Mel’s 5 Second Review: 30 Days of Night

30 Days of Night
(2007) Josh Hartnett, Melissa George, Danny Huston, Ben Foster, Mark Boone Jr, Mark Rendall, Amber Sainsbury, Manu Bennett, Elizabeth Hawthorne and Craig Hall

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This movie could have been so good, it’s really a shame. The premise was excellent, but the final product was seriously lacking. The vampires spent half their time shrieking, even when trying to be stealthy, the blood on their faces was always wet, even when there’s supposedly no more people to eat for days at a time, the acting was occasionally painful, and the ending was way too predictable. All these things on their own might have been forgivable, but when they start piling up on top of each other, well… what a shame :-p It gets a very meh score of 5/10.

I don’t believe this film is currently on Netflix, but apparently by clicking the link on this video, you can watch it free online. I dunno if it’s true, I’m too scared to click it. You never know where strange links will lead… dun dun DUN!! hehe

M.

Mel’s 5 Second Review: Evil Dead

Evil Dead
(2013) Jane Levy, Shiloh Fernandez, Lou Taylor Pucci, Jessica Lucas, Liz Blackmore, Jim McLarty, Randal Wilson and Inca the Dog

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So, I’m not a fan of the original Evil Dead, or it’s sequel. Army of Darkness, on the other hand, I loved, but that’s off topic. I found the original silly at it’s best, and downright boring at it’s worst. Even the scenes that were supposed to shock got nothing more than a sigh and an eye-roll from me. So I wasn’t sure what to expect when I went to see this reboot. It was hard to tell from the previews if it was going to be as dumb as the original, so I decided to take a chance and saw it in the cinema. I’m glad I did. The story, what little there is, is basically unchanged. Five young people head to a cabin in the woods, they find a weird book, shit hits the fan. The difference is, this one is actually scary. It made my skin crawl at some points, and that’s not an easy thing to do. A solid 8/10.

The movie is currently streaming on Netflix. Enjoy!

 

M.

Words to Live By (aka, How to Survive a Horror Movie)

Sometimes while watching a horror movie, you just have to roll your eyes at some of the choices that the characters make, or even yell at them and throw popcorn at the screen. So many horror movie deaths could have been avoided if the characters had just followed these simple rules.

 

1- If you come across a restless spirit, you need to put it to rest. Throw salt over its bones and then burn them to make sure it can’t come back.

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2- If you’ve watched a cursed videotape, just make a copy and pass it on to someone else.

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3- If someone offers you “wine” in a bejeweled bottle, don’t drink it.

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4- A scary, abandoned building that’s supposedly haunted with murderous spirits is not a good place for a party or romantic interlude.

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5- The clown in the sewer is NOT your friend.

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6- Don’t. Read. The fucking. Latin.

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7- Making a deal with the devil or a demon will always bite you in the ass. Always. Just say no.

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8- If you find two feral children in the woods, just leave them there.

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9- If your house is constantly trying to kill you, get the fuck out!

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10- Don’t buy dolls. Of any kind. Just don’t do it.

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11- Stop after the fourth “Candyman” (or second “Bloody Mary”). Don’t mess with that shit.

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12- A Ouija board is not a cute, harmless toy to give your kids.

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13- Stay out of the basement.

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14- Don’t play with hypnotism. You never know who, or what, will hitch a ride back.

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15- Playing God is a bad idea.

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16- Testing dangerous, new, untried experiments on yourself is a really bad idea.

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17- And, finally, whatever you do, don’t.. fall.. asleep.

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Follow these rules, and you should live to see another day!! 😀

M.

Mel’s 5 Second Review: Chernobyl Diaries

Chernobyl Diaries
(2012) Ingrid Bolsø Berdal, Dimitri Diatchenko, Olivia Taylor Dudley, Devin Kelley, Jesse McCartney, Nathan Phillips and Jonathan Sadowski

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So, I went into this not too sure what to expect. I thought it was another one of those found footage films that are all over the place these days, and was pleasantly surprised when I was wrong. And I’m happy to report that the film itself was quite good. Starts off light and fun, lags a little bit round the halfway point, then picks up again and doesn’t let up till the end of the film. The acting was surprisingly good for this genre of movie, and while the story won’t get any originality points, it was still well done and well put together. If I had to gripe about something, it would be the fact that we don’t really get an explanation for what’s going on, and why what happened at the end of the film happened. But other than that, it was quite enjoyable, and subtly creepy. I give it a 7.5/10.

The film unfortunately isn’t on Netflix, nor is there a full version on YouTube. But if you can get your hands on it, it’s well worth a gander.

 

M.

