Mel’s 5 Second Review Double Feature: Superdeep & The Cleansing Hour

Superdeep (Kolskaya Sverhglubokaya) (2020)
Milena Radulovic, Nikita Dyuvbanov, Kirill Kovbas, Vadim Demchog, and Sergey Ivanyuk
Directed by: Arseniy Sukhin


So, I watched this one on a whim. I’d heard of the borehole, and the supposed recordings that came from it, and I thought that it made a good concept for a movie. Well, let me tell you, this was definitely not what I was expecting!

The Kola Superdeep borehole is the largest Russian secret facility. In 1984, at the depth of 12 kilometers below the surface, unexplained sounds were recorded, resembling screams and moans from hell. Since these events, the facility has been closed. A small research team of scientists and military personnel go down below the surface to find the secret hidden all these years.

So first, I watched this on Shudder, and they only had the English dub available. I usually don’t watch movies if they’ve been dubbed, so I’m not sure why I watched this one, but here it is. The actors they got for the dub were horrible. Simply wretched. The lead actress conveyed all the emotion of a stale scone. No matter what she was supposed to be doing or feeling, she had the same tone of voice. And the fact that the lips don’t move along with the voice drives me nuts.

The concept also didn’t seem to fit with what was advertised. “Sounds of hell” to me seems like it would involve demons, maybe ghosts, something in that line. What I got instead was a massive, cordyceps-like parasite. (If you don’t know what cordyceps are, they’re parasites that take over an ant’s nervous system, walks it back to its nest, or up to a high spot, and then spores will explode from the ant’s body, infecting everything around. Pretty creepy stuff.) In any case, it was still an interesting concept, so I kept watching. And while I don’t fully regret it, I can’t say it’s a great movie. It’s over-long, clocking in at 115 minutes. Half an hour could have easily been shaved off this thing to make it more palatable. It felt disjointed and the characters seemed like caricatures. What I will praise the film for is the practical effects. The make-ups were beautiful. And the creature, holy shit was that thing creepy! Just thinking about it gives me the willies.

All in all, I didn’t hate it, but I definitely didn’t love it. Maybe it’d have gotten a higher score had I seen it in its original Russian, but as it is, it gets a 5/10.

The Cleansing Hour (2020)
Ryan Guzman, Kyle Gallner, Alix Angelis, Chris Lew Kum Hoi, Daniel Hoffmann-Gill, and Emma Holzer
Directed by: Damien LeVeck


This one has been on my to-watch list since it came out, and I’ve just now got around to it. I’m glad I finally did.

Max and Drew are millennial entrepreneurs who’ve made themselves famous with a webcast they created called “The Cleansing Hour,” which streams live exorcisms. The catch? Each exorcism is elaborately staged. Until today, when Drew’s fiancé, today’s actress in the chair, turns out to actually be possessed!

Unlike Superdeep, this was very much exactly what I was expecting it to be. No shade intended! Sometimes the simplest ideas are the best ones. All the acting was great, especially Kyle Gallner, but no surprise there, he’s wonderful. The makeup and vfx were nothing special, but not awful, either. This was very overt, though. No “is she really possessed?” kind of thing, they make it known right from the get-go that she is. So I missed that sense of mystery a bit. It was also very loud, the sound design was a little jarring. But I suppose that’s to be expected from a film that’s basically one long exorcism. But in the end, I had a good time watching it, so it gets a solid 7.5/10.

M.

Both these films are currently on Shudder.

Mel’s 5 Second Review: Smile

Smile (2022)
Sosie Bacon, Kyle Gallner, Jessie T Usher, Robin Weigert, Gillian Zinser, Jack Sochet, Rob Morgan, Caitlin Stasey, and Kal Penn
Directed by: Parker Finn

smile

Have you seen It Follows? Have you seen The Ring? Then you’ve seen Smile.

Rose Cotter is a seemingly workaholic therapist in an emergency mental hospital. Once day she gets a severely disturbed young lady as a patient who tells Rose that something is following her, smiling at her, telling her she’s going to die. Then she kills herself right in front of Rose, while smiling. From that point on, Rose herself becomes convinced that whatever had been following her patient is now following her.

I can’t tell you the amount of times I almost turned this film off. After a long spell of nothing happening. After the 20th jump-scare. But I decided to go through to the end, and while it did slowly get a bit better, I still feel like I wasted my time. Speaking of time, the film was just shy of 2 hours long, but to me, it felt like I was watching it for 6 hours. 30 minutes could have easily been shaved off this thing to make it more palatable. 

SPOILERS INCOMING

My biggest problem with this was probably the acting. Most of it was ok, but the lead was atrocious. And if I’d played a drinking game for every time she licked her lips, I’d have gotten alcohol poisoning. There’s also the famous suspension of disbelief, which already needs to be high for a horror movie, but come on. A string 20 people long of person witnesses suicide-person commits suicide in front of someone-that person commits suicide in front of someone-that person commits… you get my point. And no one noticed? No cops, no doctors, no reporters, no one? I also knew what was going to happen in the end, way before it happened. I had a thought that maybe she was going to defeat it by killing herself while she was alone, but then I thought, nah, this is a “bad guy wins” kinda film. And what do you know, I was right. And as a metaphor for childhood trauma, btw, having the bad guy win just says you can’t ever get over trauma and it’ll destroy you.

So. I didn’t absolutely hate it, but I didn’t really like it either. Which is a shame, cause it had the beginnings of a good idea. I’ll give it a 4.5/10, that little extra going to Kyle Gallner, who I’ve liked in everything I’ve seen him in.

M.

This film is available for rent and purchase on YouTube and Amazon Prime.

Mel’s 5 Second Review: The Haunting in Connecticut

The Haunting in Connecticut
(2009) Virginia Madsen, Kyle Gallner, Elias Koteas, Martin Donovan, Amanda Crew, Sophi Knight, Ty Wood, Erik Berg, John Bluethner, John B Lowe and DW Brown

The-Haunting-in-Connecticut

For a film with such a generic title, it was pretty darn good. Great story (that I don’t believe for a second is true, but that’s besides the point), great acting, great everything. Scary too. It’s strange sometimes the things that end up scaring you the most. I can watch lots of different kinds of horror and not be fazed, but every so often, one film comes along that just hits every nerve just right (or should that be just wrong?) But I’m glad I discovered it nonetheless. Now that I’m massively creeped out though, it’s time to watch a chick flick. Or a kid’s film. Or funny cats on YouTube. Anything to change my mind from those creepy freaking ghosts! hehe. I give it a great 8.5/10.

This film (and its sequel, which I still haven’t seen) is currently streaming on Netflix if you’re in the mood for a scary good time! Enjoy! 🙂

M.