Category Movies

Jun 15 2015

Mel’s 5 Second Review: Les 7 Jours du Talion

Les 7 Jours du Talion (7 Days)
(2010) Claude Legault, Rémy Girard, Martin Dubreuil, Fanny Mallette, Rose-Marie Coallier, Dominique Quesnel, Pascale Delhaes

7 days

I generally don’t watch Quebec movies. I don’t like the acting style, and everything (save one or two exceptions) I’ve watched from here, well, sucks. Same with books. But one day I happened to pick up a book by author Patrick Senécal, and from that moment I was hooked. This is one of his books turned into film, and since it was one of the roughest to read, I wasn’t sure I wanted to see it. But when I saw it was passing on TMN, I couldn’t help myself. I can’t say watching the film was an enjoyable experience. The acting was surprisingly good, they stuck almost exactly to the book, everything was great. And yet I’ll never watch it again. It was one of those films that was just really hard to watch. Unless you’re a major fan of the torture porn genre, in which case I imagine this will be nothing for you, you freak. 9/10.

This film isn’t currently on Netflix, but there is a full version on YouTube. I highly recommend it.

I also recommend the book, cause it’s awesome. Other Senécal books worth reading are Oniria, 5150 rue des Ormes, Aliss, and, especially, Sur le Seuil.

M.

Jun 11 2015

Review Club #3 – Dracula Untold

DraculaUntold

 

First up, here’s Rob from over at MovieRob:

I am by far not the biggest fan of movies in the horror genre, but ever since I was a kid, I’ve enjoyed the “generic” stories of the “original” four; Frankenstein, The Mummy, The Wolfman and of course Dracula.

When this movie came out, I avoided it like the plague because I had heard so many crappy things about it that it just didn’t sound worthwhile to give it a watch.

…But then came Review Club

So I decided that worse comes to worse, I wasted 90 minutes on a movie (which happens now and again)

Instead, I found myself sucked in to the story, because it wasn’t a horror movie, it was instead a historical action/drama with a supernatural element to it.

I could empathize with the characters and although this isn’t a Braveheart or Gladiator, it was still a compelling movie about love, honor and protecting one’s family and loved ones.

This really is an interesting take on the Dracula myth and I liked how it all comes full circle at the end in order to open up the possibility of continuing the storyline.

It’s too bad that it seems that this will be the last of the series because the idea to reboot the “monster” franchises of days of old is a great idea.

7/10

 

Next up is Eric, from The IPC:

When I first saw the trailer for this, I blew it off as PG-13 CGI horseshit and never gave it another thought. Then I saw a couple of positive reviews from some writers I believe in and I was all “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!” You know – I dropped to my knees and aimed my head at the sky and screamed “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!” much to the alarm of my co-workers. Eventually I composed myself and went on about my business and forgot that anything like that had ever happened and then Melanie started Movie Club and she took out her whip and snapped it a few times and said we had to watch this movie and I was all, knee dropping again and I screamed “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!” But, I am loyal and faithful to my friends so I ordered it up and it wasn’t too bad, actually. But I wasn’t really in love with this:

DU1

The opening and first third of the film was pretty good and I was buying into it. I thought it got a little dodgy when he killed 1000 men by himself but…. OK…. the rest of the thing wasn’t too bad – that part where someone falls off of the tower was pretty good but there were too many “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!” moments for me. Would I recommend it? MEH. It’s better than I thought it would be, for sure, but it’s still a movie about how Dracula became Dracula filled with lots of CGI and melodrama. It’s a better vampire movie than that one Twilight movie I watched.