Monstrous Couples

So, I know I’m late. I was planning on doing this post on Valentine’s day, but then I didn’t and I kept putting it off, lazing about, but I’ve decided I’m in the mood to do it now, so better late than never, I suppose, hehe.

I can’t honestly say Valentine’s day is a huge thing for me. My husband will usually bring me flowers or chocolate, or maybe we’ll go out for dinner (or order in if I’m not well enough to go out), but that’s as far as it goes, and we don’t end up doing anything I’m not overly bothered about it. That’s not to say I don’t like romance. I do. But, generally speaking, what I may find romantic isn’t necessarily what any one else would. So I’ve decided to compile a list of, shall we say, unconventional romances, both from film and tv, and maybe even books. I’ll see how this post shapes out. I’ve only got a basic idea of what I’m doing here. The actual content I’m making up on the fly. I’m going to focus on non-humans. So, no matter how dysfunctionally romantic you are, if you’re all the way human, you won’t make the list. I may include some couples with one human in it. I haven’t decided yet. But I’ll try to not make the entire list vampires, ok? hehe. Let’s get this show on the road, and see who pops up. Obviously, they’re in no particular order. And, also obviously, there will be spoilers.

 

Spike and Drusilla, Buffy the Vampire Slayer

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“Do you love my insides, the parts you can’t see?”
“Eyeballs to entrails, my sweet.”

Spike (aka William the Bloody) and Drusilla were introduced in Buffy‘s season 2 as an already established couple. They blew into town looking to raise a little hell (and find a cure for the ailing Dru). They may have been soulless, murderous monsters, but they loved each other more than life itself, and had been together for over 100 years when they arrived in Sunnydale. Unfortunately, things started to go south for the pair once Dru got her strength back, and Spike was temporarily incapacitated. With Angelus back on their side, Dru got taken in by his schemes, and once all the dust settled, we find out that she left him for good. Spike and his broken heart came limping back to Sunnydale, looking for pay back. He found a whole lot more than that, but that’s another story.

 

Mike and Celia, Monsters Inc

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“Me and you, you and me, both of us, together!!”

Just because you’re a monster, that doesn’t mean you have to be evil. There’s no better proof of this than with Mike and Celia, two of the cast of lovable monsters from the Pixar hit Monsters Inc. While getting ready for work, Mike reveals to his best friend, Sully, that “she’s the one!”, proving that even monsters can find love, no matter how green they are :-p After a horrifying evening at their favourite sushi place, Celia is ready to break things off with Mike for good, but once she realizes what’s going on, she forgives him everything immediately, and does everything she can to help. You get em, Googly Bear!

 

Chucky and Tiffany, Bride of Chucky / Seed of Chucky

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“Have you got a rubber?”
“Have I got a rubber? Tiff, look at me. I’m ALL rubber.”

I’m not a fan of the Chucky films, but I’d be remiss if I didn’t include these two in this list. While they both started out completely human, some weird mojo worked after death turned them both into creepy, living dolls. Who go on to have creepy doll sex, and Tiffany to give creepy doll birth to a creepy doll kid. The first Chucky film is the only one with any genuine (although very few) scares, once Tiffany came around (in film four, I think it was), any dignity the franchise had was long gone, and the gag was played for every cheap thrill it could. Still, they love each other (only lord knows why), and that’s why they’re here.

 

R and Julie, Warm Bodies

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“There’s a lot of ways to get to know a person. Eating her dead boyfriend’s brains is one of the more unorthodox methods, but…”

So I’m kinda stretching a little here, since R and Julie aren’t a couple (yet), but this definitely deserves a spot on this list anyways. R is a zombie, but after he eats the brain of her boyfriend, he gets his memories of Julie, including the romantic feelings. The moment he sees her, his dead heart starts to slowly beat, and the world will forever change (again) because of it. How many others can say their love helped heal the world?

 

Caleb and Mae, Near Dark

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“What’ll we do now?”
“Anything we want… to the end of time.”

When Mae first meets Caleb, all she’s interested in is getting a bite. But the two have an immediate connection, and she decides to turn him into a vampire, instead of just killing him. She takes him home to meet her “family”, where he’s given an ultimatum: make a kill within the week, or you’ll be the one on the menu. At first he decides to try their life style, but after realizing that he can’t kill, he and Mae run off together, with her family in hot pursuit. Come what may, Caleb and Mae will face it together, even if it means dying together.

 

Navarre and Isabeau, Ladyhawke

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“Do you know that hawks and wolves mate for life? The Bishop didn’t even leave us that… not even that.”

