Tag Archives: horror movies

Mar 24 2014

Mel’s 5 Second Review: Evil Dead

Evil Dead
(2013) Jane Levy, Shiloh Fernandez, Lou Taylor Pucci, Jessica Lucas, Liz Blackmore, Jim McLarty, Randal Wilson and Inca the Dog

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So, I’m not a fan of the original Evil Dead, or it’s sequel. Army of Darkness, on the other hand, I loved, but that’s off topic. I found the original silly at it’s best, and downright boring at it’s worst. Even the scenes that were supposed to shock got nothing more than a sigh and an eye-roll from me. So I wasn’t sure what to expect when I went to see this reboot. It was hard to tell from the previews if it was going to be as dumb as the original, so I decided to take a chance and saw it in the cinema. I’m glad I did. The story, what little there is, is basically unchanged. Five young people head to a cabin in the woods, they find a weird book, shit hits the fan. The difference is, this one is actually scary. It made my skin crawl at some points, and that’s not an easy thing to do. A solid 8/10.

The movie is currently streaming on Netflix. Enjoy!

 

M.

Mar 21 2014

Words to Live By (aka, How to Survive a Horror Movie)

Sometimes while watching a horror movie, you just have to roll your eyes at some of the choices that the characters make, or even yell at them and throw popcorn at the screen. So many horror movie deaths could have been avoided if the characters had just followed these simple rules.

 

1- If you come across a restless spirit, you need to put it to rest. Throw salt over its bones and then burn them to make sure it can’t come back.

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2- If you’ve watched a cursed videotape, just make a copy and pass it on to someone else.

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3- If someone offers you “wine” in a bejeweled bottle, don’t drink it.

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4- A scary, abandoned building that’s supposedly haunted with murderous spirits is not a good place for a party or romantic interlude.

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5- The clown in the sewer is NOT your friend.

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6- Don’t. Read. The fucking. Latin.

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7- Making a deal with the devil or a demon will always bite you in the ass. Always. Just say no.

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8- If you find two feral children in the woods, just leave them there.

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9- If your house is constantly trying to kill you, get the fuck out!

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10- Don’t buy dolls. Of any kind. Just don’t do it.

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11- Stop after the fourth “Candyman” (or second “Bloody Mary”). Don’t mess with that shit.

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12- A Ouija board is not a cute, harmless toy to give your kids.

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13- Stay out of the basement.

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14- Don’t play with hypnotism. You never know who, or what, will hitch a ride back.

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15- Playing God is a bad idea.

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16- Testing dangerous, new, untried experiments on yourself is a really bad idea.

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17- And, finally, whatever you do, don’t.. fall.. asleep.

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Follow these rules, and you should live to see another day!! 😀

M.

Mar 8 2014

Mel’s 5 Second Review: Chernobyl Diaries

Chernobyl Diaries
(2012) Ingrid Bolsø Berdal, Dimitri Diatchenko, Olivia Taylor Dudley, Devin Kelley, Jesse McCartney, Nathan Phillips and Jonathan Sadowski

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So, I went into this not too sure what to expect. I thought it was another one of those found footage films that are all over the place these days, and was pleasantly surprised when I was wrong. And I’m happy to report that the film itself was quite good. Starts off light and fun, lags a little bit round the halfway point, then picks up again and doesn’t let up till the end of the film. The acting was surprisingly good for this genre of movie, and while the story won’t get any originality points, it was still well done and well put together. If I had to gripe about something, it would be the fact that we don’t really get an explanation for what’s going on, and why what happened at the end of the film happened. But other than that, it was quite enjoyable, and subtly creepy. I give it a 7.5/10.

The film unfortunately isn’t on Netflix, nor is there a full version on YouTube. But if you can get your hands on it, it’s well worth a gander.

 

M.

Feb 27 2014

Mel’s 5 Second Review: Unrest

Unrest
(2006) Corri English, Joshua Alba, Scot Davis, Jay Jablonski, Marisa Petroro and Derrick O’Connor

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To start with the obvious, the acting wasn’t great. The male lead wasn’t too bad, but the girl… yee. The story is interesting, yet very, very disorganized. Things just keep happening and the characters react in such a way that seems very… unhuman? I dunno. A roomful of doctors (and that psychologist in particular, where on earth she’d get her degree? Miskatonic U? jeez…) taking it at face-value that there’s an angry spirit in the hospital doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. Even in a movie in which we’re actually talking about spirits to begin with. And that Aztec music, really, it was driving me nuts. So all in all, it had a few good scenes, but was mostly just a jumble of wtf. 5.5/10, the extra .5 of a point goes to the pretty boy.

The film is currently streaming on Netflix. There’s also a full version on YouTube, but it’s got (what looks like Vietnamese) subtitles.

 

M.

