swimming in the dough, so I generally wait til it’s at least down to 15. And while I’m not entirely mad for spending the money, it really could have waited. Ah well.

First the good. It had a banger of an opening. Very atmospheric, very creepy. I was all in at that point. After that, however, things just got a little… formulaic I guess you could say. I can picture the producers sitting around the table smoking cigarettes and saying “just do what the others did and, oh, add tons of jumpscares and creepy smiles. People like those, right?” I really don’t know why every single entity has to smile these days. Sure, once can be creepy, if it’s done right. But all of them? All the time? Nah. The Conjuring had zero creepy smiles and was so much creepier. But I digress.

Everything in the film looked good. Most of the effects and makeup were very well done, as usual. It’s a little gorier than the previous entries, but it was done well. I even had to look away once (I’m not a huge fan of gore, it tends to make me cringe and look away). The acting was all good, but it has been consistently good for these films, so I wasn’t too surprised there. There were a few good, creepy set pieces, but unfortunately most of them ended with a “graaaahhhh!” jumpscare (cue over-dramatic musical sting here).

So do I recommend it? Yes? I guess? If you loved the series as I do, you’ll likely have a good time with it. It’s definitely not bad, just a little underwhelming as a final curtain film. I give it a decent 7/10.

M.

This film is currently for rent or purchase on YouTube and Prime.

Mel’s 5 Second Review: Grave Encounters

Grave Encounters (2011)
Sean Rogerson, Ashleigh Gryzko, Merwin Mondesir, Juan Riedinger, Mackenzie Gray, Ben Wilkinson, and Bob Rathie
Directed by: The Vicious Brothers

Grave-Encounters

So, I generally don’t like found footage films. The blurry, bouncy camera work does nothing for me, except maybe make me slightly nauseous. But every so often I’ll get drawn into watching one, either because I’ve heard nothing but good things, or someone I generally agree with in movie tastes says it’s good. Which is what happened with this one. Darren from Flick Connection recommended it in one of his videos, and I mostly trust his judgement, so I decided to watch it.

For their ghost hunting reality show, a crew lock themselves in an abandoned asylum over night. They’re used to having to make up their own scares. This time they won’t have to.

SPOILERS INCOMING

First the not-so-good. The camera work was bouncy, just the way I don’t like it. They had a few static cams set up around the place, but it was mostly all hand-held. But I knew that going in, so I tried to ignore it and move on. Another down point was one of the characters, TC, was so thoroughly unlikable that it actually took me out of the moment in some places. He was so stereotypical that I just had to cringe sometimes.

Now the good. The rest, really. The story, while nothing new, was good. The acting was mostly good, the characters, save one, were engaging. I like the ambiguity of what happens to the characters. Are they dead? Are they now “patients”? Obviously Matt died, having jumped to his death, but the others? Lance is alive, in a sense, at the end. But we really don’t know what happened to the others, and I kinda like that.

All in all, I liked it. I might even look up the second one to see if it’s as good. I’d definitely recommend this film to anyone who likes found footage films, and/or ghost stories. I give it a solid 8/10.

M.

This film is currently streaming on Amazon Prime.

Mel’s 5 Second Review: Eli

Eli (2019)
Charlie Shotwell, Kelly Reilly, Lili Taylor, Max Martini, Sadie Sink, Deneen Tyler, Katia Gomez
Directed by: Ciarán Foy

When I first saw the trailer for this on Netflix, I was immediately interested, and put it in my watchlist. And forgot about it, like so many others. Last night, while flipping through for something to watch, I saw this again, and decided to give it a shot. I’d seen mixed reviews about it, some people loved it, others hated it. But thankfully no one spoiled the ending for me, which was great, since it really is something. I was going to include spoilers in this review, but I’ve decided against it.

Eli starts out as a rather generic, but well done, haunted house flick. Eli is an 11 year old boy suffering from a debilitating auto-immune disease. He’s basically, as one character puts it, “allergic to the world”. He and his family drive cross country to the home/hospital of Dr Horn, an immunologist, who says she can cure him. But almost as soon as Eli and his family arrive, strange things begin to happen to Eli. He sees shadows, hears breathing, and, soon enough, starts to see ghost children. Dr Horn tries to assure him that it’s only hallucinations brought on by the treatments, but he’s having none of it.

All of the haunted house tropes are there, creepy ghosts, creepy music, parents that don’t believe the kids. But it was just interesting enough with the auto-immune disease that I kept watching, and boy am I glad I did. The final payoff is ridiculous. Ridiculous good, not ridiculous stupid. The acting is mostly good all around, with young Charlie Shotwell holding his own against the adults. I’d been looking for something really scary to watch last night, and while this isn’t, it’s still very much worth your time. A very good 8.5/10 from me.