Stupidly romantic, Ladyhawke is one of the most under-rated fantasy films of all time. Navarre and Isabeau are deeply in love. But the Bishop of Aquila, evil and corrupt, lusts after her as well. When his advances are spurned, he turns to the dark arts, swearing that if he can’t have her, neither will Navarre. He curses them, her to be a hawk during the day and herself at night, he to be a wolf at night and himself during the day. Always together, forever apart. The curse can only be broken if the two of them stand before the Bishop, both in human form.

 

Imhotep and Anck-Su-Namun, The Mummy / The Mummy Returns

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“Thebes, City of the Living. Crown jewel of Pharaoh Seti the First. Home of Imhotep, Pharaoh’s high priest, keeper of the dead. Birthplace of Anck Su Namun, Pharaoh’s mistress. No other man was allowed to touch her. But for their love, they were willing to risk life itself.”

Imhotep and Anck-Su-Namun are the ultimate example of “star-crossed lovers”. Being the Pharaoh’s priest, he was already forbidden to love, but to love the Pharaoh’s mistress on top of it all, you just know things will not end well for these two. To escape the Pharaoh’s clutches, the two conspire to kill him and run. Unfortunately, they got caught before they could flee. Anck-Su-Namun, confident that Imhotep will be able to resurrect her using the book of the dead, commits suicide instead of being caught by the guards. Imhotep was not so lucky, and was mummified alive, cursed for all eternity. When he’s finally able to get free of his box, his only thought is to get to the City of the Dead, Hamunaptra, where he will be able to resurrect his lover.

 

Dracula and Mina, Dracula (pick one, any one :-p )

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“You are my love, and my life, always.”
“Then, I give you life eternal. Everlasting love. The power of the storm. And the beasts of the earth. Walk with me to be my loving wife, forever.”

So, of course this pair had to be on this list. It’s only the most romantic horror story of all time. I’ve chosen a picture and quote from the 1992 version, but really, any one will do. While some of the other details in the story change in each film, the core, Dracula and Mina’s love, is always the same. The small details may vary film to film, but Mina is generally the reincarnation of Dracula’s human love, from centuries ago, when he was still a human himself. When he travels to England to find her, she finds herself falling for him as well, despite the fact that she’s engaged to be married. Love transcends all, even time.

 

Eric and Shelly, The Crow

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“Little things used to mean so much to Shelly- I used to think they were kind of trivial. Believe me, nothing is trivial.”

Eric and Shelly were happy and in love, to be married on Halloween night. But, horrendously, the day before their wedding, their apartment is broken into by some dangerous and evil criminals, who rape Shelly and beat her to within an inch of her life, and, when Eric comes home to find the scene, they throw him out the window. He dies instantly on impact, but Shelly lingers in pain for 30 hours before finally succumbing. Exactly one year later, Eric Draven crawls out of his grave to deal vengeance out to those that killed him and Shelly. Once his task is complete, he collapses on Shelly’s grave, where she appears to take him home. As if the story wasn’t sad enough, actor Brandon Lee tragically died while filming the movie, when a gun being used on set was accidentally filled with real bullets instead of blanks.

 

HellBoy and Liz, HellBoy

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“In the dark I heard your voice, what did you say?”
“I said, ‘Hey, you, on the other side – let her go. Because for her I will cross over, and then you’ll be sorry!'”

I suppose a more perfect match couldn’t be made. She’s pyrokinetic, and still has some troubles controlling it. Which means having a lover who won’t get burned when you accidentally lose your shit is a very good thing. He was brought over from Hell when he was just a baby, but thankfully he fell into the kind hands of young Broom, instead of the Nazis, and was raised to be good. Broom cares for a handful of “special” humanoids, and one of them is the fiery Liz, with whom HellBoy becomes instantly smitten. After fighting back Hell itself, they finally kiss, both literally engulfed in the flames of their passion.

Honourable mentions:
Vastra and Jenny, Doctor Who
Eric and Sookie, True Blood
Michael and Selene, Underworld
Shrek and Fiona, Shrek trilogy
Edward and Bella, Twilight series (I suppose I have to at least mention them)
Jake and Neytiri, Avatar
Sam and Molly, Ghost
Jack and Sally, The Nightmare Before Christmas

Hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed making it. Have a happy belated Valentines Day, all you romantic horror and fantasy fans out there!! ❤

M.