3 out 5 Men Screaming NOs

DU2

 

We continue with Abbi, from abbiosbiston:

Luke Evans plays Vlad, a fifteenth century Transylvanian prince who was once part of the Turkish army after being offered up by his father as a kind of hostage (like they do in Game of Thrones) as a child. During his rule his kingdom has been at peace with the Turks, mostly by paying them off. When the Turkish king, Mehmed (Dominic Cooper) – or I think he was the king anyway – decides he wants a thousand boys for his army, including Vlad’s son (again played by the kid who played Rickon Stark – he’s everywhere), Vlad cannot bring himself to acquiesce. He’s outmanned and outmatched though so he makes a deal with a vampire (Charles Dance) to receive his powers for three days. If Vlad can stay off the old claret for that time he’ll go back to normal if not he’ll be forever changed and the vampire will be released from the cave he’s imprisoned in. Vlad finds himself almost unbeatable but also tortured by an unslakeable thirst. Will he be able to resist and will it all be enough to hold off Mehmed’s horde?

So Luke Evans is super hot and Vlad has some pretty epic powers – infrared vision, sonic hearing, star gazing, he can turn into a fleet of bats… but that is about all that is good about this lacklustre film. The dialogue is stilted, most of the acting is wooden and there is zero character development. This movie is only 92 minutes long but it feels like it goes on forever, probably because it’s hard to give even a single fuck about any of the characters. I didn’t care about Vlad or his inspid wife or Rickon Stark and I half wished the Turks just mowed them down in the first 10 minutes. Oh and what was up with Dominic Cooper playing a Turk? He’s about as convincingly Turkish as I am, and it didn’t help that he’s been taking accent lessons from the Tom Hardy school of sounding not very Russian at all. What a load of batshit. 1/5

 

And lastly, here’s mine:

Mel’s 5 Second Review: Dracula Untold
(2014) Luke Evans, Dominic Cooper, Sarah Gadon, Art Parkinson, Charles Dance, Diarmaid Murtagh, Paul Kaye, William Houston, Noah Huntley, Ronan Vibert

sunburn

This film was torn apart by the critics, getting the abysmal score of 23% on Rotten Tomatoes. The audience liked it a bit more, but still only gave it 59%, and only slightly better on IMDB, with a score of 6.4. And I truly don’t understand why. I thought it was great. No, it wasn’t Shakespeare, but really now, it wasn’t trying to be! Taken as what it is, a vampire action film, it succeeds very well. This origin story starts with the same base as a lot of the films, that Dracula was born from Vlad the Impaler, but everything else is rather new, and interesting. Most of the acting was quite good, the action scenes were fun (if a little over-CGI’d at times), and the characters were engaing enough to keep us caring about them. And yes, the two leads were plenty pleasant to look at. I’m a bit sad that then open end took us all the way into the present, I’d have liked another period piece as a sequel (if they do indeed decide to make one), but then again, Dracula films in the present are relatively few, so it’ll (hopefully) be something fresh. All in all, I thought this film was great fun, and it receives an equally great score of 8.5/10.

This film isn’t currently on Netflix, but is rentable on On Demand. Enjoy!

M.

 

And that’s it for this round! Join us again in 2 weeks for reviews of Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters! 😀

Jun 9 2015

Top 8 Onscreen Angels

Warriors of God, beings of darkness, guardians, or agents of vengeance, angels come in all shapes and sizes. Represented well, angels make great characters. Here are my 8 favourite. Spoilers ahead.

NUMBER 8

The Crow, The Crow

8 The Crow

“People once believed that when someone dies, a crow carries their soul to the land of the dead. But sometimes, something so bad happens that a terrible sadness is carried with it and the soul can’t rest. Then sometimes, just sometimes, the crow can bring that soul back to put the wrong things right.”

Played by: A raven, actually.
Scary or sexy: Neither, he’s a standard black crow.
His Goal: To bring Eric Draven back to life to avenge the brutal deaths of his fiancée and himself.
Alive at the end?: Yes
If not, how did (s)he bite it, and by whom?: N/A

NUMBER 7

Michael, Legion

7 Michael

“This is not your test, Michael. How dare you presume to know His heart?”
“*Putting a hand to his chest* Because He made this one. And it tells me He shouldn’t lose faith now.”