As a side note, my boyfriend, who generally doesn’t like horror films, liked this one. So I should probably have given it a higher score, just for that, hehe.

M.

Mel’s 5 Second Review: The Haunting of Hill House (season 1)

The Haunting of Hill House (2018 – )
(Season 1 cast) Henry Thomas, Victoria Pedretti, Oliver Jackson-Cohen, Kate Siegel, Michiel Huisman, Carla Gugino, Elizabeth Reaser, Timothy Hutton, Lulu Wilson, Violet McGraw, Julian Hilliard, Paxton Singleton, Mckenna Grace, Annabeth Gish

I don’t think I can fairly express how much I love this show. I read the novel a quarter century ago, so the details might be fuzzy, but I remember I loved it. And while the show isn’t quite a faithful recreation of the book, it’s so good that I don’t really care. Everything is wonderful, from the acting to the effects. Netflix really let director Mike Flanagan create his vision as is, apparently sparing no expense.

The story is simple, something we’ve all seen before I’m sure. The Crain family, mom, dad, and five kids, move into a beautiful, albeit a little run-down, mansion with the intention of flipping it for a great profit. But things aren’t what they seem at Hill House, and almost immediately hijinks ensue. The story runs back and forth, from the young family to the older, where the kids are all grown up. Some people might get a little confused with all the jumping around, but I found it was done well enough that I personally didn’t have any trouble. The story may be familiar, but it has just enough intrigue, plus it’s done so well, that it really doesn’t matter.

The only thing I could possibly say about it that’s negative, is that there’s maybe a few too many monologues. The characters talk slightly oddly on occasion, like they’re part of a one-man show. But really, I’m nit-picking here. All in all, it’s a superb show, and it more than deserves the score I give it of 10/10. If you haven’t seen it, and are at all a fan of supernatural stuff, sit down and watch it. You won’t be disappointed.

M.

Mel’s 5 Second Review: Ouija

Ouija
(2014) Olivia Cooke, Ana Coto, Daren Kagasoff, Douglas Smith, Bianca A Santos, Shelley Hennig, Sierra Heuermann, Vivis Colombetti, Lin Shaye

ouija

So the beginning of this film is boring as hell. I was thisclose to turning it off. But I was watching it with my sister, and she was really enjoying it, so I settled in for the long haul.

First, the good. The acting was actually pretty decent from most of the players. The blonde girl was atrocious, but others held their own. While not scary, it did have one or two good, tense scenes. And the eye thing was pretty cool, it was something not seen too often, so that was good.

Now, the bad. Being, of course, everything else. {SPOILERS AHEAD} The “twist”, such as it is, is a total rip off of other, better shows, such as The Ring and an episode of Supernatural, in which we think the child is the victim, when in fact, they’re the evil one. It was also obvious from a mile away, I figured it out almost immediately. For movies like this, I’m usually able to suspend my disbelief for most things, we are talking about a film about ghosts, after all. But I have my limits. Nana just so happens to know exactly what to do to save them? Or, for that matter, believing their story at all? Just… no. And then, of course, the obligatory open ending, so they’re able to make more of these.

All in all, it didn’t completely suck, but was thoroughly unimaginative and forgettable. And so earns its score of 5/10, with an extra point going to the eye candy.

This film isn’t currently streaming on Netflix, but unless you really have a hard on for ghost stories, I’d say skip it.

M.

Review Club #5 – Jessabelle

jessabelle

 

Up first is the other Mel (hehe), from over at The Creative Fox Den:

Firstly, I have to say that I love Sarah Snook. She has some serious acting chops and I thought her performance in Predestination was incredible. Unfortunately, her performance in Jessabelle was not as inspired.

I have to admit that the movie started out reasonably well; it set the tone for the character that Sarah Snook plays and the overall feeling of the film. The audience even has hope for the father, even though we know that he has a very sordid past.

The fist scare of the movie is done really well, actually. When the “bathtub incident” occurs, I jumped out of my seat. I was genuinely scared and I anticipated that the rest of the movie would have similar moments.

Unfortunately, it did not. The horror is downhill from there. The father, that we somewhat familiarized with, becomes a completely unlikable character. Furthermore, the plot becomes very predictable.

Also, the fact that the romantic interest is married and obviously interested in the main character has little validity. It isn’t a relationship that is explored enough to merit the dedication that supports infidelity. What’s the purpose here? Are we supposed to be rooting for this couple? Because we aren’t.

Overall, there are probably two scary moments in this film. Does two frightening moments a scary movie make? I don’t think so. The ending is equally ridiculous and undeserving of praise for innovation. I wouldn’t recommend this one overall but there is some production value behind it.