Mel’s 5 Second Review: Unrest

Unrest
(2006) Corri English, Joshua Alba, Scot Davis, Jay Jablonski, Marisa Petroro and Derrick O’Connor

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To start with the obvious, the acting wasn’t great. The male lead wasn’t too bad, but the girl… yee. The story is interesting, yet very, very disorganized. Things just keep happening and the characters react in such a way that seems very… unhuman? I dunno. A roomful of doctors (and that psychologist in particular, where on earth she’d get her degree? Miskatonic U? jeez…) taking it at face-value that there’s an angry spirit in the hospital doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. Even in a movie in which we’re actually talking about spirits to begin with. And that Aztec music, really, it was driving me nuts. So all in all, it had a few good scenes, but was mostly just a jumble of wtf. 5.5/10, the extra .5 of a point goes to the pretty boy.

The film is currently streaming on Netflix. There’s also a full version on YouTube, but it’s got (what looks like Vietnamese) subtitles.

 

M.

Mel’s 5 Second Review: Bathory

Bathory
(2008) Anna Friel, Karel Roden, Hans Matheson, Vincent Regan, Deana Jakubiskova, Bolek Polivka and Antony Byrne

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The film is absolutely beautiful, with gorgeous costumes, stunning locations and the statuesque Anna Friel in the lead role. It’s a rather long film, clocking in at 2h15, and unfortunately, you start to feel that time about an hour and a half in. Up until that laggy point, the film is excellent, a wonderful historical biopic, but it looses it’s steam during the second act, before picking up again for the last 15 minutes. A shame, really. The story is told from a slightly different historical standpoint, as if Erzsebet Bathory weren’t the blood hungry Countess history claims she is, but the victim of the government and other nobles trying to gain her lands (she owned more land than the King, about 1/3rd of the country). It’s really hard to tell, with these larger than life villains, how much is real, and how much was propaganda. The same could be said for Vlad the Impaler. He was a vicious warlord, and he did indeed impale people, but more and more evidence is unearthed that shows that he was no more vicious than the next warlord of those times, and what he did, he did to protect his country. There is no record in her own words (nor Vlad’s) about what happened, and the stories inevitably warp and change over the centuries. Was Erzsebet Bathory the most prolific serial killer of (almost) all time? Or just another victim? Impossible to know for sure, but we’re certainly drawn to her story.

The film is not currently on Netflix, nor is it on YouTube (not in english, anyways), but there is another film about Bathory’s life called The Countess, with Julie Delpy, and that one is streaming. It’s also pretty good, though this one claims that she was indeed a villain, not a victim. Both are worth tracking down.

 

M.

Mel’s 5 Second Review: The Possession

The Possession
(2012) Jeffrey Dean Morgan, Kyra Sedgwick, Madison Davenport, Natasha Calis, Grant Show, Jay Brazeau and Ned Bellamy

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Despite it being the kind of story that’s told over and over (and over), this one was really really good. The acting was top notch, the dialogue wasn’t corny or cheezy at all. I have to admit, though, a few times during the film I just thought to myself “Come on, Winchester, just salt and burn that bitch”, hehehe. I guess that’s the downside of playing such a well known character. In a fun little twist, we got treated to a Jewish exorcism instead of the traditional Catholic one, which is to say it was almost the same, just a little funnier (sorry, but it’s true :-p ) All in all, good story, good acting, good visuals, good film. I give it a solid 8.5/10.

This film is currently streaming on Netflix. Enjoy!

 

M.

Mel’s 5 Second Review: Half Light

Half Light
(2005) Demi Moore, Hans Matheson, James Cosmo, Henry Ian Cusick, Kate Isitt and Therese Bradley

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Demi Moore suffers from Keanu-Reeves-syndrome in this film. Meaning, of course, that she wears pretty much the same expression throughout the whole film, whether she’s falling in love, or finding her son’s dead body. The plot is interesting, if a little too convoluted for it’s own good. What’s real? What’s imagined? Are there actual ghosts? Is she insane? Is everyone plotting against her? There’s an answer for everything, but my goodness does it tire you out. In the end, I think there was just too much going on for me to enjoy it completely. It gets an all right 6/10.

This film is currently streaming on Netflix.

 

M.

Mel’s 5 Second Review: The Woman in Black

The Woman in Black
(2012) Daniel Radcliffe, Ciarán Hinds, Janet McTeer, Shaun Dooley, Sophie Stuckey, Mary Stockley and Liz White

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I absolutely loved this film. I thought it was incredibly well done, well acted and very atmospheric. It’s hard to keep a film that has so little dialogue interesting, but I wasn’t bored for a second. I was very pleased to see young Daniel up his game. It’s a demanding sort of role, a lot has to be said with the face and body. They had a few Boo!scares, but not so many that it got annoying (it would be awesome if films stopped using them altogether, but that’s me dreaming in technicolour again). Just as good the second (and third, and forth) time around, I gave it a 10/10.

The film is currently streaming on Netflix. If you haven’t seen, I highly reccomend it. Go, now!! :-p

 

M.