Played by: Paul Bettany
Scary or sexy: Sexy
His Goal: To save a chosen woman and her unborn baby from God’s temper tantrum.
Alive at the end?: Yes
If not, how did (s)he bite it, and by whom?: N/A

NUMBER 6

Horse, Winter’s Tale

6 Horse

“Don’t know who’s more foolish; The horse who won’t listen to his master or the master who listens to his horse.”

Played by: A horse, duh. (Couldn’t find the horse’s real name)
Scary or sexy: Neither, but he’s a gorgeous animal.
His Goal: To guard gold-hearted thief Peter Lake.
Alive at the end?: Yes
If not, how did (s)he bite it, and by whom?: N/A

NUMBER 5

Tyrael, Diablo III

5 Tyrael

“You cannot judge me, I am Justice itself! We were meant for more than this! To protect the innocent! But if our precious laws bind you all to inaction … then I will no longer stand as your brother.”

Played by: Jonathan Adams
Scary or sexy: Is strong and beautiful as an angel, and rugged and slightly worn out looking as a mortal.
His Goal: To bind Diablo and the other powerful demons to the black soulstone, then destroy them.
Alive at the end?: Yes
If not, how did (s)he bite it, and by whom?: N/A

NUMBER 4

Bartleby & Loki, Dogma

4 Bartleby & Loki

“You know, here’s what I don’t get about you. You know for a fact that there is a God. You’ve been in His presence. He’s spoken to you personally. Yet I just heard you claim to be an atheist.”
“I just like to fuck with the clergy, man.”

Played by: Ben Affleck and Matt Damon
Scary or sexy: One of them is sexy, the other is Ben Affleck :-p
His Goal: To get back into Heaven, no matter the cost (which, in this case, is negating all existence).
Alive at the end?: No
If not, how did (s)he bite it, and by whom?: Loki is killed by Bartleby stabbing him after cutting his wings off (making him human), and Bartleby, after having his own wings shot off, is killed by God’s voice.

NUMBER 3

Gabriel, The Prophecy

3 Gabriel

“I’m an angel. I kill firstborns while their mamas watch. I turn cities into salt. I even, when I feel like it, rip the souls from little girls, and from now till kingdom come, the only thing you can count on in your existence is never understanding why.”

Played by: Christopher Walken
Scary or sexy: Scary
His Goal: To unleash a second Hell on Earth.
Alive at the end?: No
If not, how did (s)he bite it, and by whom?: Lucifer rips out his heart and eats it.

NUMBER 2

Gabriel, Constantine

2 Gabriel

“If sweet, sweet God loves you so, then I will make you worthy of His love. I’ve been watching for a long time. It’s only in the face of horror that you truly find your nobler selves. And you can be so noble. So, I’ll bring you pain, I’ll bring you horror, so that you may rise above it. So that those of you who survive this reign of hell on earth will be worthy of God’s love.”

Played by: Tilda Swinton
Scary or sexy: Sexy
His Goal: To bring forth the son of Lucifer and make Hell on Earth.
Alive at the end?: Yes, but is now human.
If not, how did (s)he bite it, and by whom?: N/A

NUMBER 1

Castiel, Supernatural

1 Castiel

“She rises when Lucifer walks the earth. “And she shall come, bearing false prophecy.” This creature has the power to take a human’s form, read minds. Book of Revelation calls her “the Whore of Babylon”.”
“Well, that’s catchy.”

Played by: Misha Collins
Scary or sexy: Very, very sexy!
His Goal: To help Dean and Sam Winchester in any way he can. It’s way more complicated then that, but I don’t have 3 hours to explain it :-p
Alive at the end?: Yes, then no, then yes, then no, then yes….
If not, how did (s)he bite it, and by whom?: He’s been killed by multiple angels, and the Leviathan, but always comes back somehow.

M.

Jun 6 2015

The Movie Choices for Review Club #4 Are…

Only Lovers Left Alive
Chef
Jinn
Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters
Pompeii

You have until Tuesday, June 9, 1pm to vote!