Feb 23 2014

Mel’s 5 Second Review: The Possession

The Possession
(2012) Jeffrey Dean Morgan, Kyra Sedgwick, Madison Davenport, Natasha Calis, Grant Show, Jay Brazeau and Ned Bellamy

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Despite it being the kind of story that’s told over and over (and over), this one was really really good. The acting was top notch, the dialogue wasn’t corny or cheezy at all. I have to admit, though, a few times during the film I just thought to myself “Come on, Winchester, just salt and burn that bitch”, hehehe. I guess that’s the downside of playing such a well known character. In a fun little twist, we got treated to a Jewish exorcism instead of the traditional Catholic one, which is to say it was almost the same, just a little funnier (sorry, but it’s true :-p ) All in all, good story, good acting, good visuals, good film. I give it a solid 8.5/10.

This film is currently streaming on Netflix. Enjoy!

 

M.

Feb 21 2014

Mel’s 5 Second Review: The Woman in Black

The Woman in Black
(2012) Daniel Radcliffe, Ciarán Hinds, Janet McTeer, Shaun Dooley, Sophie Stuckey, Mary Stockley and Liz White

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I absolutely loved this film. I thought it was incredibly well done, well acted and very atmospheric. It’s hard to keep a film that has so little dialogue interesting, but I wasn’t bored for a second. I was very pleased to see young Daniel up his game. It’s a demanding sort of role, a lot has to be said with the face and body. They had a few Boo!scares, but not so many that it got annoying (it would be awesome if films stopped using them altogether, but that’s me dreaming in technicolour again). Just as good the second (and third, and forth) time around, I gave it a 10/10.

The film is currently streaming on Netflix. If you haven’t seen, I highly reccomend it. Go, now!! :-p

 

M.

Feb 18 2014

Mel’s 5 Second Review: Insidious Chapter 2

Insidious Chapter 2
(2013) Patrick Wilson, Rose Byrne, Steve Coulter, Lin Shaye, Ty Simpkins, Barbara Hershey and Leigh Whannell

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Well, there’s 1h45 that I’m never going to see again. Considering how good (if a little silly near the end) the first one was, I was so disappointed in this sequel. The story was interesting, but is told in such a fashion that it bored me out of my gourd. I was so bored, in fact, that halfway through I took out my phone to play Tiny Death Star. Despite the interesting story, the movie just fails to captivate, and that’s a big no-no, especially for horror films. I should be looking away from the screen because I’m scared, not because I’m bored. 4/10, and that’s probably me being over-generous.

This film is not currently on Netflix. Save yourself some time and money, and don’t bother renting it.

 

M.

Feb 15 2014

Mel’s 5 Second Review: American Mary

American Mary
(2013) Katharine Isabelle, Antonio Cupo, Tristan Risk, David Lovgren and Paula Lindberg

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I wasn’t sure what to expect while going into this film. I’m not a fan of the so-called torture-porn, and while I had heard good things about this film, I didn’t know if it was going to be graphic about the surgeries. Thankfully, it wasn’t too bad at all, which allowed me to enjoy the rest of the film. Katharine Isabelle is wonderful as Mary, who starts out so apple pie, but quickly goes a little mad after being raped by her professor. I was a little disappointed by the ending, which is why it got 8.5 stars instead of the 9 or 9.5 I thought I’d give it. It just felt slapped on and rushed, like the Soska sisters just decided to say “Ok, bored now, wrap this up”. Despite that, it was a very entertaining film. I give it a solid 8.5/10.

The film is currently streaming on Netflix. Have a bloody good time!

 

M.

Feb 13 2014

Mel’s 5 Second Review: The Blair Witch Project

The Blair Witch Project
(1999) Heather Donahue, Michael Williams and Joshua Leonard

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The Blair Witch Project was brilliant in so many ways. It was well thought out, a great idea, well marketed and groundbreaking. That being said, I hated it. I don’t know if I would have liked it more had I seen it not knowing it was fake. I sat there watching, waiting, hoping it would get better, and when it ended with never having done anything, I threw my remaining popcorn at the tv. I’ve seen a a lot of horror films in my day. Like A LOT. And not many of them bored me quite as much as Blair Witch did. We also have this film to thank for the ever-increasing amount of found-footage films being made. So thanks so much!! That was sarcasm, in case you missed it. These films need to stop. No, really, we’ve had enough. 1/10, only for the cool way it was marketed.

I think the film is on Netflix, but I’m not 100% sure. Go check for yourself if you’re interested :-p

M.

Jan 30 2014

Mel’s 5 Second Review: Europa Report

Europa Report
(2013) Christian Camargo, Anamaria Marinca, Embeth Davitz, Karolina Wydra, Michael Nyqvist and Daniel Wu

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Quite good, much much better than I had been expecting, though I wasn’t expecting much. A few names I (barely) recognized helped me agree to watch it. It was well acted, tense and claustrophobic, with simple yet effective effects. Hopefully this is what we’ll find when we do finally make it to Europa. Just, you know, without all the death. I’m soooo excited about Europa, I hope I get to see it happen in my lifetime! But that’s a whole other discussion. Just go see the movie, hehe. It’s a solid 8/10.

The film is currently streaming on Netflix. Enjoy the ride!

 

M.