Overall score = 4/10

 

Next, we have Rob, over at MovieRob:

Jessabelle (2014)

I am not, never have been, and probably never will be, a fan of horror movies; they just don’t appeal to me personally.

When Mel chose this as the Review Club film, I gotta admit that I was pretty scared because when going into a movie that you have no expectations or care about, how can you appropriately give an unbiased opinion?

So I decided to still give it a go since I felt that I need to sometimes do things that I don’t want to do in order to try and broaden my (movie watching) horizons.

And guess what…?

I LOVED this movie. It was one of the best movies I’ve seen and when it was over, I wanted to pop it back in and watch it again.

REALLY???? You may ask.

Welll………

Nah. It actually it met all of my sucky expectations.

The plot didn’t feel original at all and I was sooooo bored while watching this that I just wanted everyone to die sooner.

Thankfully, the movie wasn’t so long so I was able to endure without (too many) thoughts of slitting my wrists. 😉

This movie used the tried and true idea of someone revisiting their past home and awakening both feelings and spirits long buried deep down below.

The idea of found footage has also been way overused in the past and I didn’t feel that it added enough to make this movie feel unique in any way, shape or form.

The ending wasn’t much of a surprise for me and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t anticipate something like that.

Suffice it to say, watching this movie didn’t make me change my initial thoughts about the genre and although I may dabble in it every once in a while, don’t expect to see many horror flick reviews coming from me in the near future.

That being said, I’m not upset that I gave this one a whirl.

2/10

Tnx Mel!!!

 

Next up is Abbi, from over at abbiosbiston:

Here’s my review for Jessabelle:

On the day that Jessie (Sarah Snook) is supposed to move in with her boyfriend and start a family together they are involved in a terrible car crash. He dies and she loses her baby and the use of her legs. With no money and nowhere to go she is forced to turn to her estranged father (David Andrews) who brings her back to the creepy Louisiana home she grew up in. While looking around her room Jessie finds some videos her mother (Joelle Carter) made before she died. The creepy videos show her mother doing tarot readings for her unborn baby that suggest that very bad things are going to happen. At the same time Jessie is having terrible nightmares about a dead girl attacking her and spewing black shit all over her… but are they really nightmares and who exactly is this dead girl?

[HERE BE SPOILERS]

I am going to start by saying that there was absolutely nothing scary about this movie. I get freaked out easily but I didn’t even jump one single time. That might be because there is nothing original about this movie. We’ve all seen the creepy dead girl before. We’ve all seen the spirit reaching for someone through a curtain before. Even the voodoo stuff is old. And there was so much stuff I just did not get… like this:

– Why did Jessie’s mom have her own room in the house and why did she not find it weird that her parents weren’t sleeping in the same room?
– After her dad flipped out and threw her wheelchair in the swamp he gave her her mother’s wheelchair but it’s never mentioned that her mother was in a wheelchair and in the videos she’s walking around.
– Also I mean pushing a disabled person’s wheelchair in a swamp is pretty crazy behaviour, would Jessie not at this stage call her health worker for help?
– Why does Jessie not have a cellphone until Preston gives her his?
– If the real Jessabelle died as a baby why is she an adult dead girl?
– Supposedly Jessie’s dad adopted her as a child to cover up that he had killed the real Jessabelle… who was black… how on earth did no one notice the baby had changed race? Someone must have seen the original baby… like the doctor that delivered her. It’s a small town.
– Why did they write in a wife for Preston? It was just an annoying distraction.
– What the hell is up with Sarah Snook’s voice? She was so annoying.

I am going to strongly recommend that you don’t watch this movie because it is a load of crap. 0/5

Sorry I didn’t like it but I hope that someone does!!

Abbi

 

And finally, here’s mine!:

Mel’s 5 Second Review: Jessabelle
(2014) Sarah Snook, Mark Webber, Joelle Carter, David Andrews, Amber Stevens, Chris Ellis, Vaughn Wilson, Larisa Oleynik

Jessabelle

Let me start by saying that I didn’t hate it as much as the others did. True, it wasn’t very original, and the ending got a little silly (and a lot predictable), but I still kinda liked it. The acting was surprisingly good, especially for such a small production. It wasn’t very scary, which was disappointing, but it had one or two tense scenes. That’s pretty much it, though. Movies like this are alright while you’re watching them, and I don’t want my time back, but in the end, they’re ultimately forgettable, not inspiring me to write about it. Oh yeah, one last thing before I go. We saw WAY too much of the ghost. I’m of the opinion, as some of you may know by now, that less is more. A ghost that’s onscreen for that long just completely loses its scare-factor. All in all, a decent film, but nothing special. 6.5/10

This film isn’t currently on Netflix, but it is playing on TMN and TMN On Demand.

M.

And that’s it! Join us again in two weeks for more review goodness! 😀