And don’t forget, reviews for Dracula Untold will be accepted until Wednesday, June 10, 1pm. Sadly, none have come in yet. I’m hoping to get at least one before then so I’m not review clubbing all by my lonesome *sniff sniff*…. alright, enough with the guilt trip now :-p

Send the reviews to vampireplacebo@hotmail.com, votes in the comments! 🙂

M.

Jun 2 2015

Mel’s 5 Second Review: Annabelle

Annabelle
(2014) Annabelle Wallis, Ward Horton, Alfre Woodard, Tony Amendola, Eric Ladin, Joseph Bishara

Annabelle film still

Ah, what a sad disappointment this was. Especially since The Conjuring was so good. The doll was massively creepy in that film, but only ugly in this one. Most of the actors were alright, but Annabelle Wallis was downright difficult to watch sometimes, emotionless save for a look on her face that looks like she’s desperately trying to remember her lines. The story was so generic that it almost hurt, and far from being creepy, that demon was just funny. The film had a few good, tense scenes, but on the whole, was mostly a yawn-fest. And it gets an equally dull score from me, a very meh 5/10. Avoid unless you really have a hard on for possessed dolls.

This film is not currently playing on Netflix.

M.

May 28 2015

Mel’s 5 Second Review – Thor: The Dark World

Thor: The Dark World
(2013) Chris Hemsworth, Natalie Portman, Tom Hiddleston, Christopher Eccleston, Kat Dennings, Stellan Skarsgård, Anthony Hopkins, Jaimie Alexander, Idris Elba, Rene Russo

thor-the-dark-world

I hadn’t really wanted to see this film. Save a few exceptions, superhero sequels are notoriously bad, so I’ve skipped most of them in the recent past. But my sister and I are having a bit of a moviefest, and since I chose 2 in a row, I let her choose this one, and this is what she wanted. I didn’t want to, but begrudgingly accepted to put it on anyways. It was, in fact, a pretty good film. All the humour of the franchise is in there, and we laughed out loud a few times. Loki was delicious, as always, and even made me cry, the fucker. If there be one thing to say of the film, it’s that it was a smidge over-long, but aren’t they all? The end credits blurb informed that there will likely be many more movies, which will probably end up on my already too-long watch list. All in all, it did exactly what a superhero film is supposed to do, it amused and entertained me, and for that it gets a very good 8.5/10.

This film is currently streaming on Netflix. Enjoy!

M.

May 28 2015

Mel’s 5 Second Review: The Last Exorcism Part 2

The Last Exorcism Part 2
(2014) Ashley Bell, Julia Garner, Spencer Treat Clark, Tarra Riggs, Muse Watson, David Jensen, Louis Herthum, Erica Michelle, E Roger Mitchell

the-last-exorcism-part-2

So, I find myself not really having anything to say about this film. It wasn’t bad, but wasn’t great either. It picks up where the first one left off, with Nell escaping the woods and ending up in a hospital, then a troubled women’s home. A few months later, wouldn’t you know it, strange things start happening again. It’s different that the first one in the way that there isn’t really much possession going on, it’s more about the beast trying to get back in. The acting was decent, the writing decent, the locale decent, this film is all together decent, and ultimately forgettable. Despite it’s decentness, I can’t really recommend this film. It was just too… bland. And so it gets a bland score from me, 6/10.

I’m not sure if this film is on Netflix yet, I taped it off of TMN. If you’re interested enough to check it out, have at it.

 

M.

May 27 2015

Review Club #2 – Beyond Clueless

beyond-clueless

Welcome back to Review Club!

 

First up, we have the lovely Abbi, from abbiosbiston:

Writer/Director Charlie Lyne explores modern morality through the medium of the teen movies of the last thirty to forty years with a particular focus on the high school experience. Lyne divides his film into five chapters dissecting different elements of the journey through the teen years looking at everything from burgeoning sexuality to the ultimate transition into adulthood. This is mostly done by introducing a concept and then flashing through a series of illustrative scenes from various teen movies (and sometimes not teen movies??) While Lyne is definitely onto an interesting concept in the idea that we develop many of our expectations for life as well as our moral tenets from the movies, particularly during our formative years I can’t help but wonder if he’s reading too much into films like Idle Hands. And as he is the only voice in the film (not literally) it’s hard to get away from the feeling that you’re being treated to some kid’s film studies university thesis, which could have benefitted from some other expert opinions. I also wonder about some of the films he’s left out, Carrie being the most obvious (you know… and more than a passing nod to Clueless). If you’re a teen movie fan it’s interesting to see some favourites dissected, but there’s nothing groundbreaking here. 2.5/5

 

Up next, the always funny Eric, from The IPC:

BEYOND CLUELESS 2014

When this movie first started, during the first fifteen minutes or so, I kept thinking to myself, what the fuck have I gotten myself in to??? I’m a grown man who can make my own decisions and don’t have to subject myself to this. But then I remembered I was doing this for Melanie because I really like her so I pressed on. The first fifteen minutes of this consist of Fairuza Balk doing voice-over, over-thinking and over – analyzing high school movies such as The Craft (which she’s in), Disturbing Behavior, Mean Girls and Slap Her – She’s French. There’s not much that irritates me more than when people over think things and read too much into shit, so I wasn’t having a good time.

But then, when I was about to lose all hope – at the twenty minute mark to be precise – I witnessed one of the coolest montages I have ever seen. This movie is about high school movies so they get into a lot of them, but this particular set of images really impressed me. It’s people partying and dancing and slo-mo and it was just kind of incredible. I would advise watching it just for that alone – but I’m a huge fan of the montage.

And then they do it again a little bit later with a bunch of people fighting. And they close the movie with another incredible selection of shots of people jacking off and getting an orgasm (but I am also a big fan of the orgasm).

preponO

Anyway – in the end I liked this movie. There’s some bullshit over analyzing throughout but I think the overall product is worth a watch.

4 out 5 Prepons Orgasming

 

And finally, my turn:

Mel’s 5 Second Review: Beyond Clueless

Narrated by: Fairuza Balk

beyond_clueless

So, this movie. I wish I could say I loved it, and it was a wonderful insight into the world of teen films, but I’d be lying. It wasn’t bad, but it definitely wasn’t great. And spoilerific, my goodness. It’s a good thing that I’d already seen most of the films showcased, otherwise I might have been upset (spoilers are one of my biggest pet-peeves). The narration, while mostly interesting, was rather lacklustre, with Balk sounding mostly bored as she droned on. And, as Eric and Abbi both noted, some of the films were bullshittingly over-analyzed, especially Idle Hands. I watched that segment with an incredulous “are you fucking serious??” look on my face. The director/writer Charlie Lyne also seems to be obsessed with finding the “hidden homoeroticism” in films, going into depth about it, most notably in the segments on Jeepers Creepers (which isn’t really a teen film to begin with, they’re young adults in University, but that’s besides the point), and EuroTrip. And as much as I would like to imagine Justin Long getting it on with a dude, he’s obviously not gay, his sister remarking on his ability to score using his tummy tattoo as bait (“hey baby, wanna see my tattoo?” “why yes I do, Justin, yes I do”). And if Lyne sees eroticism, homo or otherwise, in that horrifying scene with the bodies hanging everywhere, I think he has bigger things than teen films to worry about. Also, the film is called Beyond Clueless. I would have loved to see a segment that was actually about Clueless. We’re treated to a few sporadic scenes, but nothing else. Actually, they glazed over a lot of teen films that I liked, I think most of the films in my Top 15 Teen Films article were either not there at all, or not discussed. Most notably missing were the John Hughes films. The only mention of The Breakfast Club we get is seeing it on a cinema billboard in a clip from another teen film. Kinda disappointing. So, all in all, decent, but nothing to write home about. It gets a 6/10 from me.

M.

 

And that’s it for this time! Come back in 2 weeks for more!! 🙂